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Feeling Low and Sick (long)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Markio, Apr 2, 2009.

  1. Markio

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    I made my best friend cry today.

    She's two years older than me and straight, and we hang out all the time. She has other friends, too, but for the most part she chooses to hang out with me because she likes it, she says. I, on the other hand, can't understand why people like me because deep down I guess I really don't value myself.

    Today I told her I felt worried that we hung out so much in public and our other friends would judge us for spending so much time together. She thought I meant that I only hang out with her because I don't really like her and I just don't have any other friends to hang out with. She felt used, as though I were a social climber and I was embarrased to be in public with her.

    The truth is, I felt worried for her to be seen around with me. I really like hanging out with her and thought that she would get tired of me, or that my companionship would feel like a burden for her. After all, I'm just a shy, awkward, gay first-year student and I constantly feel like I'm not communicating sincerely or smoothly enough for people to feel at ease around me.

    When I told her was worried about us being seen together so much, she left for a class and when we met up afterward she told me she felt really hurt, and she cried as she spoke. I hadn't been expecting this, and so I apologized and tried to haphazardously explain myself. I wanted to cry too, but it didn't happen.

    In any case, she reassured me that of course she likes hanging out with me, and she felt better after I explained myself and she forgave me. She left to take a midterm, and then I spent an hour crying in a bathroom because I couldn't believe myself: I made my best friend cry. She thought I didn't love being with her and that I was embarrassed of her. I felt so sick and out of touch with everything, that I just sat there silently sobbing.

    I went back to my dorm room and waited until my roommates happened to leave. Then I lied on my bed and cried a little more, wishing I was normal and not awkward or shy or gay or so different from everyone.

    My friend texted me and we ate dinner together, except I was obviously down. She was happy again, but a little surprised that I had been crying for an hour in a bathroom. We went and watched a comedian and I smiled and laughed a little, and my friend was enjoying herself. She was really past the whole thing, but I still feel so horrible inside.

    I don't understand. How can my friend forgive and move on so quickly like I didn't hurt her? Right now I still feel sick, like the guilt is weighing down my intestines and I need to throw it up. Another thing that worries me is that I don't think my friend understands how little I actually think of myself. I didn't realize it either until I made her cry and then cried myself and really felt my feelings for what they were. I've had trouble with depression for awhile, like when I was on Accutane in high school for two years, and I don't know that I've truly learned to cope with it or if i've just been suppressing it.

    Could it be that I'm just really torn up for right now because I made my friend cry? Are these feelings of inadequacy only temporary, a side effect of feeling guilty for hurting my friend? Or, are my self-esteem issues finally coming to the surface after trying to pretend I like myself? I don't know what to think or how to feel...
     
  2. Eleanor Rigby

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    Because she loves you and care about you. I think that once you had explained that you where not ashamed of her, but worried for her because you are ashamed of you, she immediatly forgave you.

    Your feelings of guilt are probably increased by the fact you have a low self-estime.
    Something like, "It's the utltimate proof that I am a jeerk since I can make my best friend cry." Usualy, people that have suffered from depression have tendencies to have a low self-estime and to down easily. I think your best friend is seign you great things about yourself that you are not able to see. You should ask her, you'll be amazed.

    I hope you'll feel better soon. (*hug*)
    Take care, Eleanor
     
  3. Colly

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    To me, it just goes to show how strong your friendship with her is.

    I feel like this constantly, for a few reasons.. But the one that sticks out over the rest is that During senior year, my only friend through high school told me that she only talked to me because nobody else would. I now feel this way about all of my friends, which really doesn't make things any better.

    But I have learned that if someone REALLY doesn't want to hang out with me, or be seen with me in public, neither of those things would happen with them. Or such activities would be short, or they would be somewhat reluctant.

    But fi they're actively seeking you, then that would be a fair indication that they enjoy your company! Try not to think about it in such a negative light. I know it can be hard - but just push that particular little voice to the back of your mind.
     
  4. Just Adam

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    it was just a misunderstanding if it had been true it would of really hurt her but she realised ita mistake and so moved on you didnt mean it you werent beeing horrid you shouldent let it get you down just laugh it off together that you two are close as peas in a pod. i think you just need someone for cuddlr aswell
     
  5. xequar

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    My take on it-you cried and are still worried because you have a very strong friendship with her, and you fear not only that your actions damaged that friendship, but that you might lose that friendship too. And, although she's forgiven and moved on, you're still worried about it.

    But, I think as you get a couple days out and realize that, hey, everything really is cool, you'll get over it and things will go back to normal.

    *hugs*
     
  6. Jim1454

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    You're likely shocked that someone really does care enough about you (and care about how you think of them) that they would cry in response to you saying something to them.

    Well the fact is that you ARE someone special - to them and likely other people. And your opinion DOES count. You aren't insignificant - you're a somebody. I've always thought so... I think you're avatar is cool! It doesn't give the impression that you're shy and awkward. It suggests that you're fun and creative.

    College is a real challenging time in life. You're finding out who you are outside of the rather predictable confines of highschool. You're experiencing more of what will be 'real life' and having to deal with the ups and downs, the pressures and stress, the personal relationships, etc. Consider yourself VERY LUCKY that you have a great friend. But realize that she's lucky too to have you!

    It wasn't until I got to college and entered business school that I really found people that I could relate to. Suddenly there was a critical mass of people surrounding me that were also interested in business. Some of whom wanted to be accountants, just like me. And even though I wasn't dating anyone - and a long way away from figuring out I was gay - I still felt more at home and I finally fit in. My best friends are ones I met in university. They remain my best friends over 15 years later.

    What I'm trying to say is that while you didn't feel like you fit in in high school - you see yourself as shy and awkward - you might find that in college there are people (like your friend) who don't see you that way at all, but instead as quiet and thoughtful with a dry sense of humour. They value those qualities in a person.

    And with this recent exchange with your friend, I hope it demonstrated that communicating with another person is one of the most challenging things we can do. It requires honesty and trust and a willingness to be vulnerable in order to be open and clear about what we mean and how we feel.

    Good luck.
     
  7. Markio

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    Thanks, everyone.(*hug*) I'm really glad some of you were willing to share some personal stories in an effort to help me out. And I'm really glad the rest of you have advice to give.:grin:

    Jim1454, that was spot on. It makes perfect sense what you had to say. I'm so relieved I'm not just crazy. Well, at least not crazier than the next person... :rolleyes: