Hi, my name is Danny. I'm 15 years old and I'm from Israel. I'm a great english speaker so I won't have any problems understanding what you're saying guys =P I joined this forum after I got really depressed. I feel horrible. Things in my life doesn't seem to get along... I know I'm gay since childhood. You just know you're not regular. I remember when I was 4 we played hide-and-seek at the kindergarden. I was the seeker. I found one of the kids hiding behind a tree. He begged me not to "find him". I told him that if he would give me a kiss I would ignore. He said "YUKS" and got away. Well my sexuality is fucked up since a very young age, that's all I've wanted to say. I have always studied at a Riligious Jewish School - Jewish religious kindergarden, school and now high-school. But it's diffrent. My high school is so religious, it's for guys only... You must know how a 12 gay boy feels when he gets into a school with boys only. I was having crushes every week on every guy in this school. [LOL!] but it didnt last long, this whole - OMG-HES-HOT thing got away really quick. when I was 13 I was totaly "SOBER" from guys crushes. At 8th grade there was a "thing" in our class. Guys were doing "SNIKELS" which basicly means that they are jumping on a guy, twiching [like, holding really tight] his penis and making him to say 5 continents, only then letting go. I never got SNIKELED and never did it to other guys, but I thought it was really gay [>>"]. There was a guy that always SNIKELED other guys, it was kinda wierd. His name is Sharon. One day, Sharon decided to SNIKEL me. Quick facts: Sharon is the basketball captain, 1.87 meters high, blue eyes, in other words, he's dreamy. just dreamy. He grabbed my thing and I was so stressed out. When I was "Suppose" to start saying the continents I was just silent. Wierd. Now the story begins. 8th grade annual trip. Desert. Night. I was watching the stars when PUFF! somone jumped on my back! I thought I was going to get SNIKELed but whoowhow, it was Sharon. He smiled when he was on my back. I blushed. He just got out his arm and started rubbing my "package" for like.. 5 minutes. the guy is tall so he's heavy... it couldn't last long. When I got tired carrying him on myself, he got off and showed me where his tent is and told me that I'm always welcomed... The whole night we were hugged and touching one another. But I was so vestal then, I was so young, I was so... little. I didn't understand what was going on. He frightened me. He couldn't be possibly gay! He had a girlfriend! He's the basketball captain! If he IS gay, why would he come to a nerd-ugly-blackish guy like me! [I'm not racist. I'm just tanned and my whole class is pale so I get insulted quite often.] The next day I decided its TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. and when he tried to come over me again, I rejected him, called him a fucking faggot and got away. Call me stupid. Call ma a jackass. I have one thing to say. I was 13. I was stupid. I'm 15 now, and I havn't lived a single day without thinking about him. He's my first love, and dammit, Im over obssesed with him. I cant stop thinking about him, I can't stop imagine him kissing me. I'm so sick, so sick. since the accidednt [... I just call it like this] He tried to get my attention by staring at me or acting complete ass-ly by touching other guys next to me. But at 9th grade I just told myself to ignore him. I dont know why, I dont know why. Now at 10th grade I'm suffering alot. I've found out that my both parents are homofobic, and being in a religious school which teaches us that gay people should be murdered, I dont really know what to do. He's at the other class. We barly speak, only if he needs help in Math or Physics.[am I spelling it right?] When he's near me my hearts just beating so hard, I feel like my chest is going to explode. I'm so in love, I'm SO in love. I bite my lips every Physics lesson [Physics lessons are for the high - level science classes so I get to see him in Physics lessons.. he sits really close to me.] I tried to be brave and talk to him but... It's too hard. I'm afraid of making fun of myself, I'm afraid of being rejected... But I stare at myself in the mirror. I see my ugly face and I tell myself - No way. No way this guy likes THIS. No way he's not only gay but in love with me too. This is too good to be true, it's too good to be true... Last night I had a dream. I'm 40 years old and I've decided Im going to tell Sharon that I love him. When he opens the door, a little kid is watching me. From behind I can see a woman brest-feeding a baby. I walk away, I buy a gun and I shoot myself. This obsession is killing me. Please, help me. Help me saving me from myself... [I posted this in the right forum right? ^^"]
Welcome to EC! Lots going on here, and I'm not exactly sure where to start. I guess I'll just write things as they come to me. First thing, obviously thing. Your sexuality isn't "fucked up". It's different, but it isn't "fucked up". If it were, you've got about a thousand or so other people her with fucked-up sexualities. What Sharon and you did wasn't an "accident". It was two kids exploring each other sexually, and it's something that a LOT of kids do. Why did he choose you? I think I might know. He snikeled a bunch of other kids, who quickly named five continents (why continents? why five?) and brought the snikel to an end. He snikeled you, and you didn't say a thing. In short, it was a clue that perhaps you liked this sort of thing. (One might argue that that's why he started snikeling kids in the first place.) So he chose you, and you had a great night. I'm sorry you freaked out the next night. It's understandable, but still regrettable. Sharon, however, doesn't seem to hold a grudge. He's not avoiding you. He's still talking to you. In fact, he may still be interested. So do try to keep talking to him. Yes, you may feel embarrassed, but this is the guy who put your dick in his hand! The guy who said you were welcome in his tent anytime. You shouldn't be worried about getting rejected at this stage of the game. We have a phrase here in America that I don't know if you have there. "The elephant in the room." It refers to having something large between people that is studiously NOT discussed, even though it's so big everybody is thinking about it. The camping trip may be your elephant in the room. It's obviously you haven't forgotten, and it's silly to think that he's forgotten, too. I'm thinking it might be worth it if you apologized for what you said - yes, even two years after the fact. If you just say "You know, I still feel awful about what I said to you on that camping trip two years ago. I hope you can forgive me for it." Because a statement like this accomplished a few things. 1. It gets the elephant out in the open. 2. It shows you feel bad about pushing him away. 3. It implies that you DON'T feel bad about everything else. I realize this won't be an easy thing for you to say, but do give it some thought. Then there's the rest of it. You live in a homophobic environment. What to do? Hang tight, basically. Eventually, you'll be on your own. At that point, you can choose where you live, and you can choose to live in a much more accepting place. I don't know if Israel has one of those, but there are plenty of other countries to choose from... Lex
Hi - and welcome to Emptyclosets! I think Lex covered everything I wanted to say. You're in a really tough spot right now. So I agree that you should talk to Sharon about what happend when you were away in the desert - apologize for your comments - because you were just 13 and you weren't sure how to react. But at the same time you also need to keep your orientation to yourself while you're at that school. Is there any opportunity for you to change schools? Otherwise, just continue to read and write your thoughts here. We're a good bunch, and we'll do what we can to help. You'll find that you're not as 'unusual' as you think you are.
Wow Lex, thanks! but I have one question.. How can I know for sure he's still interested? At the begginning of the year he showed me "YES I AM" signs [somone called me next to him gay, so I got pissed so Sharon turned to me and smiled like.. 'I know you are.. ] But now it's kinda changed.. I asked him If he wants to sit next to me at computers class and he said no, and since like.. 2 months he totaly stopped looking for my attention.. it creeps me out :| Jim - I don't wanna change school! I wanna be with Sharon Alex - thanks for posting
>>>How can I know for sure he's still interested? Well, that's what you aim to find out. It may be that he isn't, and it's good to be prepared for that possibility. But perhaps he is. He may not have wanted to sit next to you in computer class because it was too distracting, and perhaps he stopped seeking your attention because it wasn't being returned. Again, those are only possibilties, but I think they're very real ones. As you know, there are a lot of "games" or "dances" that we humans do in order to protect our fragile egos. It'd take a lot for someone to cut through all that and simply say "I really enjoyed messing around with you on that camping trip, and I'd love to do that again sometime." I'm not even sure *I* could do that. Which is why I'd again recommend the apology. In addition to the three things I listed above, I'll add a fourth: it shows that you still think about that time quite a bit. And the part you AREN'T happy with was you turning on him, not everything that came before. And it does all this without openly stating it. It protects your ego by couching it terms of "I did something bad to you once, and I feel horrible about it". The thing to keep in mind is this, though. His response to an apology like this still probably won't give you a straight-up answer as to whether or not he's still interested. [OK, if he says "Well, let's pick up where we left off", and drags you off to someplace secluded, yeah, you've got your answer. But I really don't think that's got much chance of happening. ] Why won't you know? The same reason you won't say "I really enjoyed messing around with you on that camping trip, and I'd love to do that again sometime." He's got an ego to protect, as well. But his response might give you some insight as to whether or not this is something to pursue. Lex
