Parents want me to go to a christian counselor.

Hey TanMan,

That sux that they are so ignorant about sexuality. What about making them a trade? If they want you to go to Christian counseling (you know it will not do anything to change your sexuality), then THEY should have to go to counseling or attend PFLAG meetings that you set up for them to go to. You could do a little research locally and perhaps find a PFLAG organization, then contact them and see if they can suggest the type of group meetings that your parents could attend. They may even be able to suggest a local counselor that could help explain the real nature of sexuality (that it can't be 'prayed away') to your parents.

Why not try that? Tit for tat. Good faith effort for good faith effort. Remind them that if they really love YOU, they owe to you to keep an open mind and accept your counseling recommendation/requirement - especially if they want you to attend their counseling recommendation/requirement.

You might also talk to your brother about this and see if you can get him to also back your request that your parents attend some PFLAG meetings or other counseling that you can find to educate them on having a homosexual son. Maybe your brother would even agree to attend the sessions with them. Heck, it may be a bit awkward at first, but even you could attend those meetings/sessions with your parents.

As far as your Dad not wanting you on this website. You know that that is nonsense. Just don't tell him about it anymore - at least until he and your mother become better educated about sexuality.

I hope that helps...

 

Tan, Chip is correct. It can take many years of counseling to recover from what a Christian counselor can do to or make you believe. This I know from experience. Turns out the one who wanted me to be straight was gay himself Search around for a good ethical person to talk with. If you don't think your meshing with the first person you meet don't be afraid to try another. You can have your Christian faith and be gay at the same time. Jesus died for All of us, if he didn't NO one would make to heaven, straight or gay!

 

No offense Chip or johndeere3020, but I've been reading TanMan's posts for a while and he seems to have finally come to a very clear understanding and acceptance of his sexuality.

Please correct me if my impression is wrong, TanMan, but I think that a Christian counselor is far more likely to piss you off or simply say things that are so ridiculous that you laugh at them loooonnng before they could ever say anything that would get into your head and cause you start questioning your sexuality again...

 

I think you should try to convince your parents that being gay isn't a sin.

https://www.gaychristian.net/ has resources.

 

NO offense taken Quantum

 

I hear you, Chip.

And, no, I definitely don't have direct experience with Christian counselors like this.

I was just saying that I have faith in TanMan's strength and ability to not be swayed by specious arguments.

 

I have experience with Christian counselors and biblical counseling (even took a class on it during my time as a conservative Christian university student - worst money ever spent!) You can get through the time unscathed if you stick to your guns, and never forget who you are. I gave my teacher as much crap as possible without getting in trouble - I wasn't about to let his views go unchallenged. Anything toxic that is said just has to be water-off a ducks back. But, that being said, most of the stuff taught or said can be very destructive to your spirit, and so if you don't think you can do it, don't. Seek out a mental professional who is a Christian privately/caters to people of faith, and is going to have your best interest at heart, but who is going to stick to unbiased, ethical, and constructive mental health practice.

 

Going to a counsellor could be a good and positive thing, but a competent, professional and credible counsellor wouldn't approach their clients with an agenda based on faith or conversion. In many countries people who take this approach will not be accredited to practice.

For me, the only counsellors worth speaking to are those who are fully accredited by a professional association, because accreditation involves checking qualifications, standards and ethics. Would your parents take their dog or cat to a vet who had no professional or verifiable qualifications? The answer is no - because it would expose the animal to great harm. So why would they expect their son to agree to put his mental wellbeing at the mercy of someone without professional qualifications (and I can almost guarantee that their choice of counsellor will have no such qualifications). It doesn't make sense, does it?

Agree to counselling, by all means, but do check and verify everything first. I wouldn't talk about my breakfast to a counsellor who lacked qualifications (and were not talking about a piece of paper from a Christian college either).

 

I understand all that you're saying and sometimes I worry about the same thing. Maybe see if your parents will possibly accept going to a non christian specific therapist and if they say no, all you really can do is try it if you feel comfortable enough and have the courage to walk out if things go the way you're thinking. I can relate to this, I haven't spoken to a professional about my feelings either and I'm worried if I didn't speak to one specific in lgbt+ issues that they wouldn't understand.

 

Oh no I didn't mean that the therapist needs to be lgbt+ I just meant that they're willing to listen. I've heard horror stories about therapists counseling asexual clients, I was talking from personal experience.

 

Hey man, I would say avoid going to a christian counselor. That said, if you want to talk you have plenty of options. There are plenty of good counselors out there. Also phone lines, people you can chat with online etc. Maybe confide in a close friend. Keep a journal.

I would say avoid a christian counselor because I see that doing more harm than good. It's great to talk about things and get it out there, but if the person is going to reject you and force you to change something you did not choose, I can't see it helping.

I know you want to make your parents happy but being gay is obviously not your fault, it's not going to change, and they're going to have to accept that at some point. It seems you've come a long way to be able to accept yourself. That is a huge deal when coming from those hardcore conservative values. I would say just keep moving forward.

On the plus at least things didn't go worse. Also enjoy the fact that at least they know now. That in itself is a lot of weight to lift off.

If you ever need anything though there are all kinds of resources set up. Good luck and hope they come around. Mine still haven't but maybe someday.

 

Seeing as Christianity has a recent history in America of at best "not getting" what it means to be LGBT, and at worst putting kids through actual emotional trauma (pray away the gay camps, electroshock therapy), I would advise against a Christian counselor. Go see a regular therapist instead. Or a pflag meeting who can actually help you and your parents understand your sexuality with science and experience that can help you guys to lead a fulfilling life.

 

Christians mean well, and speaking as a gay Christian, the church has lost is mission to Love as Christ loves. Jesus accepts all people. I'd recommend the book Torn by Justin Lee. He covers the topic very well. I related personally to much of the book.

 

A couple of weeks ago I would have agreed with Chip, but I was convinced by one of my oldest friends to attend an LGBT support group at a church. She promised me that her minister wasn't crazy, and she was right. He's been a minister for a long time but he's also getting his psychology degree and wants to fight discrimination against the LGBT community. If you're lucky enough to be able to find someone with the same credentials I think that person could really help both you and your parents. But be careful there are a lot of really bad "Christian Counselors". If you agree to go at all it's best that you be the person to pick who you will be talking to.