Walls Closing In

its ok your fine just breath man i know it is scary all the thoughts you get about telling the truth. it sounds though as if your aunt might be understanding she might be what you need someone to confide in share your worry with.

you will come out when your ready when your comfortable with who you are. trust me the time comes and you can feel it in you getting there where you just dont give a dam you are who you are and they dont like it they can go jump you need to be happy in your life. perhaps try txting your aunt back or calling her asking her why did she think you liked men and would she of accepted you if you had said yes? depending on her answer maybe say im sorry i lied etc...

trust me the worst thing you can do is keep it along with other stuff all to yourself it drives you insane, i hope you find a solution

take care x

 

believe me you arent ive been hideing it from myself for 12 years and from everyone else for the last 5! its hell watchign everything you do say act 24/7 it stresses you out you feel an outcast from everyone cos nobody knows u it isolates u from your friends and makes a lie of the friendshio not based on them knowing the real u... i know your freaked that you came so close to beeing out been there too and i did the same thing you just not ready yet...but when you are i suggest talking to her first as she does seem open about it... and can be good support

anyway im here if you want to chat or feel down just have a rest for now xx

 

Take it from me..... i new since i was 11.....but didnt admit it till i was 16! Its alright to be nervous and worried. Its natural.... there will come a time were you feel more confident that you can tell your aunt and others when the time FOY YOU is right.We were all worried at one point....its ok! Im here for you buddy!

 

I totally sympathize with your position. My former best friend once asked me if I was gay (in a slightly roundabout way), and even though I know she is totally fine with gay people I just couldn't say yes, and denied it strenuously.

Sometimes, even though you might want to tell someone, and an opportunity arises with someone who would be totally fine with it, you still can't break through that wall.

I only came out to a haldful of people in my former city - about three - and one of those three people now lives out here. The other two I know can keep this information confidential.

It's funny as I continue to tell people out here, I become less and less uptight about it - however, the thought of people finding out back home still requires a level of caution and control.

For me, I think what makes it so hard to come out to people back home is the length of the relationships I've had with them as someone who was straight. I think the longer back those relationships go, in many ways, makes it harder to come out to them. Even though you aren't any different than you were the five seconds before you told them, they don't necessarily perceive it that way.

I find when you tell someone with whom you've known for some while, you tell them, and they get this far-off look in their eyes as they analyze every situation they've been in with you from a new perspective. When you tell someone of the same gender that you are gay, they get the same look, and you can tell they are going through their relationship with you looking for times when what seemed innocent originally might not have been a veiled pass at them, or some other advance. As an aside, this might not be totally unwarranted in some cases, but in the vase majority of situations, there has never been an attraction there.

More broadly, I get nervous and uncomfortable with the idea of the news just spreading out uncontrolled and without me being able to put it into context. I think that remains a key reason why I get so scared about certain people finding out. I want them to understand how it is I got to this position, and where I'm actually at.

I wish you luck - only tell people when you think that telling someone would make you happier, not more depressed or anxious. I also think that starting with a family member might be more difficult than a friend - we choose our friends, not our families ;-)

 

I don't know your aunt, but it sounds like she might have been asking in a negative tone like she'd be accusing you of something. If that's the case, you should start with her. You may have gotten a feel for which of your friends or family are accepting of this and are trustworthy. If that's the case, you could start with them instead of your aunt.

 

Fanfreek:

I know exactly how you feel. And when I say that, I don't say it lightly. I actually experienced the same situation on a couple of occasions via text message, as well. The first occasion was from a girl from college--she directly asked "are you gay?" I don't know why she would even ask that, given that I had just met her (the paranoia began). And on the second occasion, someone (a person that I had known for a longer period of time) asked in round-about-way, via text message, also--not directly, but I could see where she was hitting at. You probably already guessed that I denied the questions both times.

I totally understand how you can feel lost, shaken up, frustrated, paranoid etc. and there's not a d*mn thing you can really do about it. I would ask myself "how could they be so insensitive about this?", knowing how big of a deal my sexuality was to me.

But, you know, there comes a point in time where you have to say to youself: I don't care what anyone thinks about me. This is my business, and I will tell whomever I want whenever I'm ready. If I choose to deny it, then that's my business. I will come out when I'm ready. They didn't have any business asking anyway.

So I just decided that I won't worry about what people think, say, or do. But learning these new behaviors don't happen over night--they take time--and lots of work. Ultimately, you have to decide what makes you happy and what's best for you. And that means just that: focusing on what makes you happy, and not other people and what they think.

Hope that helps a bit.

 

If I may add, sometimes others really are concerned about us, and want to be there for us. They are not trying to be insensitve. Sometimes it IS just us. We let our fear get in the way of people that really are trying to be there for us.

With that said, I argee with Just_Adam. When you are ready to come out, if you think that your aunt is sincere, then you might want to choose to confide in her. That's if you truly trust her. But ONLY when feel that you're ready.

 

Oh. Fanfreek, may I ask how old are you?

 

Oh. Well you're still quite young. Take your time. I'm certain that it will get better as you get older. Nineteen was a rather hard age for me. But now, things are better than they were then. And I believe that they will only continue to get better.

Man, don't stress. I know it may be hard not to. But I'm telling you, it's not worth it.

 

I kinda know exactly what you are going through right now. The first person I came out to was my sister. I "asked" her not to tell anyone else, and she agreed. Sadly, she blabbed to my entire family and my friends, at first I denied I was gay, but after a few more weeks, I decided I was cool with it. She broke the ice, so to speak, but my first reaction was to deny my gayness when family and friends asked me about my sex life and who I was spending my time with.

 

That'll work too. Might even be better for you. I think that's how I'm deciding to go about handling my situation, as well.

 

Hi fanfreek... I would just like to give my input on your thoughts. Take them or leave them, it's up to you.

I understand how you feel, I understand the stress of coming out (I'm not out too). If someone from my family came up to me and asked me the question whether I'm into men or not, if it's someone I trust, it would probably be the kick in the ass I need to say it (easier said than done though). I don't know, there is something in the reasoning that I don't grasp... Why do you need to be with someone to come out? Can you be with someone if you're not out?

Can you meet a man and be able to date him if you're not out? In my case I can't because no one knows. So all I've had are hidden experiences and nothing close to a relationship. I think (and it's my opinion) it would be extremely hard to be with a man in a meaningful relationship without being out... So it's like a circle that you have to break.

What do you think?