Over the last few weeks, I've come out to about six or seven more people, doubling the total number of people who are aware that I'm gay. (Being obsessive, I also created a spreadsheet to keep track of this information ;-) However, of late, I have noted a few trends which I find somewhat odd and slightly disturbing. A lot of poeple seem eager to help - and God bless them for their support - but some seem a little unwilling to take direction from me as to where I would like to go. By shear accident I discovered and foiled a plot to take me to the local gay bar and get me onto the local gay bar scene. I recognize that this is something I may wish to do in the future, but at this point, it's something I'm completely not comfortable doing. My friends seem almost unhappy that I am not willing to just walk into this new world and have at it. More seriously for me, though, is that I'm starting to feel a bit like a charity case. People are hanging out with me and spending time with me, but I get the sense like they are doing so because they "feel badly" for me. Don't get me wrong, hanging with people is a thousand times better than being alone, but neither to I want to be the poor gay guy whom everyone pities. In some ways, that would be worse - and in my slightly erratic and emotional state, I am having a hard time differentiating between a legitimate desire for people to spend time with me, and those situations where I am the recipient of gay wellfare. Has this occurred for anyone else? It is entirely possible that I've invented this in my head to some degree, but I studied consumer behaviour at university as part of my degree, and it usually gives me the ability to analyze people and their motives fairly accurately. Should I call them on it or will that just evoke a negative reaction? Is this something common for newly out gay people?
Well, when I first came out, my friends all sort of pushed me into the gay scene too and at first I was kinda upset, but then I was glad because I probably wouldn't have done it myself later. I hope this helps but I'm not quite sure on the other part of your question though.
Regardless of their underlying motivation, are your friends doing these things to be mean or spiteful? Are they trying to hurt you or ridicule you? I'd guess no. They're tyring to do what they think is best for you. They are true friends. So are they hanging out 'more' because' you've come out? Hard to say. But they WERE your friends before, right, and you DID hang out with the before? I'd guess that they recognize that this is a tough time for you right now, and worry that you'd think they were avoiding you since you came out to them. So to avoid any chance of you feeling that way, they've gone a little overboard. That's all. You're very fortunate to be in the position that you are in. As far as the surprise gay bar thing... I would have been upset too. However, I'm trying to be less of a control freak these days. The fact of the matter is you'd be VERY unlikely to go on your own. It's not like you're going to end up in bed with someone on your first trip to a gay bar. It just doesn't work that way. What you would find is a whole room full of people that were gay. And that's a pretty cool feeling when you experience that for the first time. Good luck. Cut your friends some slack. They're your friends - and they obviously care.
Well, I'd classify these as "the kind of problems you WANT to have". Sort of like having too much money. Still, a problem is a problem, so let's take a gander at each. 1. The gay bar thing. It's best to let them know how much you appreciate them going to the effort, but just make it clear that this doesn't interest you in the slightest right now. Use any rationale you want. "I totally appreciate you wanting to help out - that's totally cool. But I really don't like going to bars anyway, and I don't know if immersion into the gay-bar scene is something I want to try right now. Let me see if I can think of another way you can help out, though." 2. Charity case. Well, whatever rationale they have for being with you, just take it from "they're hanging out with you" and run with it. Keep chatting, do fun stuff, and have such a great time that they no longer feel they HAVE to hang out with you, but do it because you're fun to hang out with. Lex
Wow, when i came out to everyone my social calender went blank I used to hang out with people all the time, now i find im being avoided by 90% of my former "friends"...i would have been glad to be a charity case cause that means they DO care about you. They are hanging out with you, obviously they want to be or they would do the same things my friends did to me I would definitely voice the fact your "not yet comfortable" with going to the gay scene. Voice it, and they should respect it. But most of all, just give them time. You JUST came out to quite a few people, they will need to process everything and come to terms with it themselves. You have been struggling with your sexuality for longer than the time they have known, so its only fair you give them some time as well Its not something easy to just snap your fingers and everyone treats you like you want
I'm the same as Greg, my friends all pulled away when I came out. But I understand what you mean, and if you're feeling uncomfortable, that's not good. Time is definitely a big factor in this, and fi they're good friends and you tell them "I'd like to wait a little while before I start getting into the scene, but thanks for trying to help me out, I really appreciate it," I think they'll listen.
