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Lost in Translation…Wait Still?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sammy, Apr 4, 2009.

  1. Sammy

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    It’s kind of funny writing something like this down even funnier because I write stories. I compare and contrast and drag fictional charactors through hell and back helping them sort out their own feelings and desires, but yet the writer, me, I am still lost. I don’t even know if anyone will bother to read this so I’ll try not to boar anyone and cut to the chase.

    I grew up with devoiced parents (living with my mom) and a younger sister. I guess I was a bit screwed up after the divorce because I had to attend a councilor at a young age, but life wasn’t that bad. I am though still amazed that both my mom and I survived my teenage years. I can’t tell you really what kicked off wondering about my sexuality but I got my first taste of it when a close friend inquired about it. She herself was confused about her own sexuality and I jumped on that boat willing to help her out in any way. Don’t get me wrong it was very innocent kissing and caressing above the waist only. That was back in grade 10 and she had a boy friend at the time. As fast as it flared up it seemed to die out, I however was still curious, and she decided some time later she was strait. I never told her about how I felt but soon after I begain realized girls seemed to peek my interest. That lead to a huge melt down on my part after my mom confronted me in my emotional state. She helped me get over it by reassuring me it was okay and everyone experiments. I carried on threw my high school life dating boys and laughing off crushes I seemed to be getting on a few select girls.

    You should know something about me if you’ve gotten this far reading, I’m a guy’s girl not a girls girl. I’ve grown up with the majority of my friends being guys, I’ve always been the one out doors kicking around that ball, playing video games, and wrestling not playing Barbie’s, and gushing about guys. Well getting back I’ve hit the same issue again. Being now in my second year of college, and older you’d think I would be able to decipher and avoid a complete and utter melt down, nope. Over the years like I mentioned earlier I’ve became accustomed to laughing things off, well one thing my sexuality. My roommate is a good friend of mine that I’ve known since elementary school, we lost touch through high school but now being roommates have been able to catch up. She is a lesbian and seems to be very comfortable with it. Over this year we’ve gotten in to numerous conversations dealing with the topic and I seemed at the time to be dealing with it fine.

    We both decided to get involved in a group called the GSA (Gay Strait Alliance) at my college and it didn’t take long for me to realize how uncomfortable and out of place I was. Listening to how confidant and secure they all were, and listening to their heartfelt stories of how they came out to their friends and family the struggles and benefits. What did I have? A hand full of twisted inner struggles and denial? I’m was and am still with a guy right now who lives in our home town, I get to see him once a month and were okay right now. I continued to go to the meetings with my roommate and over the course of them found it harder to go when I couldn’t even answer what my sexuality was and feeling guilty because I was in a relationship. Some weeks in, a girl showed up that caught my eye and I can’t shake it. I was able to push my crush away because she didn’t show up for the next few weeks and I remain smiling to everyone no damage done.

    I however felt the need to discus my female inclination with my boy friend and he took it okay and said he would be okay if I needed to experiment with a girl. It kind of helped but not for long term, she’s started showing up again and half of me wants to go for her the other half is horrified. At the beginning I could talk to her. I’m out going most of the time and have no problem going for what I want, or so it has been with life decisions and guys, but now I can feel my chest closing in on me. I’ve just ended up avoiding her eyes and tensing when she’s around, looking most likely cold and uncaring, that’s not me… I can’t even function properly in the group any more when she's around.

    I care for my boyfriend and struggle with this sexuality thing just being a phase due to its convenient timing. I realize if I want to go after a girl and experience things fully I’ll have to break it off with him… I’m lost and confused, and I don’t want to through away a good thing just so I can fool around to find out I’m strait. I should and want to be fully faithful to a person but how can I be with this looming just over head? I understand men but woman, I just don’t know I’m at a loss and this internal struggle feels like it’s going to tare me apart. I don’t even know if my strange behavior is affecting any chances I have with her, but I don’t even know if I want that chance… I talked to one of my lesbian friends, I was going to stop going to the meetings but she asked me to continue to go… the meeting is coming up and what if she’s there again? I have nothing against lesbians or gay guys and I’m so open but when it comes to me I want to scream and run the other way. I have to laugh because if I ever end up dating a girl she’s going to have to pick up all my broken pieces first, and who wants to deal with that?

    I’m lost, confused, vulnerable, and hating it, this is not me…can anyone help?
     
  2. silentsound

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    First off, welcome to EC! I'm glad you're here!

    I suppose you will probably be more confident in the advice of someone who questioned when they were a little older, but in a lot of ways I feel like I have been right where you are so I'll offer you a few things anyway.

    The first is to relax and stop worrying about labels. This is easier said than done I know, especially at the early stages of the defining period if questioning, but trust me it's important. Freaking out about whether you like men or women or both or neither or whatever is only going to upset you. In fact, freaking out in general is typically incredibly unhelpful. Take a breath. You don't have to rush this, and you really can't. It's a slow and weird process you kind of have to let untangle over time. Go with what you feel and don't stress about the labels. I understand why you feel uncomfortable at GSA meetings but I think that it would help you to continue going. If you feel uncomfortable offering anything up because you're still unsure about who you are, then tell them that. I know all of the people there seem confident and happy with who they are now, but I guarantee you that all of them have felt exactly like you do at some point in their lives, and may be able to offer some useful insight and support.

    The second is that sexuality is not black and white, which is why labels don't really matter in the end. You might be straight or gay or anywhere in between. It doesn't matter what you want to call it. Just go with what you feel and someday you might feel like a label fits or maybe you won't, it's really not important as long as you can be happy in your own skin.

    Lastly, I just want you to know that you're always welcome at EC to talk about whatever you need to. The people here really helped me understand my questioning and brought clarity and security to a lot of things in my life. It's truly an amazing community, so I encourage you to stick around. Also, you can feel free to message me any time.

    (*hug*)
     
  3. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC. I'm also in Toronto, and figured out later in life that I was gay. I really didn't even contemplate the fact that I might be gay. But that was my subconscious, and later my conscious mind keeping me safe from that scary reality.

    Many of us think it's a 'phase'. But I'm pretty sure not every person thinks for a while that they might be gay. I'm pretty sure that only happens to gay people.

    At the same time, consider it a really gift that you're having these thoughts and feelings now, rather than later. It would be harding to tell a husband than a boyfriend. And it would be harder still to tell the father of your children than a boyfriend. And he's even cool with it (typical straight guy!).

    What I would suggest is to hang out here. Don't let it get to you too much. Just read more of our stories. Wait to see what others write about in this thread. Pose other questions if you have them. And just let it sink in. Why do you want to turn and run at the thought that YOU might be gay? If you can answer that, you might figure out why you're freaking over it and struggling with these feelings.

    Good luck. You've come to the right place!
     
  4. Sammy

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    Thank you Silentsound and Jim1454, I understand completely what your saying I just hope I can apply it to my life, better yet with out hurting any one I hold dear to me. I have been puttering around this web site and I am really impressed with it also. I mean I'm still emotionally and mentally messed at the moment but reading what other people have to say does seem to ease some of the contrasts in my life. Thank you for the welcome it mean a lot and I hope I can help people in turn. I think what confuses me further is that I do, or seem to enjoy being with a guy, but how does that work if I'm so drawn towards a girl? Makes me feel like I'm just justifying being with a guy...cuz that's what I know. I'll try not to label my self though.

    thank you for your input,

    Sam
     
  5. Jim1454

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    Well, when I suggested it was better to figure yourself out while you just have a boyfriend rather than a husband and kids, it's because I got married and had kids of my own before figuring myself out.

    And I never (honestly - NEVER) DISliked being with my wife. But I do think I was 'going with the flow' because I expected myself to get married. It's what people do. I simply didn't have the insight into myself to know that I could be happier living a different life.

    There are people as well that identify as being bisexual. Perhaps you fit more into that category than either gay or straight. Only time will tell.

    So now might be your time to consider to alternate possibilities, and figure out what you really want out of life. There's no hurry to figure it out.

    This site helped me out A LOT! So I'm trying to give back. You'll get your chance too!
     
  6. silentsound

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    For me, the two very toughest parts of questioning were exactly what you just hit on: "how the hell is this all supposed to apply to me and my life?" and "wait, I thought I was chill with being straight!"

    As far as the former, there were some things I had to realize about the "gay community" that were different than I had previously thought now that I was suddenly submersed in it. I sure as hell didn't "feel gay" and had no idea what that would feel like anyway. I had to learn that no one actually "feels gay" like I thought I was supposed to. Over time you just start to become more comfortable with liking girls (or boys or boys and girls) and slowly things start to fall into place and you can keep on living your life. I know a lot of the advice you get seems impossible and easier said than done, especially in the beginning, so just take it slow. Take it one step at a time. I know it seems like you'll never get out right now, but I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You're going to live through this, and you're going to be a better person for it.

    As for the latter, this one is tricky. Try not to freak out about *why* you're feeling what you are, and just let yourself feel it. Obsessing doesn't help (and it's so hard not to I know). You might be bi or pansexual, or you might even be gay and just feeling straight because you've been raised in a hetero normative society (*shifty eyes*...that's me) it's ok to be unsure as long as you're honest with yourself about it, which it sounds like you're doing a good job of being. I understand how tough it is to stay away from labels at this point when all you want is something to hang onto. Labels are ok, just don't confine yourself to them. I think I've flipped between gay and bi about 12,000 times in the year and some since I first started to question. That's perfectly ok, because at the end of the day it's your life and you're the only one you have to answer to.

    I hope this wasn't too jumbled, I'm a bit tired. The offer to message me still stands if ever you need someone to talk to (*hug*)
     
  7. Sammy

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    lol how can you be 15 and be this smart XD Slow eh, yeah I'll try not to stress out. I still don't know what to do about my girl crush I guess I'll just try to act normal, well the best I can. I think the worse part of it is that she is gay, so its not like I can hide behind the excuse of "oh shes strait, so theirs no chance" I always feel bad to because I have trouble usually taking to my gay girls friends because (I know this is not what they would do) a part of me feels like there going to try to convert me >< which is stupid. I know how guys feel when they try to figure out a woman though I have no idea where to start. Can I ask a personal question? Have you ever been in a relationship with a girl? I mean I assume but I don't know. Whats it like?

    Tired or not still sounds good Thank you.
     
  8. silentsound

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    As for dealing with the crush, all you can really do is try to look at things logically and distract yourself. There's nothing wrong with just accepting you have a crush and living with it, but after a while that can start to hurt. I guess my best advice for dealing with a crush is to keep her friendship, but you may need to distance yourself a little bit to start to get over her. If you start really going crazy, I always find running or other intense exercise to be a good release, along with just spending time with friends and just unwinding together. For now accept you have a crush on her and either go with it or distance yourself from it, but who knows what could happen in the future, right? I think I've told you this like a thousand times now, but there really is no rush.

    I never had the experience of talking face-to-face with someone who is gay about my own sexuality, but I have certainly posted cries for advice on these boards and another similar one many times. What I found was that some people who have accepted themselves and in some cases come out are really great at giving advice, while others are so much happier and open in their understanding of themselves that they find it hard to exactly understand where you are in questioning before a resolution has become clear. It's not that they're not well-meaning or genuinely trying to help you, it's that they can sometimes try to bring you forward into the light too fast; which doesn't really help you where you are right now. This might be the same kind of thing you're confronting with your gay girlfriends. My advice would be to try to feel them out a little by making small references to what you're going through. Some might brush it off or not really be able to offer you anything, but I guarantee you that at least one will be able to be a good rock for you (perhaps someone who came out relatively recently/ was closeted for a long time?) Honestly though, my best advice here would be to stick around on EC. I think you'll find a community of people here who will always be there to help you out, and many of us who are going through exactly what you are as we speak.

    As for me, while I have had a pretty crazy almost year and a half of figuring myself out and have gotten to a place where I can be pretty happy with who I am, I have yet to actually have a relationship with a girl although I've had relationships with guys. I hope someone else who is a bit more qualified will weigh in here on this one. I am still rather on the closeted side, as I intend to be through high school. As a result of which I am a little out of my depth in this area.

    (*hug*)
     
    #8 silentsound, Apr 5, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2009