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Knowing you are ready to come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LittleMouse, Dec 11, 2016.

  1. LittleMouse

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    I thought I was ready to come out and have been casually putting in place plans to arrange to meet the friend I wanted to tell alone so that I can be sure we can have time to talk. But...I'm getting pretty stressed out about the whole thing and I'm not sure whether it is just natural nerves or if I'm actually not ready and putting too much pressure on it?

    After the last couple of days of thinking I'm just not sure at all. I'm just so confused and now don't know whether to come out in the near future or not. I am spending a long time thinking about it and it's really stressing me out!
     
  2. AnAtypicalGuy

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    If you don't feel comfortable then it's ok, there's no reason to rush into it. Come out when you feel like it, and in the meantime don't let it stress you out too much. If you're stressing at the thought of staying closeted, that's a good sign for you to begin telling others. But if you're stressing at the thought of telling others (not for their reactions, but for your own emotions), then I think it would be better for you to wait it out until you are more confident with yourself.

    In the end, only you can say whether or not you are ready to come out.
     
  3. LittleMouse

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    Hi

    I think it's a bit of both. The idea of telling anyone is pretty scary (which I think is pretty natural) but I also don't like the thought of not saying anything. This is what made me think I was ready.

    I've suppressed and hidden it for so long and now I just want to be myself. I just don't know if I'm ready to actually deal with being out of that makes sense?
     
  4. AnAtypicalGuy

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    Sorry about the late response. From what you've written, you seem to strongly want to come out. Can you pinpoint precisely what it is that is stopping you from doing this? You said earlier that you were getting "pretty stressed out about the whole thing", so is there anything in particular that's bothering you?
     
  5. IceCream

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    When I first came out at around 15 or so I was so nervous that I did it via text rather than face to face, so maybe you could give that a go rather than setting up a meeting? I know I'd be nervous if I knew I was meeting someone solely to come out to them! Doing it via text or facebook messenger or whatever gives you the chance to a) get it over with- once it's sent it's sent with no backing out and b) gives both you and your friend time to word things exactly as you wish and take as long as you need to reply. Anyway, it's just a suggestion! :slight_smile:
     
  6. LittleMouse

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    Yeah I was fairly cryptic. I think it's just the thought of actually being out. Up until now it's just me that actually knows for definite. I think it's just the feeling of not being in control of it any longer. She's a good friend though and she wouldn't be one to spread it. Other bonus is she doesn't know a lot of my other friends as I know her through something none of my other friends are involved in.

    As for texting I have nearly sent a message so many times but I don't think I could handle the waiting for a reply! I think I'm scared it will ruin our friendship. We are close and do a lot of things together when it's just the two of us and I don't want that to stop. (She is straight and purely a friend and I would always want it to stay as friends regardless of her orientation ).
     
  7. silverhalo

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    Hey I totally get where you are coming from. For me when I was coming out it was a battle between the fear of coming out vs the desire and need to tell someone. Eventually my desire and need became greater than my fear, thats not to say my fear had completely gone but it was over powered by my desire. I remember a few times feeling ready and backing out at the last minute, I think it is just because it feels like jumping off the edge of a cliff, it feels like the point of no return. You sound like you are ready you just need that 5 seconds of bravery to go through with it. That being said if you decide you are not ready there is no shame in that you will get there eventually.
     
  8. AnAtypicalGuy

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    Have you ever talked to your friend about her views on LGBT topics? Finding out whether or not she is supportive/indifferent to those things may help to put you at ease. I can understand why you may feel anxious waiting for a reply, so if you think you could handle coming out in person then that may be the best option for you.

    Most of your doubts seem to come from nerves alone, which is understandable as coming out for the first time is nerve-racking for everyone. Having said that, those nerves are probably not going go away any time soon so, provided that it is safe for you to come out, there's not much of a point in waiting for those nerves to pass before doing so. You also said that you're quite sure that your friend won't spread anything if you told her, so the fact that you're still nervous about this further indicates that your feelings of uncertainty come from nerves more than anything.
     
  9. LittleMouse

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    Thank you.

    I think what you say about nerves is true, AnAtypical guy. Sometimes it's just hard to think logically when it's your own feelings you are battling with. I think I know deep down I'm ready but I have had such a hard time accepting myself I think I'm worried other people will also find it difficult.

    I'm not sure of her views, don't think she has much of an opinion from what I've been able to subtly work into conversation.

    I've decided that the next good opportunity I have I'm going to broach the subject and tell her. It is scary even to write that, but I think I'm reaching the point Silverhalo explained where feeling the need to say is becoming greater than the fear.
     
  10. silverhalo

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    Well I wish you luck, I am sure it will go well. :slight_smile:
     
  11. AnAtypicalGuy

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    That sounds about right. As I said coming out is scary for everyone, so try not to get too alarmed if you feel more nervous as you prepare. Good luck in coming out, I wish you all the best for the future.
     
  12. Majush93

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    first of all, it´s completely okay and normal to feel nervous and afraid before coming out :wink: you want to tell someone about a big part of you that other people don´t even know yet so it´s understandable :wink:)

    let me tell you when I wanted to tell my best friend I was SO nervous...I would think about it again and again and never do it...I was really close few times but I stopped myself from telling her because it felt rushed and not really a good time for coming out...for example when we were on the train from school :grin: not a really great place to be honest :grin:

    I knew she is going to accept me...like, I was 100% sure but I still felt nervous because it was a big thing to me...so, I decided to take it slow and I just told myself that I am going to tell her someday when it feels right...

    after a few weeks we went to a trip to the Zoo and at first, I was like "I am going to tell her" but then I thought "no, I will see if there is a right moment and then I will decide"...It was great to think that way because I wasn´t nervous before or during the trip...I didn´t think about coming out but when we went on a lunch we had a great time and I told her :slight_smile: I started to like this: "Did you ever had a secret that no one knew about expect of you?" :grin: yep and that was it...I told her, I was shaking afterwards but she was wonderful :slight_smile:)

    so, my short advice is to take your time, don´t overthink it too much and don´t worry about being nervous :wink: you´re not the only one who feels that way and it´s completely normal :slight_smile: I would just say...make sure you really trust this person and found out if this person is accepting of the lgbt+ community...try questions like: "hey, what would you do if one of your friends way gay/bi...? etc :wink:

    good luck! :slight_smile:
     
  13. LittleMouse

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    Thank you Majush93. I am trying to find out a bit more of her thoughts on LGBT stuff but it's not really up in conversation. She talked about one of her friends getting married and I said about marriage and then briefly mentioned gay marriage (it worked into the conversation) and she didn't really seem to have an opinion which I guess is good? I know her well enough to know she isn't totally against LGBT stuff but not sure what she actually thinks. Guess I'll probably find out soon...
     
  14. Shadowgirl37

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    Don't rush it do what ever is the most comfortable for you