Hi there! I'm going to try to craft this appropriately for this forum topic, but to the moderator, please feel free to bump this thread to the correct place if I fail to adhere to the guidelines. I would like some thoughts. I'm not really sure how to ask for advice, or how to word what advice I would even ask for, but please feel free to give your advice. I realized very, very recently that I'm a lesbian. I have only come out to a few people. Initially, I came out as bi, but the more I process, the less this idea makes any sense. So I suppose I'd like some thoughts on that as well. I will try to tell this story as succinctly as I can, without sparing the more hilarious details. I have exhibited extremely homosexual behavior from the time that I was about 6 or 7, and yet I just barely came to terms with it a few months back at the age of 30. I grew up in a home that was intensely conservative Christian, to the point of extreme. One of my relatives sat me down once in college and told me that gay people deserved to be murdered. We went on vacations to Focus on the Family. We listened to intense discussions about ex-gay ministries. Our church had a Gay Agenda night once that attempted to introduce us to The Gay Plot to Take Over the Earth. I was so wholly afraid of having homosexual thoughts that I would smash them down the moment they popped into my head and I would beg God for forgiveness. There were many of them, too. I was infatuated with my babysitter at the age of 7 and I had an obsessive fantasy where I would dress up in a Batman costume and impress her with my insane ninja skills. I literally imagined her stroking her hair as I punched and kicked the air. When I was 11, I loved staring at my teacher's brand new fake boobs. I did so excessively. I just loved looking at her boobs. I actually had crushes on all of my hot female teachers. I spent hours crafting gifts for them. I longed to see their faces each day. I loved drawing guy superheroes. But I was too afraid to draw women. I was scared that if I drew their boobs someone would think I was gay. I had many crushes on females. I absolutely, under no circumstance, was willing to associate any sort of homosexual labeling to these thoughts. I would seek solace in Focus on the Family radio shows about how there was no such thing as homosexual thoughts. It was just admiration. So I worked hard at liking boys. I had crushes on Aladdin and Spider-Man, but mostly I was jealous because I wanted to be Aladdin and Spider-Man. I did not want to be rescued. I wanted to do the rescuing. I loved hockey and aggressive inline skating. I refused to wear dresses. I refused to wear makeup. When I was 14, I remember trying incredibly hard to fantasize about a boy, and I was practically unable. I had exactly 2 guy crushes all through high school. I was utterly uninterested in any other boys. In order to make myself feel attraction, I would obsess over their pictures until I had convinced myself that they were cute. However, I was madly obsessed with the lady Brazilian exchange student. Total crush. Once I graduated, I got to college. I had no crushes on any guys. I started rock climbing. A girl at school told me that I needed soft hands to touch my man, and I was angry with this. I moved to Utah after graduation to be a hiking guide. I didn't date a man until I was 23, and we didn't even kiss. The first time I had sex was at 25 with a closet gay man who refused to put his dick in me. I had a few one night stands with men over the next 5 years, but no relationships, and for the life of me, I could not figure out what it was. I have literally "swiped left" on tens of thousands of male profiles online. Hot guys like me. But I didn't like them. There was nothing wrong with many of the ones I rejected. I just didn't like them. Fast forward to a couple of months ago. I was out of yet another miserable, failed dating attempt when I saw a picture of one of my very hot female friends on a stand up paddle board wearing a bikini. And there was no possible way to justify why I felt ALL THE FEELS when looking at that picture. And I realized. Aw sh**. I've been playing for the wrong team for 30 years. After a lot of soul-searching, I talked to her and some of my friends and several people told me that their gaydar went off hardcore when I was around. I got brave and I've started asking girls on dates. I went to dinner with one tonight. It wasn't even supposed to be a date. We just drank and ate. But it was hotter than any date I've ever been on. I think I'm finally on the right track. I also want to state that tonight was the first time I ever deeply felt something while on a date. I mostly find dating to be rather boring and intense, pleasant emotions like this while on a date are totally new for me. I know this is right for me, but my family is going to utterly freak out. I'm already picturing 10% of my FB friends sending me private messages telling me that I'm sinning. One thing that has helped me tremendously is that I started learning about the current understandings of biological causation for homosexuality. I realized that I was born with a more masculine brain. I was made this way. I can't change it. If we're going to bring faith into it, than it must be said that God made me this way. And I don't feel condemned. I feel excited to finally figure this out. My family is gonna kill me though. Not literally. But that does scare me a bit. But I'm ready to date some girls. I'm stoked about that. I also want to mention briefly that I no havent subscribed to that brand of Christianity for almost 12 years. I personally believe that due to the fact that there was no scientific understanding of homosexuality, ancient writers did not have an objective basis up comment on this topic. I also appreciate the current work of Matthew Vines and his thoughts have been tremendously important for me. Thanks for reading.
