Apologies for the length of this, but I have a lot to get out. I am a 21 year old guy, and although I can't say for sure, it's probable that I am bisexual. I have never had sex with anyone of either gender, so that is holding me back from confirming this. Here is what I know: 1) I am physically attracted to both men and women. 2) I am romantically attracted to both men and women. 3) I can't imagine myself having sex with a man. I'm not sure if it's because I haven't fully explored the idea of it. 4) I want to have sex with a girl. 5) I would say I think I am more attracted to guys than girls (maybe 70% attracted to guys, 30% attracted to girls). This may seem in conflict with #3, but I swear it's where I'm at right now. It's also possible I'm totally gay and that my feelings for women are because of growing up in a heteronormative environment... I guess? This is the closest I have come to knowing my sexuality, and I'd like to know if anyone has been in a similar situation. Several times over the past year, I have felt depressed because of my sexuality and my inability to define it or confide in someone about it. Recently, I have tried putting myself out there a little more to see what it feels like. I dyed my hair. I went to a gay club. And since there is so much bottled up inside me and now that I feel a little more confident, I think it is time to tell a person. But what do I tell them if I don't fully know myself? I get the sense that a few of my friends are pushing me to come out. Most are clueless, I am sure, but I've had a couple friends who told me to "explore my sexuality" even though I insisted I was straight. Somehow I still don't feel comfortable coming out to those people yet, even though I know they would accept me. At the same time, there is a guy that I am interested in who we will call Nick. The only guys who I have had crushes on before were straight, so I've never had the chance to act on anything. But I am pretty sure Nick is gay. I flirted with him, which is the first time I've ever flirted with a guy, and it was exciting. And I think there is a small chance he is interested in me. But then when it dawned on me that I can't really go further unless I come out at college, and that was a hard pill to swallow. So I guess my last question is how do I proceed with Nick? Stay ambiguous and subtle until I sense some kind of reciprocation? I am really really attracted to him but not quite willing to take the risk of being outed by others instead of myself.
Hey peter5890, Each of us comes to an understanding and an acceptance of our sexuality on our own timeline. For myself, I only came to an understanding of my sexuality at age 23 and it took two more years before I fully accepted it. I would recommend that you not be in a hurry, but listen to your friends’ advice and keep exploring your sexuality. IMO, it is important that a person has an understanding and acceptance of their sexuality before they Come Out. Regardless, don’t let your friends pressure you to Come Out. You can only Come Out if/when you feel comfortable doing so. In terms of determining you own sexuality, one good indicator is whom you fantasize about when you masturbate without pornography. You said that you can’t imagine yourself having sex with a man. When you masturbate, do you ever fantasize about men? Or only women? Or both? In terms of your friend, Nick, why not just be his friend for now? The better you get to know him, the better you will be able to judge whether he really likes you ‘that way’ and whether or not you want to consider Coming Out to him. Just some thoughts.
Peter5890, You're really courageous to be honest about what you're feeling and willing to confront what may come up. In my opinion it's one of the more challenging things for someone to do. I've written a post regarding finding out your sexual orientation. It's not exactly your situation but I hope it may be of some help. I also would encourage a step-by-step approach with "Nick". Friendship first.
