I recently came out as bisexual, for the first time, to my best friend. She took it really well and I know my situation is not bad, not at all, but I still feel really weird about it. I can't really concentrate on school and I'm feeling anxious all the time. I feel sick and I can't eat normally. Also, I'm still shaking a day after and I feel like an idiot because I came out on her birthday. The backstory is that I'm going to be moving to another country soon and we were eating lunch together because of her birthday. I had been wanting to tell her for a long time and I'd been gathering up my courage for a few days already. We were talking about the move and I just thought "This is it, it's now or never". I started the sentence like I planned earlier talking about how I wanted her to know the real me before I went away. It took me a while before I just blurted it out. That was the most scared and nervous I'd ever been and I remember glancing over at her and seeing that she looked very surprised. I'm usually not very open about my feelings, so the whole situation made me feel so uncomfortably vulnerable I wanted to throw up. She ended up telling me that she doesn't care that I'm bi and gave me a hug. She truly is the best, isn't she? Anyways, whenever I'm around her I feel like there's an elephant in the room and I just awkwardly talk about the same mundane things as always like weather and tv shows. I worry that she might think I like her romantically or that she thinks I'm disgusting. I feel too nervous to talk about this to her or to come out to anyone else. I feel like I've lost the safe feeling being closeted gave me, or that I'm not actually gay enough to deserve to feel this way about what I myself would call a successful coming out, if that makes any sense. So... what do? Thank you in advance
Update: She called off a sleepover we had been planning because "a lot was going on" and I'm scared it wasn't really because she was busy. She still came over though to watch some shows with me, but I felt like she was uncomfortable somehow. I'm worried she might think that I'm in love with her, even though I'm not and I don't want to lose my best friend. I feel like I can't talk to anybody, because I'm too stressed to come out to anyone else.
First of all, you are "gay enough". Your feelings are real. You don't need anyone's stamp of approval. Second, I would suggest trying to trust what your friend says. She sounds kind and understanding, from how you describe her. If necessary for your ease of conscience, ask if you may have a few minutes to talk with her and bring up these things you're worried about. I know you're anxious about a lot of things, but refrain from making accusatory statements when talking to her ("Did you cancel the sleepover because I'm gay?"). Instead, a better idea would be to ask about what came up. I think acting distant and talking about mundane things would make her think something's wrong. I think trying to treat her the same as you did before you came out would be good for your friendship, and it would tell her that you like her as a friend and trust her. If by any chance she has the wrong idea, just address the matter honestly. But if that doesn't happen, please try to enjoy the time you have left with her. You feel like there's an elephant in the room, but there's always the possibility it is only you who feels that way, and she's truly fine with your being bisexual, like she said.
I agree that honesty is the best policy. Specifically, I find that these conversations go more smoothly if you start with how you're feeling, from your point of view. Ask if she will listen to you vent a bit (I find that this phrasing makes the following conversation feel less tense--it removes the pressure from her to respond immediately.) Explain how frightening and nerve-wracking it was to come out for the first time. (For that matter, give yourself some grace and compassion as well--this was your very first time attempting something like this! It is totally understandable that you would feel shaken up.) Tell her that you're worried about losing your friendship with her and how much it means to you. She must be an important support in your life if she's the first person you came out to. End by expressing that you coming out does not change your friendship with her, but allows you to more freely be yourself around her. After you've said your piece, tell her that you'll listen openly to anything she has to say in response, good or bad. This gives her an opportunity to share any misunderstandings or concerns that may have come up. My guess is that she doesn't have any, or if she does, that they're worries about your well-being. Friends are pretty awesome like that. In any case, I agree that the worries in your mind are probably far bigger than any real worries she has. It's easy to imagine the worst-case scenario, isn't it? Trust in your friend to stand by you as it seems she has been all this time.
Thank you so much, it really means a lot to me for you to understand my point of view and take the time to reply. You guys are probably right and I should talk to her.
hi first of all...congrats on coming out although, it might be a little weird at the moment btw, I was also shaking when I told my best friend so don´t worry about it and you should maybe try talking about it to your friend ? when you think she thinks of you different say something like: "oh, I am really glad you are taking it this way, I was worried you will think I am after you but I am glad you are not worried because that´s not the case..." you know? just hint or say straight that you are not into her, I am sure that will keep you calmer ) anyway, good luck! )
Congratulations on coming out to your friend, bibirdie. Regardless of anything else, it was a brave thing to do, and being true to who you are is pretty impressive. I'm only out to a handful of people myself (more tomorrow, when I go to a meeting at GLTBQ center near me), so don't consider me an authority, but I loved Kaden's advice. Speaking from the heart seems like it fixes things a lot more often than it causes any trouble.
I've seen a LOT of homophobia on the internet, so I was kind of nervous posting about my sexuality online. Your responses made me feel so accepted and generally just so happy and grateful. I feel like I can finally talk to people and accept & love myself, so thank you all.
