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Coming out to (supportive) friends

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Astrocyte, Dec 18, 2016.

  1. Astrocyte

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    I want to first come out to a certain subset of my friends with whom I'll be going to medical school with before it starts at the end of January. I know they're going to be supportive, but I I'm still finding it hard to actually go ahead and tell them. I have a feeling my not-so-positive coming out experience with my parents may have impacted on my confidence to deliver such news. Additionally, I've always been fairly reserved and I've never really talked about relationships and stuff with my friendship group, so it feels kind of forward of me to all of a sudden blurt out that I find men sexually attractive.

    For me I think some of the bigger difficulties are the logistics of the situation - how do I set up a scenario where it would be appropriate to come out? I'd prefer to tell this group (5 people) all at once, rather than repeat the emotionally draining experience over and over. As tempting as it is doing it over social media, I think it's news probably best delivered face-to-face. It is a personal experience, so it's also not something I'd want other people around to overhear. To make it easy on myself I don't want to make it all too heavy, but at the same time I feel it's inappropriate of me to mention it in passing or make it into a joke. While I have been ambiguous with pronouns for a long time now, I feel it would be wrong of me not to acknowledge that I haven't said anything about my sexuality, or that it's not a big deal.

    So what can I do to make the next step? I understand that coming out is an ongoing process but this step will be a pretty significant once because from there on my policy will be to tell anyone if they ask or it comes up in conversation. I'll also let the news spread through the grapevine, although I don't want my extended family to know (and that shouldn't happen because they are in a completely different sphere - but if it happens though I'll deal with it).
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey Astrocyte,

    With a group of friends, it might be easier to Come Out in a more off-hand manner. You could quietly ask someone about their dating life (even something as innocuous as 'hey, Jim, how is your girlfriend Sarah doing? I haven't seen the two of you together in a while") or perhaps just wait for the subject to come up - it seems like a subject that often comes up in social circles. When someone gets around to asking you, you could tell them that you are still looking for the right guy. Or, if you have a bf at that point, you could just casually tell them about him.

    Just a thought.:slight_smile:
     
  3. Astrocyte

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    I like the thinking, but I think it's a tad dismissive of the fact that when the topic has come up in conversation, I've previously offered absolutely nothing. I don't want to act as if it's like I've always been openly gay and they just haven't heard about it yet. The last thing I want to do is offend anyone by not giving the issue respect, because in all honesty one of my close friends came out to me in some sort of off-hand manner, I'd be a bit offended that they're pretending as if it were no big deal, yet previously chose to keep it to themselves.
     
  4. Gryphon1999

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    Maybe you could write them a letter, and give them it all at once in a group setting. That way you take out the initially emotionally draining part, and you could make sure you say all that is needed to be said. Then you could discuss it with them further, but the pressure is at least a little off of you to break the ice
     
  5. Astrocyte

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    I'm thinking that might be a bit awkward because it's not something you'd normally do. I considered doing this with my parents and in the end I'm glad I didn't because reading a letter can allow feelings to ruminate and intensify, rather than settle. Nonetheless, I appreciate your suggestion and thought in helping me out. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Astrocyte

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  7. Quantumreality

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    Well, previously offering nothing doesn't mean you can't start offering something now. You wouldn't really be acting as if you've always been openly gay, just offering in a quiet, but firm manner that you are being open about it now.

    Why would you offend anyone? If that is such a big concern, maybe you should approach them individually. I mean, otherwise, you would almost have to make it a presentation to the group, wouldn't you?

    Alternately, what about something like wearing a rainbow wristband or some other LGBTQ symbol the next time you get together with the group?
     
    #7 Quantumreality, Dec 20, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2016
  8. Astrocyte

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    Thanks for the reply. :slight_smile: I'll keep on thinking about it - although maybe I'm over-thinking it. I just want to get it right, and there's a couple of things I need to make sure I say. I think I should just seize the moment in conversation like you suggested, but I'll go on and talk about it a little more from there. If, for some reason, no opportunity arises in the next month or so I might just have to come out with it, or try to rainbow idea.

    These friends mean a lot to me. We've all been through some hard times and been open about a lot of pretty deep stuff. I just can't help but feel that they might be a bit put off by the fact that despite already disclosing so much with them, I don't *truly* trust them given I have held off this information for so long. Although now that I write that down I think I am over-thinking it, because clearly I needed time to work through this myself.
     
  9. Quantumreality

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    Honestly Astrocyte,

    There is no right or wrong in Coming Out to anyone else. Our sexuality is very personal and private information. In our heteronormative society, it is still necessary to tell people that you are other than heterosexual, if you are. If they are true friends they will respect and understand that. They will also appreciate the fact that you are Coming Out to them now.

    If you really feel the need to tell one or more of them the whole story about how it took you time to understand and fully accept your own sexuality, you can do so, but you have nothing to apologize about for not Coming Out to them sooner. Your sexuality is truly only between you and your romantic partner(s). It's nobody else's business unless you choose to tell them.

    When I Came Out to my best friend last year, he had no issue whatsoever with the fact that I had kept my sexuality secret all those years. He was, in fact, extremely supportive and appreciative that I had decided to confided my sexuality to them. I first met this best friend 25 years ago at almost the same time that I had finally come to an acceptance of my bisexuality. So I had basically kept my secret from him (and everyone else) for the entire time that I had known him. Just saying...:slight_smile:
     
  10. Astrocyte

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    Thanks, Quantumreality. :slight_smile: I think it's much clearer and I'm more sure of what I need to do now. I appreciate your help and patience.