Back in December, I came home from college for winter break [freshman!]. Chistmas night I left my phone on my bed and went to go take a shower. When I came back, I had gotten a text from my boyfriend saying Goodnight, I love you. The next day, Me and my family went to the mall, and out of the blue, my mom asks me, is so and so gay? Im like Huh? no he isin't . She was referring to my boyfriend, btw I brought him home as a friend once. And so me and my dad got into an argument at the mall and I said Im going back to school tonight. When we got home, my mom approached me and asked why I wanted to leave so soon, I was like I dont want to deal with my dad! And then she asked me, I think i deserve the truth, what was that with the text message, and it saying he loves you? I was like thats how we all talk to each other!! And she asked me, is he your boyfriend? I was like NO! And she asked me if I was gay, I said Idk! and I ended up telling her I was bi, and she said you're my son, and I love you unconditionally. The next day she started crying and said I couldn't sleep last night, I just can't deal with it. And she says You're not going back to school you're staying here, I dont want you to fall into drugs and alcohol. I was like WHAT? I love school! and Im not the type of person that wuld fall into those things!! and so I ended up telling her, if I had a bf back at school, would I be trying to get back with one of my exes? So I told my ex the situation and she agreed to pretend to be my gf, I took her home and we pretended to be together. I know it's bad but I was trying not to hurt my mom. :[. And so she got over it , but she tells me she doesnt want me to have any contact with my "friend". Ohh and when I took him home as my "friend" my parents fell in love with him! My mom always asked for him and even wanted to send him a present. And so now Idk what to do, I want to fully come out to my parents but idk how or what to do. Theyre mexican, and they have the "males are supposed to be macho" mentality I guess. I know how my mom reacted, but idk about my dad, and I want to fully come out to them ...advice? I had a dream where my dad was making fun of me saying I wasnt being myself , and I remember it like he was saying it as if he knew and he was ok with it. My bf's mom loves me and treats me as her child, Idk if wheter to tell her my situation and see what to do? She also took it hard when my bf's sis came out to her{theyre both gay!} so she has some experience.. but still advice guys? Thanks!!
Dealing with close-minded parents, specially in cultures as ours (Latino families are generally more close minded than other culture's) is a tough position. I advise you that the next time you have time to visit your parents, leave them a letter in their night table or in their bed for both to read the first day you arrive. That way you will have time for them to ask you any questions and knowing your mom already told you she loves you unconditionally, she also has a vague clue about it. It will hurt them more if you're their only child. You can also explain them that being in a relationship with a guy doesn't mean that when things concrete into a life-long relationship, kids can come, so they can still be grandparents. You can also explain them that being gay doesn't mean that you're out in clubs 7 days a week, having unprotected sex with everyone or anyone. You can also let them know that you're not into alcohol or drugs, but you're thankful for their concern. Let them know it was not something they did that made you gay it's just yourself. Good luck also - Welcome to EC
Yap, we Latinos have it difficult. It's mostly because of they were raised that they have a hard time accepting it, let alone understanding it. I had a bad experience with my mother when I came out. My coming out was somewhat of an accident, it wasn't suppose to happen like it did and when it did either. But aside from that, my mother is still trying to understand it and she is far from accepting it. (She's Jehovah's Witness, yah, not easy on my part) So when it comes down to it, us latinos have it hard because of our parents.
Jede, did you come out yet? How did your parents deal with it? Casjerem, how are you dealing with your mom and how she took it?
Really, I'm not dealing with it. My counselor gave me some advice, he told me not to deal with it. I've done what I need to do by coming out to her. After that, it's all up to my mom on how she's going to take this. Also, I'm off in school, miles away from her, but even if I were at home, I still wouldn't do much because honestly, I have to give her time and space for her to come to terms with it. Though she rarely brings up the topic, she does talk about it a few times and asks if I am sure this is what I want for the rest of my life. As for how she took it, at first she was lost, like all she could think is how did this happen, is it her fault, and why me(she really didn't say that last part, but I would bet she was thinking that at some point). After the initial shock, she kind of took her frustration out on me, like she did say that what I'm doing is disgusting, and I'm a pig, and that she's not helping me with my college expenses anymore, and that I'm acting like my father (who abandoned us by the way, and not because of what you're thinking of either, he's just one of those dead beat dads). All in all, I don't bring it much to her, cause I want her to deal with at her own pace. If she needs to talk to me for whatever reason, I'm her listening ear.
And btw, what you're doing right now, hiding it and lying to your mom about your bf and your ex pretending to be your gf, you should stop. I'm not saying that I went through exactly the same thing, but the situation might get to the point where your mom is going to find out and then she might just blow, speaking from personal experience. I was planning a date with this guy, and i was talking to him a lot on the phone, and periodically asked me about him, and i just told her he's just a friend. the day came when were going out on our date, and she figured out what was going on, and she just blew up in my face. thankfully, my dad(her boyfriend actually, i like referring to him as my dad cause he cares for me a lot) calmed her down and talked to her. i apologized to her because of what i did(she told me not to go with this guy, and i didn't listen and went anyways). we somewhat made up, but now, i don't know where were at. she hasn't brought it up anymore, so i just let it go.
I can honestly deal with them not talking to me, but I'm afraid that they wont help me out with my college expenses either, and I'm hours away from home. Like I told my mom the day it happened, I don't care what the rest of my family thinks about me, I only care about you guys! Which I think is an issue, them being embarrassed of having a gay son and their friends and family finding out. I do have a job, but it's seasonal and it's for like 4 months, and I can't support myself based on that if it came to me being out on my own. I'm thinking of telling them all during the summer..dunno
I haven't told my parents for the same reasons of being afraid they will stop helping me with college and throw me out of the house (which would be a change, but I've proven I can be independent) but it is not the way I wanted to leave my dad's place in the first place. He's sick and any spark of anger can lead him to the hospital, so I try to not do anything that might jeopardize his health. He is also hard-core Catholic. You're in California, so you have it kinda easier since the environment you live can be more LGBT-friendly. The most important thing is to feel comfortable with yourself when you decide to come out to them.
You should tell them when you feel you're ready to tell them. You don't have to rush or anything. If you feel like they may stop supporting you or might throw you out of the house, I would wait a while to try and figure out how you can work around that situation. Like if you have a friend who you can stay with, or possibly a relative you can ask to stay with, and you don't have to necessarily tell them the complete situation. Just tell them that you want to stay with them a while because you're having some issues at home. And another thing, if you live in California, they should have a lot of LGBT programs that you could consider going to. Maybe you could go there to ask for some advice on how to deal with your parents and their reaction.
mexican parents are always the ones you are too hesitant to tell.....it was gut-wrenching for me. Mom took it very well, but my father was like..."what"?. He is such a jerk sometimes. I mean, he let me go to a prop 8 protest, only to yell at me later for going and supporting the cause. What's up with that? I'll never get his logic.
Hey there! So... Mexicans are usually close-minded people, and I guess that if your parents grew up here in Mexico, they grew up surrounded by the macho culture. Yes, the way people think in Mexico is rather stupid and old-fashioned. On the other hand, your parents have been living in the USA for a while now (I guess), and maybe they're not so close-minded as you think. What Mexicans don't understand is that being a man has nothing to do with liking girls or drinking beer or watching football... etc. Being a man is about growing up, being able to make your own decisions in a responsible way, to become independent. That's what's so wrong about the macho culture here in mexico... they've got really messed up concepts about what "being a man" really is. the macho situation in Mexico is terrible. Just terrible. Men beat their wives... women are totally repressed by men. Mocho men in Mexico think that women shouldn't work... they should only give birth to children, cook, clean and dedicate their lives to the children and being an emotionally unavailable housewife... while her husband is cheating on her and beating her and treating her like sh!@... I think all this has nothing to do with being a man. Real men don't beat women, real men don't repress women... So the fact that a male likes other males doesn't make him less of a man. It has nothing to do. I think your parents, like lots of parents out there, could have a hard time dealing with the fact of having a gay son... but they'll get over it. They are your parents, and as your mom said, you're her son, and she loves you unconditionally. After the rain, there comes the sun. Good luck
Oh man!!! Yeah that's pretty much it, but I mean whyy did my mom tell me she was ok with it and then go the opposite way!! Thanks for your advice, what you said is true about the culture, and it sucks, but I think that novelas and gays in novelas give them the wrong image about how we really are, i'm not femme and they just give us a bad image.
I'm sorry all you guys are going through this. Is there any way of getting grants to help with school? I don't know how all that works. I don't like it when parents play emotional black mail.i.e.- "You do things the way I want you to,or I'll cut you off financially." I wish I had some words of wisdom for you all,all I can say is I wish you all the best and,if you think you should lie,then do what you have to do. It's sad,but may be necessary. I promise ,things will get easier,when you're not under their rules and you're living completely on your own.
I don't know if this will help, but my dad is Cuban very macho. Growing up he was very traditional. I remember when I was 16 I wanted an earring and he said if I did I would be kicked out of the house. So needless to say I never got and earring. When I realized that I was gay I scared to death to tell my dad. When I came out to my sister she said that she thought he would be okay with it. I was not too sure. However when I came out to him his response was 'so you are still my son'. He took it so well. Give your parents a chance. You are their son and they will love you. Also is there someone you can talk to, like a brother or sister?
My sister, which i thought was going to be ok with it, said she was ok with it, but i dont think she is, idk my family said one thing then went around and did the opposite. Im not so sure I want to come out to them again for sure now
I know right? I'm really afraid of telling my dad :[ Heyy I just noticed you're from sacramento :] I'm in Fresno!
Yah... Gays are awfully stereotyped as femme on TV, specially on underdeveloped countries... I can't understand your mom's reaction.. maybe she freaked out. It shouldn't be such a big deal finding out you have a gay son... but unfortunately some people make a fuss out of it. I'm sure your mom will love you whatever happens. I think parents in general freak out because, with homosexuality being a social taboo, there are lots of negative stereotypes like AIDS, promiscuity... etc. and there's homphobia and hate, too. The soultion is easy: they just have to become informed so that they realize that being gay nowadays is not as terrible as much people think it is. But one thing is true: life per se is already very hard, and being gay makes it a lot harder. Good luck!
