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Sick and tired of the closet...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Euphoria, Dec 20, 2016.

  1. Euphoria

    Euphoria Guest

    Hi there, I'm gonna get straight to the point. I'm severely depressed about being so deep in the closet, but I feel unable to come out either. Recently I've started to get suicidal thoughts at least once a day because I just can't be bothered to live this fake life anymore. I'm sick and tired of hiding my sexuality from my friends and family and making up excuses for why I'm so miserable. I want them to know who I truly am, but my fear of rejection prevents me from doing so. I feel like if I stay in the closet any longer I'm going to kill myself, but if I come out and get rejected then I might kill myself anyway. I'm sick of living in this abyss and just wish that one day I can be happy. I want to fall in love with a guy that actually loves me back, but I know that's impossible whilst I'm invisible, especially when I'm living with my homophobic parents.

    This life just feels so pointless. Everyday I see glimpses of what life could be like if I was out of the closet, but they're just glimpses. Sometimes it's looking in the eyes of my crush at work which does it, and loving the way that he smiles. Other times it's just seeing a gay couple walk down the street or seeing news of a pride event on the internet. There's a whole range of things which give me a glimpse into that life, but I just don't know if I can hold on indefinitely for something that might never materialise :help:
     
  2. Calypto

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    Hey Euphoria!

    It saddens me to read your story but whilst I was reading through, there are a few things you mentioned that I can relate to. I see you're 20 years old, possibly studying or working and living away from your parents? Correct me if I'm wrong!

    Although I can relate to a few things you mentioned, once difference is that I do have parents who are homophobic. To be honest, I believe this is somewhat true, a mother would know if their son/daughter was gay. Have your parents ever questioned or hinted at you?

    I came out a little later than you so I can't really tell if it's the right time for you to come out of the closet but with the thoughts you're having, I think it's time to start alleviating some of this stress and anxiety. About the comment of leading a "fake life", you're right! It is fake but only you can turn this around. This reminds me of how I felt about my life being fake and not being myself.

    Get back to me about your living circumstances so I can try and help as much as possible.

    Looking forward to your response!
     
  3. Euphoria

    Euphoria Guest

    Hi Calypto, I'm currently working in a full-time job and still living with my parents, who I'm financially dependent on. They aren't extremely homophobic but they aren't very supportive of homosexuality either. Whenever a gay person comes on tv for example, they're the first to make off the cuff 'jokes' about how 'camp' they are and how they're always 'mincers' and 'gayboys', etc. It's a weird form of homophobia really; it's not the traditional 'hate-the-gays' mentality that some people have, it's more tolerant than that, but it's a type of tolerance which still implies that homosexuality is inferior to heterosexuality, leaving heterosexism intact and gay people invisible.

    Well I think they might have guessed I'm gay because I've never had a girlfriend in my life, I've never really talked about girls and I always meet up with guys, albeit straight ones. In addition to never having shown a desire for women, I also act in a way which is fairly 'feminine'. I don't act too feminine, but feminine enough to unsettle gender norms and arouse suspicion that I might be gay. After having read your post, I think it's definitely time for me to start reducing this stress somehow, because leading this 'double-life' is starting to damage my relationships with people.

    Thank you Calypto, I'd appreciate any more advice that you could offer :slight_smile:
     
  4. Barbatus

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    Hi Euphoria,

    Sorry to hear you are having a tough time but it sounds like you know what the problem is, not being out and having to live an emotionally isolated and lonely life because of that. Coming out is a process and we all have to do it at our own pace and in a way that we feel works for us. It sounds like you have achieved internal acceptance which is a big milestone in itself. Now I'm not just saying this as a cliche but to point out that you have reached a point where you know who you are and this will make it easier for you to deal with things when you come out (which as I say is a process entirely up to you). It's also important because it means that any difficulty you encounter won't undermine your thinking or belief about being gay.

    So having said that, it sounds like you have reached the point where you want to be out but aren't sure how to do it. Is that right? If it is then you need think about the practicals. As Calypto said you can look at moving away or studying abroad which would be a good move and help you be open as a gay man. It sounds like that might be tricky for you right now but maybe you could look at flat sharing?

    As for coming out to people, you have a couple of options.

    One you could come out to your parents first (either telling them together or separately if you think one might be easier going than the other). This would have the advantage of getting the people who will be the most difficult for you to tell to know early on but it might require a lot of strength from you. From the sounds of it your parents aren't homophobic enough to kick you out but they might make some hurtful remarks to you. After they know they may change their view because it may challenge their views of homosexuality and they may prioritise your well-being over their viewpoint. I, obviously, don't know your parents but if they are culturally homophobic (i.e. they have just grown up with that view) then they may not be deeply prejudiced. This might however be the most confrontational approach and you may not feel this is the way for you.

    The second option, is to tell someone else, for example a friend (you didn't mention siblings but they might also be an option if you have some). The advantage with telling a friend is that they are likely to be less prejudiced if they are in your age group, you know them already and can bring up their views on homosexuality in general conversation to test them out and that they can provide support when dealing with your parents or other obstacles. Given your concerns with your parents this might be a better approach.

    You might also want to think about joining a local gay support group. This obviously depends on whether you can drive and where you live but you'd be able to make friends and get support from people who know what you are experiencing and who are the same as you.

    Please post back if you want help and support with anything. We are all here to help and most of us have been in the same situation. As most will attest, we feel much better having published who we are to those we care about. There isn't really much I can tell you about your situation as you've got a clear idea of what you need and want in life. I will just say that we all have felt trapped by the expectations of others (and parents are particularly difficult to challenge) but once you are out you'll feel so much better and your relationships with others will improve because you won't be feeling so depressed. Finally, don't self-harm (I've been down that road and it is a very counter productive coping mechanism) and try to keep your mind off suicide. I know it's difficult to enjoy anything the way things are now but the only thing I find that works is to keep busy - even though everything seems like such a drag keeping your mind occupied on other things will help you get through the day.

    Please keep posting and you can just rant and rage here - just don't keep things bottled up as that just adds to the sense of pressure and suffocation. Hope this helps but just say if there's something you want to talk about.
     
  5. Euphoria

    Euphoria Guest

    Thank you very much for your reply Barbatus. I did it, I came out to my mum and we plan on telling my dad later :slight_smile: I'm so relieved that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I thought I was going to get rejected but she was quite accepting. Of course, I don't expect her to fully understand it and it was a bit of a shock but she reassured me that it was my life and I had the right to live the way I wanted to.

    I just can't believe how much better I feel! It feels amazing just to tell someone how I feel. I still can't believe that I did it :lol:
     
  6. Totesgaybrah

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    :smilewave:thumbsup:(!)

    Great job! It feels great doesn't it?
     
  7. Barbatus

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    Hi Euphoria,

    That is fantastic. I'm so pleased for you. It's so hard to predict how people will react and it can feel a bit like a leap in the dark.

    I'm really glad you are feeling better, it makes such a difference being able to be open and honest. I hope it goes well with your Dad and you've got your mum on side. I hope this is start of a much better period in your life. :slight_smile:

    Well done and all the best for the future. You've taken a really fantastic step forward.
     
  8. csm123

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    Well done , you've just taken some big steps towards freedom and happiness.Hope it goes just as well with your dad.
     
  9. Calypto

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    Wow, seems that no further advice is required by the looks of it.

    Well done! It's difficult but you've got the first hurdle out the way. All I'm going to say is, figure out how you father is going to know (work this out with your mother) as I think it may be more difficult to digest the information for a man than it is for a women. Women are usually more sensitive so it make it easier for them to understand.

    Wishing you the best of luck, I hope you old man finds out soon to fully get rid of this double-life but it's great that you feel good about this. Hopefully you can now appreciate what heavy weight was lifted from your shoulders by today's actions!

    Woot!! :slight_smile:
     
  10. Euphoria

    Euphoria Guest

    Thanks guys for all of your help and support :slight_smile: At the dinner table tonight I came out to my dad as well. Understandably it was a surprise for him, just like it was for my mum, but they said that they love me nonetheless and want me to be happy with my life, which is very reassuring. I think we must have discussed the whole thing for about 3 hours in total, but then again, I've been hiding my sexuality for years so I had to make up for it :lol:

    Thanks again and I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year :smilewave
     
  11. Calypto

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    Glad that it all turned out great for you Euphoria... have a great Christmas yourself! :slight_smile:
     
  12. Barbatus

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    Same here. Really pleased it worked out so well. Sounds like your parents have been great. Have a great holiday and new year. :slight_smile:
     
  13. Linkmaste

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    I love happy posts like these. Makes everything feel good especially near the holidays.

    Keep in touch with your parents and know were here for support or advice. Merry Christmas :slight_smile:
     
  14. lonewolf79

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    I can cry from happiness reading this post. You're super brave and have taken a bold step. Well done. Fantastic news, mate. I wish you all the best.
    Merry Christmas, all the way from Cape Town :slight_smile: Best wishes for 2017.
     
  15. djkanan95

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    This post just made my day a whole lot better. I am so happy for you that you were able to do that. That takes a lot of courage. I just came out to my friends and family not to long ago and it was nerve racking so i completely understand. I'm glad it worked out for you though! :slight_smile: