26 & Closeted... Anyone Else?

I was in the same seat until last year basically. That feeling of being behind is so discouraging but what you need to realize is that there is no set timeline for any of this. Do things at your own pace and you will get a lot of time to make up for the things you haven't gotten to do yet

 

Hey alainbeaux,

First, I’d like to say that you should only Come Out to anyone if/when you are comfortable doing so. There is no “right” answer. No template. And certainly no ‘requirement’ to ever Come Out. Your sexuality is only the business of yourself and your romantic/sexual partner(s).

Having said that, can I ask what is really holding you back from Coming Out?

Speaking for myself, I only understood my sexuality at age 23 and didn’t fully accept it until age 25. At which point I was in the US military and went into the deepest part of the closet so that I could enjoy my chosen military profession, Coming Out to absolutely no one until last year, at age 50.

For many of us (LGBTQ people), we Come Out to one or more close friends first and establish a support network. That way we can be totally open with some others. After that, we often Come Out to best friends and family members. It’s extremely hard to Come Out to anyone, but we tend to have the hardest time with best friends and family because we have the most to lose if they reject us. That fear tends to keep us in the closet longer. But the reality is: you can and should only Come Out if/when you are comfortable doing so. You can’t worry about the past, only look towards the future.

I don’t know if that helps...

 

I think if you just start with one person, and not worry about telling everyone right away it might take a little stress off. Maybe tell your closest friend or an acquaintance or something. After telling one person you'll most likely be more comfortable telling another, and another eventually.

 

never compare yourself to others.. comparison is the thief of joy. youre on your own journey. You should try making some gay friends (including that guy) and open up to them about your sexuality.

 

I was you, apart from female (and I didn't realise my gayness quite so early).

In fact exactly 8 years ago today I timidly signed up to EC a bit of a mess unsure and completely in the closet. I am now completely out and have a girlfriend of 7 years. It's never too late, rather than thinking about all the times you should have come out, let us help you work out how you can do it (if that's what you want).

 

I was in a very similar position as you are up until November 5th when I came out to my parents and friends, my coming out went really well and I pretty much just wish I had done it sooner. I know how you feel about missing out on so many things, I have about as much experience as you do.
There will never be that "perfect" time to come out. You don't need to come out ever but if you want to then you just have to face that fear of rejection and do it.
The way I made myself finally do it was to set my 27th birthday as the deadline, I was pretty much freaking out during the weeks leading up to it but I managed to come out in a letter to my parents 5 days before the deadline.
Whatever you decide, we are wishing you luck.

 

I came out when I was 26, but I still find myself coming out to people everyday. There is no right time or age to do it. If it is right for you now, it is right

Choosing to finally come out was by far the best thing I have ever done in my life and I wish I had done it years and years ago, but realistically I can look at my life and realise that I was not ready emotionally to do it before then. And as for experiences, yes I have missed out on some by not coming out earlier, but I have also gained a lot by the same actions.

Whatever you decide to do - I cannot wish you enough luck and support!

 

I've told three people that I'm questioningn ... I always felt relief afterwards and its nice to know there are real people I can talk to about it. I'd recommend finding people you can trust and you know would be fine with it, and doing the same.

 

I am 29 and out to my family only. I told my brother 3 years ago and he was very accepting. I told my parents 2 years ago and they say they still love me but I am not normal. I think that coming out is an individual process and you have to come out when the time is right for you.

 

First, I am 25. Soon to be 26. I am still in the closet as well and feel the same way. I have only told my two best friends. They were both supportive, however I was extremley afraid of losing one of them. Make sure it is YOUR decision to come out. I am far more afraid to come out to family. You shouldn't have to justify who you choose to love in life. If I like guys, I like guys and I have also had an extremley difficult time accrpting it. I have fought myself internally for weeks since I came out to the two of them last december. We will be here for you when you need us.

Good Luck!

 

Coming out is a process; no need to rush it.

I have known I am gay since I was 16, and I am still "in the closet" to all except a few friends that I have told.

I choose to keep my private life private for a few reasons:

1. I have a profession that would/could be impacted by people knowing.
2. I am concerned at how my family would be impacted by the knowledge.
3. I have no vested interest in being labeled "that gay guy over there" at almost 40.

I have built a life based on who I am and the talents I possess over the past 39 years, and I very much intend to keep it that way. I have told the people I feel could be discreet and should know based on past experiences, and they have all - every single one of them - been incredibly supportive.

That being said, I have real doubts about having waited so long to pull the band-aid off. The climate now is so much more accepting than when I was in high school, and I can tell you that I have missed out on opportunities for relationships because of my hesitation to live a genuine life. I have spent an enormous amount of creative energy finding new and improved ways to cover up my sexuality, and I do have regrets about what could have come from that energy had it not been used up keeping a secret that everyone (probably) has already figured out.

I say this all to say this; you have so much life to live, and it is a shame to waste it on making concessions. Sex isn't the only thing you're missing out on by not being open about yourself; there are simple moments that we closet jockeys miss out on that make the regret enough to choke on. A simple kiss, a hand on your knee, a stare across a dinner table - we miss out on those moments regularly, and at the end of the day, our hesitation doesn't justify those human desires for love.

For goodness' sake, at a minimum just give yourself permission to be who you are. Others already know what you're worth, so take pride in whatever "brand" you've built around yourself. You being gay doesn't change that.

If your family is your concern, then look at some of the comments above; there are plenty of examples of how your family could react, and let that be your reality until proven wrong.

If your friends are your concern, remember that in 20 years, most of those people will have moved on to other priorities and your bedroom activities will be the absolute least of their worries. Their missed time with you will, however, be a regret of theirs forever.

You haven't hit any kind of expiration date yet; hell, even at 39 there's still hope! Just don't let regret be the standard in your life. The loneliness and self-pressure you will put on yourself aren't worth the heartache to hold on to, friend.

These are the ramblings of someone who is the 13-year future self for you, so take them for what they're worth to you. I encourage you to regroup and put yourself out there to a few people. You WILL find love out there from your friends and family, but you will have to be genuine, to yourself and others, to really find it.

Best of luck to you, and welcome to the journey.

---------- Post added 9th Jan 2017 at 12:27 AM ----------

AND...

It should have read, ". . . our hesitation doesn't justify NEGLECTING those human desires for love." We all deserve those.

 

Everyone is different in there coming out process. I only started to have real same sex attraction at 27 with accepting occurring last 3 months at age 30. Three and half years of not really giving it a lot of thought keeping myself busy. In fact, I can't remember ever really checking out other guys till maybe the last 2.5 years.

Since accepting the last three months, I have begin a journey of enjoying my sexuality and accepting myself for who I am. Being able to hold hands in public with a guy I was taking back to my apartment was the most liberating feeling Ive ever had and will do it again and again.

I am slowly coming out, although not directly verbally with anyone related/ friends yet- not to say Im not giving hints to people via word or social media. My family can be homophobic at times, although I can get my Dad to come around usually by simply saying I disagree with his comments.

Everyones circumstances are different including yourself. I really agree with previous comments that to put yourself out there with people. Enjoy yourself and your journey. You are not alone in experiencing this.

 

Hi Ryan! What profession is that?

---------- Post added 9th Jan 2017 at 05:59 PM ----------

Hi Yonk! Weren´t you attracted to anyone during your teen years?

 

In a way I'm in the same position as you. I think coming out is something very personal and even though everyone knows your classmate is gay you still don't know what he is going through and it's the same as you.

There are no "deadlines" or the proper time of coming out but I can tell you that it really is a great help opening up to someone who you are close with.

I first to confessed to my psychologist then my cousin and a friend from high school until I got the courage to sign up on dating sites and that's where I met my bf but despite all this I could still not come out to my family but it's still a stepping stone for me.

 

I was in that position. I only came out at 25 ... before that I didn't want to accept anything to do with being gay. I told friends and family and now, 12 years later... I am basically back in the closet It's like it never happened... I still get angry seeing openly gay guys who are so comfy being themselves and living the life they deserve. I can only hang on to hope that one day I can before it's too late.

 

Hi KyleD,
Great question. In all honestly I remember very few like possibly 4 guys that I though were attractive, but not in any sexual way. My attraction and sexually attraction was women up to around 27. I must admit between 24 to 27 there were odd occasions were I found the male body attractive sexually but this to me was not something I desired, in particular sexually.

Perhaps a difficult event brought on by one of my parents was to potentially play a part in this journey of mine.

I guess sexually orientation can be quite complex.

 

Oh, that´s interesting Yonk! Do you still find women sexually attractive? When I was a pre teen I did find women and men attractive until my attraction to the same sex took over completely.

And what was the difficult event with your parents if you don´t mind me asking? :icon_redf

 

Yeah still do find women attractive to some extent, but having too much fun at the moment :icon_bigg

 

Oh I see. :icon_bigg