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How to find closure on not being able to come out to family?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jadey95, Dec 29, 2016.

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  1. jadey95

    jadey95
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    I know for a fact that I will never be able to come out to my family. It goes strongly against their beliefs. They are very homophobic and transphobic. I have a hard time sometimes not chiming in when they make remarks towards gay or trans people.

    I have a couple people I am out to who love and support me, so it helps. It just hurts being around my family and feeling like they wouldn't love me if they knew the true me.
     
    #1 jadey95, Dec 29, 2016
  2. FalconBlueSky00

    FalconBlueSky00
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    I would love to hear other people's thoughts on this too. I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that my family won't accept me when I come out to them and what I will do with that. I don't want to be completely without family but it looks more and more like I'm heading that way. It hit me hard this week that my family would be disgusted by me if they knew. But all the years I've spent lieing about who I am to them doesn't make me feel we have a close and supportive relationship either. The thought that I need to make my own family keeps popping into my head. (Not talking about babies but chosen family)
     
    #2 FalconBlueSky00, Dec 30, 2016
  3. bunnydee

    bunnydee
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    I am in the same boat for a very long time now... 30yrs went by fast.
    I know for a fact when I come out to them, that's it. They will disown me and no longer be family.

    For the closure part if you are not in denial, I don't think it can be done. Each day I find harder to be, not being myself and I see them all daily.

    In denial, it easier. You have moments it can get to you, but mostly time flies by and you are just living.
     
    #3 bunnydee, Dec 30, 2016
  4. jadey95

    jadey95
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    I feel like I've had to make my own family with my boyfriend and friends. It's small, but it does it. I guess you either have to stay closeted or decide how you would want to handle the possibility of being disowned. I have decided to stay closeted because I know for a fact I would be disowned and I really do not think I could handle that.

    ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2016 at 11:52 PM ----------
    Thanks, I think it is just a thing of time.
     
    #4 jadey95, Dec 30, 2016
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    I don't think anyone "knows for a fact." And if you read the archives here, I think you'll see that borne out. We have quite a few members who absolutely swore that their parents HATED LGBT people with a passion and would never, ever accept them.

    Many had an initial explosion when they came out... parents threatened them or threw them out of the house or simply made their lives miserable... but an overwhelming percentage of people who have bigoted, ignorant family members find that, eventually, their family comes around. People would rather come to accept and love their children as they are than not have the children around at all.

    But at the end of the day... you're also correct that some people simply create their family and end up very happy that way.

    As far as closure, if it were me, I wouldn't close the door on the possibility of coming out, but it might make sense to just wait until they no longer have any control in your life. At that point, you hold all the cards... and if they want to shut you out, they are the ones who lose. Most parents won't choose that option.
     
    #5 Chip, Dec 31, 2016
  6. FalconBlueSky00

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    Chip is right that there are people who with a lot of patience found acceptance with their families. My pessimism with my own family comes from years of them having a need to control my actions. When they realize that they can't control this about me, I expect things will go badly even if it doesn't get to full blown disownment. Evaluate your family not just on their LGBT beliefs but own how they have treated you and others in the past. Find your own financial independence, and if you think they will come around in time give it a go. Personally I've come to the point where they accept me, disown me, or whatever I'm going to come out. I'm tired of the lies, and damage ot your self worth that the closet inflicts. I'm in the middle of getting my finances in order and my friends crisis resolved then I'm going for it. Thought I was good to go about this time last year, hopefully it doesn't take another lost year to get to where I want to be. If you don't want to come out though don't. Personally I don't think there is a right or wrong thing to do, we all got to survive the best we can.
     
    #6 FalconBlueSky00, Jan 1, 2017
  7. jadey95

    jadey95
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    Thank you for your thoughts, Chip and Bunny45. I am not currently in that position right now to do so. But, if I ever do, I will consider it if I can.
     
    #7 jadey95, Jan 1, 2017
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