That fully accepting my sexuality would make me realize how disconnected I am from my former female identity, so I knew to tell people my preferred name before they knew so much about me.
How difficult it would be and that it would get harder not easier as the years passed ... sadly I have not had a good run.
I wish I'd known: - that people can really surprise you with how they supportive they are – both for better and worse. I have people I expected to be cool who weren't, and people I thought would be unaccepting who turned out to be completely awesome about it. - that coming out is a lifelong process. There's always someone new to tell, and sometimes the people you've already told don't get it and need to be told repeatedly. - that people can be total assholes if you end up dating against your stated preference. I came out as lesbian, 100% believing that at the time, then ended up falling for a guy for a while. People were total assholes about it. Now I refuse to define my sexuality too strictly because who knows what the future holds?
I'm only out to my bestfriend but I wish I knew how close it would make us and that I shouldn't have worried myself.
That it's a repeated process. You'll have to come out over and over and over again because of assumed heteronormativity.
I wish I knew how much keeping it secret was taxing me mentally. It was a huge weight off my shoulders when I finally told someone, and it enabled me to grow a lot more as a person after I did it. Still not fully out because of the society I live in , but out to some people that matter made all the difference.
Before I came out as bi, I feared that girls would fear or loathe me and stop being friends (I'm bio female and still perceived by others as a female). I wish I knew that 1) if they're not homophobic, that doesn't happen. 2) if that happens, they are wrong and you are right. The problem is theirs and you don't have to apologize for your sexuality .
I wish I knew how supportive the majority of people would be. I was really worked up and confused about coming out and I didn't need to be thankfully. I wish I knew that keeping it in would cause that much confusion and stress, I kept it to myself for quite some time and was happy to finally be open. I also wish I knew how I would have to keep correcting people when they assume I want a boyfriend/husband because it's considered the 'norm', coming out isn't a one time process and it would continue on in life - now I know that, I do let people casually know where appropriate- accepting myself means it doesn't stress me out as much to come out to others.
I'm 44, and this is a really central question for me right now in middle age. I've been feeling a bit of disorientation lately because it feels like (whether it's true or not - I'm in the middle of figuring it out) that I've "lost my bearings" or that I've got "writers block". I have a completely authentic life that sometimes feels really overwrought and complicated because I'm making it up day by day in a pretty substantial way. Do I want/need/require monogamy? Do I want to retire early by selling my soul to my career, or should I smell the roses while I'm relatively young? If I'm able to be present for my eulogy someday, would I be proud of the life I lived and feel that I used up every moment of time and all other resources available to me? I don't think these questions are unique to gay men; I think they're mid-life questions most people ask. But a single gay man has so much freedom it can be a little challenging to find comfort from deep within that you've made the right choices when all your life you've been told you're unworthy - and untrustworthy - inside. Happily enough I have lots of options, but I also don't have the typical achievements of a straight lifestyle. When you go it alone you really do go it alone, and by your forties you get the full impact of this. It's not a bad thing, but it's not all sunshine and Pride rainbows that I had thought in my 20s would be the automatic result of coming out. That being said, I fully thank myself for coming out. For my sexual identity (fully gay, not bi) there was no other "truthful" option. I put "truthful" in quotes because even truth is a very personal judgment call and it can be messy. I have no idea how I would feel if I were closeted, because it's not like me to begin with. I'm too idealistic. Could compromise have been worth it if I were more "practical" about the closet? I want to be remembered for my own life, not the life I thought I should live for someone else. At the very core of it, that's why I thank myself for coming out. If I could say one thing to myself as a scared teen, it would be "Stick to your gut, and prepare for adversity in every stage of life. But, it will be fine and you will be the owner of a life all your own - warts, beauty, and all." But, a life all our own, warts and all, is all any of us ever get anyway. Might as well admit this and be the full, conscious, deliberate owner of this wonderful and sometimes wacky gift of life.
