Hello everyone, I don't know if this is the right place to write this thread, but sorry if it's not. So I am going to talk about my very first thread: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/209823-why-am-i-gay.html The thing is that I am very tired of pretending everything is going to be okay, I am sick of feeling this way, it is getting worse for me mentally, I am tired of hiding, I am tired of being fake, I am tired of everything. I keep telling my self that one day I will be okay with being gay, but I am not, I just can't accept being gay, why the fuck can't I, I AM MENTALLY GOING INSANE, and it's reflecting in my way of functioning, I never laugh as I used to be, I am never studying as I used to be, I used to ace all exams, now I am barely studying, and it's because I keep thinking of this issue, and how dreadful it can be in the future, and whether someone gonna find out, and make me lose all I love, or how am I gonna accept it, I am so tired. I've also met 2 gay guys, and talked for a bit, and then I held back because I was scared to go on, and I still didn't accept my self, I am acting all tough when I say that it's gonna be fine, but it truly isn't. I dunnu if you guys have any idea how BAD IT IS GETTING. I so want to make peace with this, and I can't, why the heck I can't accept being gay, I mean I am christian and I love being christian, but this isn't what's holding me back, because I know god loves everyone no matter what, I just don't know the reason, I am so unhappy with the way I am thinking and how I can't make peace, it's something in my subconscious, that's like not accepting the real me, and it's destroying me slowly, I cry once a week thinking about this, I swear sometimes I cry my heart out as I never cried before, and before going to sleep my pillow would be so wet of tears. I just hold my sound so my parents can't hear me cry that night. Right now, I don't care about being gay or not, but I want to study and do good, MORE LIKE GREAT, in my degree, and I feel this is the only thing holding my thoughts to concentrate on anything, because I remember before I didn't worry about being gay or not, because I dunnu I just didn't care what was my sexuality for some reason ( I don't know how I couldn't think of that back then, I wish I can remember). And if I do peace with it I would stop thniking about it, and I will get my thoughts and mental stuff back. Help me please, I am really F**ked up atm, I beg someone to get me out of this, I so want to ace my exams like I used to do. Thanks in advance, Conan
There are aspects and conflicts in your subconscious mind that sabotage you, and while it may be linked to your sexuality in some way, i don;t think your sexuality is the cause. The cause is deeper. There's other stuff from your childhood there, most likely a conflict with the parent of sorts. Therapy will help you dig that out and see it for what it is, but it won't happen over night. You may correlate the thoughts about being gay with your inability to study but correlation is not causality. ---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 12:47 PM ---------- Edit: Just re-read my post and realised it came across rather cold, and I am sorry about that. I do get what you are saying and feel you anger and frustration with it. You have every right to be upset about this, i just don't want you to go without professional guidance in the matter. Look to blame my failures on the gender issues is something that i did for a long time and it did not help. Me being M2F trans had nothing to do with me doing bad in my first university, after acing the admission exams in both math and physics. Being self destructive was caused by other conflicts, linked with the sexuality, but not directly... in some way i was doing it to punish my parent who never saw me and never accepted me for who I was. Maybe is the same for you maybe not, you need a therapist to help you bring light to that corner of your mind.
My heart breaks for what you are going through. I've been there. I went back and read you first post. Everything you said in the first post is why I have stayed closeted for my life. I think the problems with studying has to do with your struggle for wanting to be your true self going against everything you posted. I don't think you hate being gay, you hate the situation you feel you are in because you know you are gay. If all that stuff didn't exist in the first post - if your family was well-adjusted, supportive and approving of you being gay, bisexual, whatever. If there was unconditional love, would you still hate being gay? So warmembrace is right, you have got to deal with the other issues while you deal with accepting yourself. Counselors are great at that. Try to find one in your area, or maybe your school has one available. I wish you peace, but I know it is hard to go through this. We are here to listen/read/respond when you need us.
Thank you for responding, I'll tell you why I feel it's the reason, because whenever I try to study or do any other activity, in the back of my head I remember I am gay (somehow it pops up to me while I am studying) and instantly go to read some things in internet that mess me all up, and keep thinking that my friends will hate me, parents will disown me and stuff like these, each day when I think of being gay these ideas come flashing, and I don't remember anything bad from my parents as a child, they actually love me so much, now as they don't know I am gay, they still would sacrifice them selves for me, probably the idea of them disowning me after coming out, and ending up alone is the one freaking me out all the time, plus don't know if this is related, but since you mentioned childhood problems, I would say I've been bullied really hard at school, but now no longer, don't know if this might be a reason, but I actually do NEVER think about these moments XD like never, I got bullied and it's gone now. I mean all the bullies who used to bully me, are actually saying hi to me now when they say me, it's quite cool, and I am not scared of them anymore tho, the only scary ting is the loneliness that is filling my heart now, and the real life loneliness if i come out, I don't want to end up alone ! it would kill me that some one would hate me for being who I am. ---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 03:51 AM ---------- OMG, what you said is actually exactly what I am feeling (u can say 90%), I don't hate being gay, I just hate how people think of it, and the idea that they will hate you for being it, this is what I hate I think, and since I'm a middle eastern it makes it worse, I will probably literally die if anyone finds out, good thing I am masculine XD.. and yeah if my family and friends had no problem with it at all, probably in my head I wouldn't feel any pressure coming out, and life would've been smoothly easy as anything else. you explained me more than I explain my self kinda hahaha Thanks for responding again. ---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 03:52 AM ---------- Now one more thing, what if I am scared of a professional, because I wouldn't be able to tell him I am gay, I am so scared ..! Help me with this
When I started counseling, I would literally sit in office for an hour and say nothing. It took me over a week to get past hey. In about a month we were good for saying how's your day been. It's not that I didn't want to talk. I had LOTS I wanted to say, but I couldn't muster up the courage to get the words out. If you have the right counselor - which they are all really trying to help, they understand. You can write it down what you want to say and hand them the paper, or say nothing. It is your time, not theirs. Well their time too, but you know what I mean. Believe me my family is the type that is what you said, each one would give their life for me. But at the same time, I know they would do so only knowing me as straight me. They are very homophobic, especially my mom and that is why I am 45 and just now accepting myself. I love my family, probably, definitely too attached to them and their opinion of me. But it is scary having to choose between accepting yourself and being happy with yourself - and the possibility of losing them, and not finding love because you are different than mainstream majority. I chose to hide and be "good" for my family. That has its own issues and if you avoid the years I have wasted, I wish you all the best. I would give anything to redo time and start accepting myself at your age. To live my life as me, not what they perceive or want me to be. But we get no do-overs in this life.
You may want to research the confidentiality regulations/laws in your country. In the US, anything that a patient tells their therapist is considered confidential unless the patient says something that indicates that they intend to harm themselves (suicide) or others (murder). If a therapist violates that confidentiality for any other that those two reasons, their license to practice is revoked. If your country has similar confidentiality regulations/laws, then it would 'simply' be a matter of summoning the courage to open up to your therapist about your sexuality, which is what bunnydee addressed.
Thanks for posting that Quantumreality. I did not notice where he was located. Please Conan check the rules/regulations first.
Hello Conan The subconscious mind is a fortress, it will take a you long time together with a good therapist to break its defences and realise what is buried there. For instance look above, it took you just several paragraphs from when you went from "I think that being gay is the cause of the problem" to "how others think about me being gay is the cause of the problem". That's only the start of the road. It is important for you (naturally) how other people think of you, and accept you, but at first glance there are some non- acceptance wounds there, and those might have begun from really early childhood. It is the pain from those wounds that might be what is making you to drop your studying effort and go online to read the articles that you mention. *hugs* . But you are making steps towards sorting it out that that is great . Things will get better. And yeah, check out the confidentiality clauses in your country for therapists, didn't occur to me that they might be less strict in your country, good adice from Quantum ---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 03:52 PM ---------- *advice even. I really need to learn how to type slowly and double check for typos before posting
Oh man, this is really comforting, that I found this website, so many people who help alot, thank you guys, this means alot <3, I hope I will be able to get this courage and tell a therapist :3 Thank you very much guys
First of all, hugs. I so relate to that feeling of being too distracted with life stuff to focus on school. It sucks. Is moving overseas an option for you? I know it's drastic, but it sounds like that's your best chance for living an authentic life. In your shoes, I would focus my energy on getting the hell out of that environment. I wish I had some more specific advice than that. I don't know what it's like to live in a super homophobic country so I can't speak from experience. Can you connect with people from your country and ask how they deal with it?
I don't know how to find other gay people, we do not have clubs, and I am too scared of being seen by my friends or others, plus I am considering the idea of leaving after I get my degree, 2 years left for me to get the degree and get my own job, and then I everything will get easier, but I must focus on studying, but this is the hard part. I am trying my best to forget about my life problems and sexuality, but I can't help but thinking about them every time, and music sometimes makes it harder to forget, some music just melt me ( I listen to music almost all day XD, I love music and I so relate to them when I am sad) ! MUST GET MY SHIT TOGETHER, and study now !!! thanks for responding tho <3
