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How to Choose the 1st Person to Come Out To?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by alainbeaux, Dec 31, 2016.

  1. alainbeaux

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    Hi Guys. Ok, so I'm struggling to work up the courage to come out to my uncle this week when my family visits him. I feel bad because if I do it will mean the first person I came out to wasn't my parents. I can't say I'm extremely close with my uncle, and it's actually because of this I feel the most comfortable telling him first (he and all his friends are also super liberal). I feel like I should be able to tell my parents everything, but because of their consistent derogatory remarks on gays I don't feel comfortable telling them right now. They love me so much and I'm not afraid of being disowned or anything. I'm just afraid of them seeing me differently. They have a very stereotypical view of gay people. For example, my dad is a doctor and his first response on hearing George Michael died was that it was because he had AIDS. My mom also kind of made fun of me today because I admitted I liked a Madonna song, which she considers strictly gay music and not normal music (even though she knows my favorite band is Nirvana and I can't think of a band that would be considered more "not gay " than that).

    I'm just wondering, who did you come out to first and at what point did you feel comfortable telling your parents (and how did it go)? Really appreciate your stories and thoughts. I've never come out to anyone.
     
  2. BlueLion

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    Hello alain!

    I think the first person to come out should be somebody who makes you feel comfortable, someone you trust. In my opinion, it's OK if you don't come out to your parents first. I think the order doesn't matter. In fact, it may be easier to come out to other people before them.

    Personally, I came out to two friends and a cousin of mine before my parents. Then I decided to write a letter to them where I told them about my orientation. Everybody was accepting, in my case.

    I was nervous at the beginning but then I was glad I did it.

    Whatever you decide to do, I hope everything goes well. :slight_smile:
     
  3. TanMan

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    Hi Alain, I can kind of relate to you on the parents thing. Aside from that, I decided to tell my older brother first, because deep down I really trusted him. My family is more conservative and they make gay jokes all the time. I've heard it numerous times from my brother that if his children were gay, he'd kick them out. However, one of his close friends came out to him, and it kind of changed his views. My brother always knew, or basically had feelings, that I myself was gay because when I was trying to tell him, I kind of struggled with the words. He basically said, "go ahead and say it. I think I already know what you're going to say."

    Back to the parents. It isn't easy telling them, and it's probably one of the hardest things you'll ever decide to do. I told mine a little over a month ago, and they weren't very happy. They love me and all, but don't approve of my "lifestyle" because they think it's a sin because "the Bible and god said so." My biggest fear was being kicked out and disowned, but that's far from what happened. They said the love for me will always be the same. But then they asked me to go to a Christian counselor of their choosing. That's freaking me out, but they still live me and that's all I care about. I'm hoping one day they will come around to it.

    But back to your question, I told my parents about 4 months after I told my brother, and he has been one of the biggest supporters right now. He even said that if my parents kick me out, I could live with him while I get on my feet.

    Go with your gut feeling. Like I said, it isn't easy. I still say to myself that I feel like a disappointment because I'm not straight, and that I'm letting my parents down... but know that deep down you aren't.

    Hope this helps a bit. And please, don't tell your parents if you think it will cause harm to yourself/surrounding.

    Best of luck Alain :slight_smile:
     
  4. Quantumreality

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    Hey Alain,

    I’ll echo what BlueLion and TanMan have said.

    What you are going through is completely normal. You should only Come Out if/when you are comfortable doing so and it is safe to do so. It sounds like you don’t have any safety concerns and the way you describe your Uncle, it seems that he could be very accepting and supportive if you decide to Come Out to him. One thing, to consider, though, is getting his promise in advance to respect your privacy and agree not to tell anyone else PRIOR to actually Coming Out to him. It is important that you feel that you can trust him with your personal and private information.

    Most of us choose to Come Out first to close friends whom we feel will be accepting. This can give us courage to later Come Out to people closer to us and can form a support group for us. The hardest people to Come Out to are usually our best friend(s) and family members. That is because we so greatly value their support/friendship/love that we have the most to lose if they were to reject us in any way. Even if we are 99% sure that they will accept us, that 1% possibility of rejection can be a devastating prospect to consider.

    In terms of your parents’ homophobic comments/attitudes, in most cases (although certainly not all), homophobia comes from ignorance and once a homophobic person discovers that a loved one is homosexual, those homophobic tendencies are often overwhelmed by their unconditional love for the loved one. I certainly hope that is true in your case.

    In my case, I first Came Out to my best friend because I was actually more certain that he would be accepting than my confidence in the reactions of some of my other friends. Even though it was one of the hardest things I ever did, I finally was able to tell him and he was totally cool with it and completely supportive.

    Each of us is a unique individual, however, and you have to do what feels comfortable to you.

    I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.:slight_smile:
     
  5. LovelyLex

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    The parent thing is understandable. I didn't come out to my parents first and still haven't because I knew it would be harder. You shouldn't feel any guilt about coming out to someone else first. Coming out is stressful. So there's nothing wrong with wanting to come out to someone you know will be accepting. For example, I came out to my best friend who's gay
     
  6. Totesgaybrah

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    I understand what you are going through, coming out was the hardest thing I've ever done. Coming out has shown me a few things, I found out who my true friends are and I found out that my parents love me no matter what.

    The first person I told was my younger brother who I live with, he was shocked but accepted it right away and he really has been my biggest supporter. That was in January 2016 so its been almost a year since I told the first person.

    I came out to my parents in an email exactly two months ago, they were very shocked and had no idea I'm not straight, but they were accepting and supportive right away. Something to note is that while they were never pro lgbt they are not religious so I think it was easier for them than some religious parents.

    Like you I never thought they would disown me or something terrible, I just didn't want them to think differently of me. I fully understand how you feel about that. I can't say it will work out the same for you but in my experience coming out was a good thing for me. My parents treat me the same as before and I really don't think it has changed much within our family unit.
    Coming out is your choice and it is extremely hard to do but overall worth it IMO. If it is something you think about a lot of the time then I say rip that band aid off.

    Good luck hope this helps.
     
  7. Nanodae

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    Hi Alain,

    I agree with a lot of what the other posters are saying, in that the first person should be whoever you feel most comfortable with. I think a lot of people refrain from telling parents first and that is okay. It can be whoever you want it to be.

    I came out to close friends and work colleagues first. It was a relief to finally know myself that I am gay and be able to set things straight with others (excuse the pun). It has shown me how supportive people can be, most of them supported me apart from a close friend who now does not want to even look my way. It's important to know that if someone does react in a such a way, they were not your true friend to begin with. True friends would accept you as you are.

    Coming out can really help you feel even more comfortable with yourself, at times I was not at ease with who I was but the fact others were really helped me to grow as a person.

    Unfortunately I cannot tell my parents yet, I am living with them whilst studying at university and they are helping to support me. Telling them now just would be the wrong time and I highly suspect they would not take it well. I shall give it time :slight_smile:

    I wish you all the luck with what you decide, take your time. ^^
     
  8. I'm gay

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    I think most of us don't come out to those closest to us first. Simply, we have the most to lose with those closest to us. Many of us tell a good friend, but not necessarily your best friend. Again, you have more to lose with a best friend than a casual friend. Your uncle is a good choice, as long as you think your uncle will be accepting.

    Good luck! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride: