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My coming out to my Husband....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bunnydee, Jan 5, 2017.

  1. bunnydee

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    I came out to my husband this morning.
    A little background: Straight married for 14 years. I have been back and forth for a while now and finally after 45 years, I accepted myself as a lesbian within the past few weeks.

    During the marriage while in denial I sought marriage counseling online six months ago because of my husband's continued lack of affection-my perception of love, and lack of sex drive. I was ready to divorce just for these reasons. After my counseling, husband refused counseling, we talked and things got a little better for awhile - little meaning he would hold my hand occasionally. The only time he wanted sex as it seemed to me was once a month.

    Once I accepted being a lesbian, I thought I would continue to stay married for the sake of our daughter until she was grown. During conversations here it was brought to my attention that I was now lying to my spouse and keeping him from finding true love. While I was contemplating this, someone else on here jokingly mentioned my husband may be gay. I thought about our marriage, and it seemed to make sense. My efforts from just accepting myself and coming out changed to trying to help him 'come out'. I was, to say the least, actually happy about the idea and felt closer to him than ever, believing he may have been going through the same turmoil I had all these years. My intent was heartfelt hoping that I could provide him some kind of comfort that he would not have to continue suffering as I had alone. Yes, as embarrassing as this is for me to say, I went as far as purchasing male boxer shorts harness with dildo to present semi-realistically as male for him. As I have said in other posts, there is basically nothing I would not do for someone I love. And I do love him. I also was becoming more anxious and eager about my coming out.

    All of these thoughts compounded and so led to me coming out to him this morning. With all of the above whirling in my head, I started the conversation asking if he was gay and informing him I was a lesbian. When discussing his sexuality, at first he looked at me like I was crazy but quickly turned to anger, then calm, then anger, then calm. In hindsight it was probably not a good idea to have these two conversations together.

    His stance on his being closet gay was absolute no. He explained when his parents divorced when he was young and even before, he never witnessed any affection- no kissing, no hand holding, nothing- between his father and mother. He just grew up believing that was how men were supposed to behave. In anger he questioned why I thought he could be gay. I remained calm and we continued discussing our history together, the counseling six months ago, and I discussed again my experience of males always being dominant and having an extremely high sex drive, of having witnessed my father rape my mom often, explained that I had never met a man so passive. Tried to joke that there's a saying All the Good Men are Gay. That didn't go over well at all. It turned to him accusing me of just using him as a cover story all these years, and that I didn't really think he was gay that I had made the purchases for my gf. This comment hurt me more than his anger or anything else because as extreme and ridiculous my idea of purchase was, it was with love that I did so for him. I informed him he knows me well enough that I would never cheat on him nor would I lie to him ever. That seemed to calm him down because our relationship is based on trust. We both know the other will never do either, as we both have felt the pain from other's cheating and lying.

    I told him he could ask me anything and I would always be honest. He asked a few questions which I answered. I explained how I myself had been in denial and had been slowing facing it throughout my life, that I had jus recently accepted myself as a lesbian. I opened up with him as I have on here and told him everything, leaving nothing out. He went back to it all being a cover story. I said I agreed with him but only if I had not told him the truth, which is why after thinking about everything I had to open up to him so we wouldn't be living a lie.

    We discussed what to do next. He doesn't want a divorce, nor does he want me to move out. That's all he would say. He was done talking about all of it. Afterwards we went to the grocery store as if nothing had happened, and has been that way all day. So what's next?
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey bunnydee,

    That was an extremely brave and bold step.

    Given how he reacted and what you say about the trust and honesty between the two of you, I would submit that he honestly believes what he said and that he thinks that your current relationship is how a relationship is 'supposed' to work between a husband and wife. From my point of view, for what it's worth, nothing indicates that he might actually be a suppressed Gay man at this point. The fact that he doesn't want the marriage to end indicates, to me, even more that he said what he meant and he meant what he said. He just doesn't understand how true long-term relationships are supposed to work. If you were straight and willing to work with it, I would say that counseling could do wonders for the continuation of your marriage and make it a much more satisfying one.

    However, knowing what you have confided to us here on EC, I'd have to say that you have a serious decision to make in the very near future. Do you wish to continue the marriage for certain amount of time for the sake of your daughter? Or do you want to move on with your romantic life? That seems to be the decision at hand, doesn't it? Clearly your husband is ready to maintain the marriage at this point. I kind of think he's in shock and denial (not unexpectedly).

    Just some thoughts.
     
    #2 Quantumreality, Jan 5, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2017
  3. I'm gay

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    Wow Bunnydee!

    I wish I had known that you were thinking your husband might be gay and were going to attempt to "rescue" him from himself. I would have cautioned you against that idea. Confronting someone about their sexuality when they are not ready to admit it just doesn't work. It serves only to drive them further in the closet. That's assuming, of course, that he is a closeted gay man. He may or may not be, but that's really a separate issue from you and your sexuality.

    You asked, "what's next?"

    Time.

    He needs time. I know he went on with his day, such as shopping, like you hadn't just dropped a bomb on him. I know. That's exactly what my wife did. It will take him some time to process this before he is ready to really talk about this with you.

    My wife went through many stages of looking at our marriage. She initially said we should stay together and stay married. Over time, three months in fact, that changed as she began to process this. Eventually we agreed that our marriage had to end and that we needed to separate. At 5 months we did separate.

    This is going to take time, so you should allow this to ebb and flow for a while and not commit to a course of action too soon.

    Just remember that you've had years to get used to the idea that you are not straight. He's had hours. Give him time and patience.

    Keep us updated on how it's going, ok?

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  4. WarmEmbrace

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    (*hug*)
    You are very brave to do this. Maybe he now needs some time to process it all, after all this is world changing news to him. You are giving him ample time to adjust though, and you are still by his side when he does it and there's no immediate pressure which is again good.

    Couple therapy might be a wise next step for the both of you. It might bring more clarity on what you feel for each other and how you deal with this news. Both right now and going forward. Maybe he will more permeable to say yes this time unlike 6 months ago, realising that these are all serious matters, and ignoring them won't make them go away, there are matters that you both have to work through.

    I was a bit surprised about the toys. That might have have made him angry because for someone who is a hetero male, I would imagine he was already feeling an attack on his pride, on his feeling enough for you, on his feeling of being "the man" by you coming out as a lesbian. Immediately suggesting also that he would be gay and would also like to be penetrated might have further exacerbated his perception that he is under attack. Explaining your reasoning was the right thing to do.

    Stay strong. Keep communicating with your husband whenever you notice that he might want to talk.
    (&&&)
     
  5. bunnydee

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    Thanks everyone.
    I wasn't as blunt as it seems as I was reading now what I wrote. I didn't just come out and ask hey are you gay. It did start out as just talking about how we were together, but I did get to that point rather quick. He was more shocked by the question itself than how I framed it. I admit I am a very straight forward person and he knows that about me.

    Yes, after hearing him explain how his parents were and knowing him, I do not believe he is gay. I may have been clinging to the thought of it because then I would have a friend by my side sharing the same frustration. I don't have any of them.

    As for counseling, that is something he will never do. I have tried throughout the marriage to get him to go. I will just give him time to take it all in, and take it day by day for now.
     
  6. Quantumreality

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    Hey bunnydee,

    I just want to say that I don't think you did anything wrong in Coming Out to him this way - other than asking him directly if he was Gay.

    But you took a MAJOR step forward in your life today. That has to be a big relief for you. Whatever you do from here on out, we are here to support you.

    For reference from my perspective, I accepted my bisexuality when I was 25 years old - right around the same time that I went on Active Duty in the US military. I CHOSE to go into the closet at that point in order to pursue my desired military career. But I was willing to leave the military any time that my career and my personal life collided. I think you are facing a similar conundrum in that you want what is best for your daughter (a stable two-parent family life) while balancing that against your own person needs and desires for a happy romantic relationship. I certainly don't envy you for having to make such a choice, but I can empathize with it.

    All my best to you!:slight_smile:
     
  7. WarmEmbrace

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    Did he ever say why he does not want to go? Maybe he has a similar block about counselling? Maybe his parents went to counselling just before breaking up and it has this bad connotation for him? Maybe it blames counselling for things going bad, who knows ?

    If he understands that the counsellor simply advises you and helps you understand and clarify matters, and that going there does not mean in any way he is weak, or any less of a man maybe he would be more open to it?

    Much love.
    (&&&)
     
  8. LovelyLex

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    Wow. That was really brave. Something like that takes a lot of courage.
     
  9. bunnydee

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    We have over the years talked about it often, his sole response is 'He doesn't need it'. No, his parents never went through counseling. As he says it, his dad came home one day when he was 8 or 9 and left to be with another woman who he later married. My husband refused to live with (his siblings went to live with dad) or even visit his dad for years. When we got together they still had no real relationship. Over time I was able to convince him he needed to let it go and start building a relationship with his dad. Now he tries to see his dad at least 1-2x a month.

    Another thing - He professed to me when we were dating that he wanted to get baptized. For years this seemed important to him. But then when the actual event became an option at the church we started going to, he would always cancel his appts. to talk with the pastor which was a requirement before getting baptized. I know there is some issue he has been hiding all these years, I just don't know what it is.

    Thank you, but it came from my own need to stop living wishy-washy...lol. Once I feel I have examined all I can, I have to make a decision and go with it. I can't stand living with myself otherwise. It's just too .... frustrating.

    ---------- Post added 6th Jan 2017 at 11:35 AM ----------

    Today has been rather weird -
    My husband has seemed to avoid eye contact somewhat, but is being more open. Example: Biggest issue we have always had is closeness. My 'love language' is affection. I need to be sat next to, to hold hands, all the lovey-dovey stuff outside the bedroom that for me lets you know they care, they want you in their life. We have NEVER had that. He is sitting next to me. He is telling stories about things like how his grandmom used to make homemade jams. He is telling them to our daughter and not looking at me, but still.. he has never openly shared things like this before.

    What's going on?
     
  10. I'm gay

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    This sounds like an attempt by him to "fix" what's wrong in your marriage. He may be thinking that you will change your mind if he becomes more attentive to you. It's a normal reaction and part of denial and bargaining behavior.

    Stay strong. You will get through this.
     
  11. bunnydee

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    Well, I am keeping the ball rolling and came out to my older son tonite. He is fully accepting, but in shock. How can you be gay, you are married to a man and were married to my dad??

    We talked for some time and I let him read all my posts here. In the middle of talking, he stopped and hugged me and said no matter what he loves me. I cried a lot. He agrees though that I should not tell my parents or brother because of how they are.

    We even talked about getting an apartment together. He is undecided on that but I told him it would be totally different than him living here. We could actually have a drink, it would be encouraged....lol. My husband does not drink and doesn't allow me to drink because he doesn't want our daughter around alcohol.

    Anyways, it well and I told him not to tell anyone. Although he is a talkative type, so I am holding breath on that one. I just don't want it to get back to my parents. He asked me some hard questions about if my husband started acting the way I want him to, would I stay. I told him I didn't think so. We debated it back and forth and he said "mom, you have to do what makes you happy and stop worrying about everyone else. I would rather live happy with myself."

    We also talked about fear about never finding anyone to love or love me. His response was "Mom I know you, you won't be alone." Great guy, my son.
     
  12. I'm gay

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    That's a wonderful reaction. Congratulations!

    Try to remember this wonderful feeling of your son's acceptance and the joy of the liberation you are feeling. As this journey is a roller coaster with all its ups and downs, this up with your son helps with the downs to come.

    You're doing great, Bunnydee.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  13. Quantumreality

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    Congratulations, bunnydee!:slight_smile: That must have been an awkward conversation for both of you. But I'm very glad that he was ultimately so accepting!:slight_smile:
     
  14. bunnydee

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    Update:
    For a day or so, my husband was avoiding me. Then yesterday he says he wants to talk.
    He doesn't want a divorce or me to leave. He says he wants this marriage to work and will go to counseling. I was flabbergasted.

    I've made all these plans in my head about moving out, where to move to, where our daughter would go to school. Beginning to look at life as a positive new beginning. And now I have to wrap my head around this. So I've set up an individual counseling session for myself.
     
  15. Creativemind

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    Are you happy in your marriage or would you rather start a new life and start seeing girls? If you're gay I don't know if counseling will help.

    Your husband might be in denial over the whole thing. It is very normal for partners to act like this during the coming out stage.
     
  16. I'm gay

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    I agree with Creativemind. Our spouses go through this process of coming to terms with your sexuality. Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Grief - Acceptance. Telling you he doesn't want a divorce and wants to do counseling is a bargaining step. "If we can just stay together and see a therapist, we can change her mind." is the thinking here.

    Seeing a therapist isn't a bad idea. He/She can help you navigate this process with your husband. However, you will need to decide for yourself if you want to stay in your marriage, and if so, what does that look like?

    I see basically three potential options here:

    1. Stay married - and stay monogamous to him.
    2. Stay married - and have an open marriage that lets you explore your homosexuality.
    3. Divorce

    Once you know what you want, it will help you to move forward. This isn't to say that you necessarily get to have what you want, but it helps to clarify your thinking.

    Thanks for updating us, Bunnydee. This is just another loop in the roller coaster.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  17. bunnydee

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    I agree I'm Gay.

    The counseling is for myself to help me deal with transitioning out of the marriage. I have been a people-pleaser for so long. It seems to go against my nature to leave when he wants me to stay. so I am hoping counseling will help me deal with that part. It is easier or seems to be, to stay where you are and not take that step out the door. No, I don't want to stay and no I wouldn't be comfortable in an open marriage.

    ---------- Post added 11th Jan 2017 at 05:05 PM ----------

    btw.. it is LGBT counselor
     
  18. bunnydee

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    Had my first counseling session. The counselor was great! She's helping me get a plan together and take it one step at a time. I really needed this -just to many thoughts and things to deal with all in my head, I couldn't think straight.

    1st step is placing boundaries on my mom's interaction in my life, including interaction with my daughter. As an outsider she can see more how my mom is affecting things especially with my daughter than I could. I thought I had that at least under control. But NOT...

    She wants me to start journaling again and do positive affirmations when I start to doubt 'is this right' as to being lesbian. I go back in 2 weeks. Plan is to get myself and my life in order before deciding on anything else. Hopefully I will be straightened out by May so I can move out and start my life. A lot to do until then though.
     
  19. PerfectlyMe

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    Hi bunnydee!

    I just wanted to tell you that your story is very inspiring to me, as I will eventually have to have this conversation with my husband of 15 years, Im just not ready yet. I am very happy for you that you are getting the support you need and I wish you all the best going forward!
     
  20. bunnydee

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    Thanks PerfectlyMe. I fully understand not being ready. Thanks to how I was raised and the conversion therapy I went through younger, I have never lived my life or even on my own; never held a job very long either. I am well educated and it will be easy to get a job, but I have never faced being self-supporting. I discussed that with my counselor. She said I purposely was self-sabotaging jobs so I could stay in denial. Totally true - everytime I would start working and earning my own money, I would start thinking Hey, I can do this, I can be on my own, and so not to much later I would end up quitting trying to make sure I didn't get to confident to just leave everything behind and be me.

    That's why I am in counseling now. I need help getting and keeping the self-confidence to go forward that it is okay to be a lesbian. It is okay to be me. I didn't realize how much my mom had effected me in every aspect of my life. I am 45 and still under mom's thumb. When the counselor asked me what I was waiting for - why so long to come out - my response was "for my mom to die". I was shocked. I had never faced that thought before - not that I wanted her to die, just that to live my life I felt I had to wait until she did.