I'm gay...now what

It takes time-you don't have to rush! The good news is that you've gotten over
the biggest hurdle, coming out to yourself! Give yourself a pat on the back (*hug*)

 

Dont worry im 26 and I only just worked out I was gay, its never too late. Im still working towards telling my parents and my friends, but im sure the people that matter will understand.
Dont be too hard on yourself, and welcome to EC.

 

Donatello: So what happens now, sensei?
Master Splinter: Nothing, my son. Just the rest of our lives.

So let's get you started on the rest of your life.

First off, how do YOU feel about being gay? Are you cool with it? Not so much the "what will my friends/family think" aspect, but the entire "I like guys" thing. If you're not cool with that yet, then that's your first step. It sounds like may be already past that, though, so I won't go into that unless you need me to.

So how do you come out? Anyway you want. Coming out isn't an action or a statement so much as something to just get beyond. You're gay, and you want people to know that so they won't be freaked out if they see you with a boyfriend, or so you won't have to play pronoun games with them ("I'm dating somebody..."). So tell them any way you want. If you haven't dated women any time recently (as in "the last decade"), then it may not be as huge a shock as all that. In which case, you might try going this route - assume they already know. Then you can say things like "I want to start dating, but I'm having trouble finding the right guy" or "I met a cool guy last night". If they act surprised, you can just act surprised back and say "I thought you knew."

But if you think you'd rather tell them, then do it. In person is best, but if you'd rather do it on the phone, or via IM, that's fine. I suggest not doing it by text - "OMG IM GAY OK BYE" just doesn't sit well in my book.

Let us know how to help you take your next steps.

Lex

 

dont worry just relax and come to terms with yourself and when your ready youll tell them with help and support here

 

Well im not going to give you advice on how to come out cause im still stuck on that particular step but i will tell you that we will be here to support you and back you up no matter what you choose.

 

I've found that friends (and even casual acquaintances) tended to take a cue from me. If I approached the whole thing in a "Oh my God, I have something HUGE to tell you, and it's tearing me apart, and I don't know if I can tell you..." sort of way, well, they'd respond in kind. But if I treated it like it was no great shakes, they responded the same way.

If I was to go to each of your friends in turn and ask "what do you like about mal?", I'd probably get responses like "he's fun to be with", or "we like to do the same kind of things" or "he's a good a listener". Not a single one will say "I like mal because he's straight." If they like you straight (or undecided), they almost certainly will like you gay.

Lex

 

First of all Welcome to EC! :smilewave

Secondly you took a huge step accepting that you are gay. Don't worry about what age you are. I'm 40 and came to terms that I am gay about a year ago. Now that I have I feel happier. Everyone has given you some great advice. Remember that coming out is not a race. Come out to people that your are most comfortable with. Also if you find that you are ready to come out but can not verbalize it, write a letter. I used a letter a few times. It helped me organize my thoughts. One thing I also did was joined a PFLAG group in my area. It helped me talk a lot of my concerns with coming out to friends and families. Also if you have any other questions hang out here for a bit.

 

Goodluck, on your journey, as you said on my thread we seem to be in similar situations, from listening to what everyone suggests you just have to be patient with yourself, you have taken this long to accept yourself so don't rush now and make mistakes.... I hear it and it is great advice, but yes it does seem hard. I have visited my sister 3 times to tell her, each time I haven't and we just talk about our childhoods. Starting to realise I don't have to rush and tell the world - I'm still the same person I always was - I've just accepted who I find attractive if life and not everybody needs to know that.

 

I was in the same boat as you - I managed to eventually tell one or two people, and then a few more, and am now up to like twelve.

I think it's a process.

My advice - one person at a time, and on a case-by-case basis. And don't change your facebook status. ;-)

 

Malachite -

Well, I'll join in with the chorus of welcome - Lex (and the others) has already said some good stuff (including the "in the last decade" bit, which is certainly where I am now - many of my current friends have never known me to date anyone, female or male - so it will probably be less of a surprise to them than I expect)

You'll find there's quite a few of us here who either didn't realise, or denied and suppressed who we really are for years/decades (in my case, I only started the process of accepting who I really am about 9 months ago - and I'm 35!) - feel free to ask questions both in threads and on walls - I'll just say these few things

* There's so such thing as a daft question - we all had to start somewhere, so don't feel embarassed, or that you're asking something that you "should know"
* We're a friendly bunch on the whole, and we don't bite. (Unless you ask nicely :icon_bigg)

Do you have any friends who are gay who you could "come out" to first?

(Lex - I so often seem to find myself simply saying "listen to lex" - and I don't take the opportunity to thank you for the time you spend on here helping all of us!)

 

Hey guys,

I'm not sure how I feel about being gay. I know that I am, but I just don't believe it. It's like I have to keep telling myself that I am in hopes that I will have an epiphany or something and everything will be good.

I have geared my whole self-concept towards convincing myself and others that I am straight. Who I used to be was based on avoiding the truth. I just wouldn't recognize that side of me. So I guess I'm having trouble getting past that. It's like I have to re-define myself. And I don't really know where to start. It kinda feels like I need to "prove" to myself that I'm gay so I can believe it and move forward. Or else I fear I will just sink back into trying to forget about it.

Any suggestions?

I dunno. This is all so new to me. I basically just accepted I was gay like 2 days ago. Maybe I just need to let the information sink in so I can figure out what being gay means.

Thanks

 

now you become yourself and be proud of that person. i'm in a similar boat, couple years behind you, but be proud of who you are -- no labels attached -- and you'll experience a lightness like you never knew was possible. welcome man!

 

Hey there. Say hello to anotherh guy who didn't figure it out until he was in his mid 30s! :smilewave

It's never too late. And yes - you SHOULD feel good about yourself now that you can look at guys without freaking on yourself. It feels really great!

Your friends are not going to disown you. They'll understand that this took a long time for you to figure out, and they know this is an issue for most gay people today. At least today we do eventually come out - as opposed to a few decades ago when many people didn't. Hopefully that trend will continue, and it will be a total 'non-event' when someone figures out they are gay... fingers crossed.

So just hang out here. We're all 'normal' people. You'll find some people here fit what you thought a 'gay guy' was supposed to be like. And others won't. That's the beauty of this site. So welcome! I hope you get as much out of it as I have.

 

It IS exciting, isn't it? The excitement will eventually swallow up the fear...

Lex