Hello all, I wrote a coming out letter not long ago, and while I am yet to show it someone I decided to turn it into a template to help anyone wishing to come out as transgender using a letter. I understand that most people trying to come out are under a lot of stress, so there isn't a lot to fill in. I apologise for the length xD Feel free to add ideas below. Template: Hello, I am writing this to tell you that I am transgender. Please hold your questions to the end as I may cover them in this letter. I am a [insert gender] , so please refer to me with [insert your pronouns] pronouns rather than [old pronouns] and call me [insert your name], rather than [insert deadname]. I understand that this may be a lot to take in, so below I have provided a list of FAQs and answers so that you can "get" it. What do I do now? Do: Respect me, Call me [insert name], Use [insert your pronouns] pronouns, Support me, Research and understand the lgbt+ community. Do not: Make fun of me, Ignore the fact that I've come out, Out me to people without asking, Use [Insert your old pronouns] pronouns, Call me [Insert deadname], Force me to wear "[masculine/feminine]" clothes, Try to make me into a "[Insert gender assigned at birth]", Take me away from my friends. How is this possible? Well, when a mummy and daddy love each other very much... In the womb, the mother releases testosterone, the amount of which determines the gender of the foetus. When I was in the womb, you released a larger amount of testosterone, therefore my gender is on the male side of the spectrum. This is not bad, it is "your fault", but it isn't something to be ashamed of. Gender is different from sex, which is determined by the x or y chromosome given to me. When I was made, I was given an [X/Y] chromosome, and therefore my body has [Male/Female] sex organs. My gender is not a genetic mutation, such as XXY/XYY etc. That determines sex, and babies born with these chromosomes are intersex, meaning that they may have sex organs from both sexes. This is usually corrected close to birth, in case you were wondering. I took this from an article, which uses scientific evidence and discoveries about development to explain the concept above in more detail: "Gender identity was once thought of as being entirely a social construct, with most of our gender formation occurring between the ages of 1-4. (Bao, Gooren 2006) In the 21st century, the general thought is that gender identity is programmed at birth, although social factors can potentially overwhelm this programming. One tragic example is the “John-Joan-John” case, where a boy who lost his penis at 8 months was surgically turned into a girl, including the administration of estrogens and receiving psychological counseling. Although raised a girl all her life, she had the unshakeable feeling that she was in fact a boy. She transitioned back to male at age 14, and attempted to live as a male, but eventually, due to financial instability and a failing marriage, committed suicide. (Bao) It’s common to hear the phrase “all babies start out female, and it’s only later that they become male,” and this is at least partially true. In fact, the influence of testosterone on a fetus has been described as a defeminization process, changing a fetus which was essentially predestined to be female into male. (Gooren, 2006) Testosterone production and the conversion of some testosterone to dihydrotestosterone between weeks 6 and 12 of pregnancy is critical for the initial development of male features, such as the penis, prostate gland, and scrotum. (Bao) In the absence of these male hormones, female genitalia develop instead. Brain development, however, does not occur in earnest until the second half of the pregnancy term, after the genitals have been developed, and the continued presence of male hormones results in a brain which has subtle, but critical physical differences from the female brain. (Bao) The fact that the brain and the genitals develop at different times in the womb mean that a misalignment between the genitals and brain may develop, leading to either an intersex condition, or a transgender individual." So, yes, it's most definitely possible. Where has this come from? [Insert things that you have done in order to quietly transition and signs that you may have shown] How did I not notice the signs? I wasn't out to you before, so you wouldn't have been purposely looking out for the signs and I wouldn't expect you to have noticed. You're not a bad parent, it's just that in society there isn't a lot of transgender representation, so you wouldn't have thought about it properly. Will my child be bullied? There will always be bigots, no matter how old or young or where you are. As long as you support me, I will be able to ignore the hate and the transphobes. Sometimes it will hurt, but it would hurt more if you refused to accept me. Haven't you always liked being called [Insert deadname]? That was before I was out to you, and before I knew myself. I like the name, but it's for me. I understand what meaning [deadname] holds, but [insert your name] means that I can be who I am. If you have name suggestions, or would like to discuss a different name I'd be willing to listen- though I do prefer the name [Insert your deadname] to any others that I've looked at. Why have you denied being transgender in the past ? (If you have) At those times I wasn't ready to tell you. You asked as if hoping I'd say no, and that really unsettled me. I didn't know if you'd accept me, if you'd laugh at me or say mean things. I still don't know whether you will, but I can only hope that giving you this information will help you through the process of learning to understand and accept my gender. Is it a phase? There's a very slim chance that this is a phase, but judging by the length of time I have questioned and known my gender (since [insert approximate month and year]). Please don't try and ask when it will be over and when I will "be a [insert gender assigned at birth] again" because i don't believe I ever will identify as a that again. Am I losing my [son/daughter]? Well, in a sense, yes, but you are gaining a [son/daughter]. I'm the same person as I was before I came out, just with a new name and new pronouns. Did I fail at raising a [son/daughter]? You didn't raise a [son/daughter] in the first place, I am your [son/daughter] and you have not failed me or yourself. If you choose to disrespect or ignore my gender, then you will fail both me and yourself. What will change? Honestly, for now not much will change. What will change immediately (hopefully): The name you call me, The pronouns you use to refer to me, What section I buy my clothes, My name in your contacts. What won't change: My personality, Who I am, How much I love you, How much you love me (I hope). In the future I hope to transition with [Insert transition methods/surgeries] and I truly hope that you will continue to support me and learn to fully accept who I am. Below I have added a list of myths vs truths about transgender people: Myths vs Truths Myth: Transgender people live overdramatic and crazy lives. Truth: Many people incorrectly associate being transgender with automatically living an “crazy lifestyle” based on tv and in the movies. This may involve drag performance, hyper-masculine or hyper-feminine behavior, drugs, or prostitution. In truth, however, transgender people are just like you- only they're gender does not align with their sex. They are people. They do people things like everyone else Myth: Trans people are just confused. Truth: Just because someone is different it doesn't mean that they're confused. Trans people, like myself, know their sex and their gender. I know that my sex is female, and that my gender is male. This can be confusing to those who inhabit more traditional gender roles, but to the transgender person, it is not confusing. It is just who they are. Myth: All transgenders suffer from mental illness. Truth: While it is true that many transgender people suffer from medically diagnosed mental illnesses due to the way they're treated and the difficulties they face, but not all do. In fact, many don't. We have the same brains as you, but often encounter more stress due to the reasons mentioned above. Myth: Transgender people hate their bodies Truth: Not all transgender people hate their bodies, although many do hate the fact that their sex doesn't align with their gender. Hating your body because of this is called dysphoria, and I myself get dysphoria at times. Myth: Transgender people aren't "real" men or women. Truth: This is probably one of the most hurtful myths as it completely disregards the meaning of transgender. It tells us that transgender people are somehow less human than cisgender people because of their gender identification. Myth: Transgender people are weird. Truth: When someone is unlike anything we have seen or known, we think, that’s weird. It’s okay to have that thought. It’s human nature. But it’s important to understand that your perception of what’s “weird” is based on your experiences and your culture. Many cultures think that living outside the gender binary (two-gender system) is perfectly normal. Transgender people are integrated into mainstream society and may even be held in high esteem. Why do these myths exist? These myths all have one thing in common: they justify the subjugation of transgender people. If people can justify it, then they feel they have the right to treat us as less than humans.
