Coming out in a Christian environment?

elliephant,

I'm soooooooooooo glad you came here! Not everyone on EC is a believer (I am a very progressive Christian) but we all love you unconditionally.

I'm going to give you all kinds of advice here. Of course, this is for you to decide for yourself, but I want you to please strongly consider what I'm saying.

1. Do not come out to your family until you are absolutely sure of who you are. If you think you "might" be bisexual or aren't really sure, telling an unsupportive father will guarantee that he puts pressure on you to be the way he wants you to be. I was outed to my family accidentally when I was 12, and the rest of my home life was miserable after that. That was a long, long time ago (I'm 44, this was in '84) but I never want anyone else to go through that kind of hostility, physical violence, and emotional abuse. Please, do not come out until you are absolutely sure and ready.

2. Sort out your sexuality, discover it. You may need to think about this several ways. Who do you have crushes on? Who do you have sexual thoughts about? Have you touched anyone or experienced your sexuality? It's totally cool being a virgin, and that's fine. You may need time to be ready for sex, but in my opinion when the time is right sex will help you know for sure.

3. Be at peace with who you are before you come out. Do you feel condemned by God? Do you feel it's okay with God to be bi or lesbian? Are you struggling with feelings of guilt, shame, or unworthiness? Pray, seek God's guidance and wisdom, and listen to your heart.

There are many people who try to take the Bible literally, and they will use the Old Testament to justify this. I think this is unfair in many ways, but primarily it takes these verses out of their original historical and cultural context. Reading these texts has one meaning in an ancient culture in another part of the world with its own customs and social norms, but plopping those same concepts - through heavily translated, edited, and re-composed texts - verbatim into the 21st Century just doesn't convey the same meaning. For more on this you might consider reading the short book "What the Bible REALLY Says About Homosexuality". Of course this is a huge topic and you can find many blogs, books and websites from reputable theologians and scholars. Research and be careful of what you choose to believe for yourself.

I've heard it joked that "Taking the Bible literally is like going to a restaurant and eating the menu instead of the food." It's funny, but think about it! How many people do you know who "think" they know what the Bible (the Old Testament in particular) means? Do you think any glib homophobe would research the topic of homosexuality as well as you? Get your own information and make your own conclusion after your own journey. No one has a right to tell you who God is - do the work to get to know God for yourself.

Then, there is the example of Christ himself. Christ, by definition, was different, suffered, was not mainstream, and was killed for his very act of challenging authority. He did not advocate violence, and he (I don't think) would ever advocate homophobia. I'll leave it for you to decide how you personally feel about how Christ felt about gays, and I suggest you research this. One parable about "the centurion guard" recounts how Christ may have responded (affirmatively) when asked to heal a man's gay lover. Google it, read it, think about it.

If you look through the Bible with more of a critical eye (looking for symbolism, considering historical and cultural context, and "reading between the lines") rather than taking it all literally, you will find many examples of tolerance and representation of sexual minorities that may have been "straightened up" through history and distilled differently by the politics of the 20th Century mainstream denominations.

4. Get all the support you can. Post here, come out to friends that you feel will be able to support you, and draw on people you trust for careful conversation and consideration of everything you're going through. This is a critical time for you so don't rush. Get all the support you need and hold your head high.

5. When you are ready to come out, plan ahead. Do you think your family might react badly enough that you would be thrown out of the house? Do you need to be concerned about being hit or physically threatened? Would your family cut off your finances, take away your car, bully you at church, remove you from school, limit your contact with certain friends, or do other things? For now your family has a lot of power over you. When you leave home it will be much different but for now you must consider what could happen if your family doesn't support you when you come out.

So those are my thoughts about your situation. Unfortunately it takes me back to my dad's well-meaning but powerful religious condemnation, his threat to disown me over his literal interpretation of the Old Testament, and the physical violence from my brother. It takes me back to the insults, the pressure, and the threats - from the people I should have been able to trust the most. My family is loving today and I have done fine in my life, but that will always be a sad time in my life.

Please, please be careful and know that we love you. I personally believe that God loves you just as you are, in every way, and that you cannot disqualify yourself from God's love. You are loved because you're you, not because you have to "earn" it. God is crazy about you!

Blessings,

Patrick

 

Patrick definitely covered it for the most part! I definitely would take his advice into consideration. I do agree with him when it comes to coming out. Be absolutely sure that you're gay or bi, whichever one it is, and be comfortable in it. Sure, there'll be some people that might not accept it, but that's their problem, not yours. I also want to add that you can search for LGBT friendly churches around your area that might be able to help with it. Invite your family to one of them and make them see the better part of the religion. I'm not religious myself, though I grew up in a catholic household and was constantly surrounded by catholicism. I definitely encourage you to research your religion. If it doesn't help, it might not be the religion that's the cause of homophobia, and only you might know better than anyone.

 

Thank you Bolt35.

I would also recommend finding your local chapter of PFLAG (Parents, Friends, and Families of Lesbians and Gays) - www.pflag.org. They're simply amazing and they can help support you as you go through this. They're also very good with helping find resources for questions of faith and sexuality.

 

(*hug*)

Patrick, the more I read your posts, the more I realize we had similar upbringings. (*hug*)

elliephant, I agree with Patrick here. You can also read my blog post on Christianity and LGBT here

keep posting...

 

Patrick7269 your advices are really good!
as for elliephant, i myself don't believe in God, but i really envy people who do, my girlfriend is a believer and i sometimes go to church with her. of course no one knows there that we are a couple, but in my opinion (ofc don't forget Patrick's advices) you should try after receiving all the support you can, try going to church maybe with no occasion with your supporting friend or friends? i've been told that helps or go alone. also i think there are priests who are tolerant or sisters. maybe these people would support you as well ^^ but anyway explore yourself, research as much as you can and live your life, believe, study, maybe do sports and etc ;s good luck, this forum is always here to listen and give advice ;s

 

Hey elliephant,

You've already gotten a ton of great advice. I'd just like to provide links to a couple of threads here on EC that might help you out:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/49316-my-advice-about-being-lgbt-christian-very-long.html

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/65350-bible-tells-me-being-gay-wrong-now-i-just-dont-know-what-do.html#post1101418

 

I am not Catholic so I'll defer.

 

I have and would do so again. I don't want to turn this into a religious thread, but if you can find a Unitarian church or a church who does accept LBGT, they can help you understand it better.

 

You're so welcome elliephant! And give yourself credit too; this is a lot to think about. Good for you to be willing to confront it.

Patrick

 

Well it seems everyone has already given you some advice. My little tidbit is this: It's possible that you're bisexual. The way I think of it is why should we limit who we love based on gender?
But as for the Christian family thing, if you figure out how to come out could you let me know what you did? I'm still trying to figure out how to come out to my southern Christian family about being bisexual and atheist. <3

 

Here in the city, anyone can receive the Eucharist, and it's entirely optional. Some people choose to skip the wine, and take the bread alone instead. Some people take both or none at all. I think it's a matter of personal preference. At least that's how it worked the last time I went to church. I'm not sure how it works in your church, I think you would have to go through the process of Communion and Confirmation in order to receive it in good faith. NO matrimony is required as far as I know.