Hello I just joined this place and I hope I'll enjoy it here. I've known that I was gay since I hit puberty, around 12. My whole family members are Muslims, I've been living in a Muslim community and environment for my entire life, just a few months ago I moved to Canada for university. I'm 18 now, I tried coming out to my father when I was 16, he absolutely rejected it and told me delete this idea out of my head and then had a 2 hour conversation with me after I told him about how it's "haram" and will lead me to hell, he told me that it's just thoughts and I led these thoughts to become bigger in my head. I just apologized to him and told him that I was mistaken, but I knew I wasn't. A year later, when I was 17, I decided to come out to my mom. The reason I didn't come out to both at the same time is because they're divorced and my siblings and I are living with my father in Saudi Arabia. I'm not Saudi Arabian, I was born in Canada but originally Syrian. My mom lived in Dubai. So to go back where I was, I told my mom when I was 17 and she responded in a way that was worse than my dad's. She told me that if these thoughts continue, she'll disown me and send me to a hospital to get my privates changed. As usual.. I just agreed and told her to forget it. At the age of 18(I'm 18 now) I moved to Canada for university, I've only been here for a few months now but I still can't accept myself. When I'm alone I tell myself that I'm gay, I've also used many gay dating apps but I've never had a boyfriend or had sex with a male or female, but when I'm around people or out with public I just laugh at myself from the inside of how I can say I'm gay, I just bash myself and say I can't be gay. I've read so many stuff on the internet for the past 4 years about gay people, coming out stories, tips, advices, and a lot more! So if you tell me not to care about what people think about me then please don't because I've already read that thousands of time, and I care about what people think of me. Also although my parents absolutely rejected me, I still love them to death. I talk to them on phone every single day. They love me a lot and I do more! I just can't imagine my life without them, so just coming out to them again would make me lose them and I can't afford that I want them in my life, I love my parents a lot.
Sounds like you have it rough! I can only imagine what a gay man of the muslim faith goes through. It's definitely hard to come out when your family is religious. Sometimes it doesn't always end up like people think when they do. In a situation like this, it's going to take a lot of convincing to keep your parents around. For now, I think it might be a bad idea to come out if they're providing for you in college. Maybe looking into the muslim religion, you can probably find a few passages about love and acceptance, and could help ease your parents a bit more. Since you talk to them every day, maybe reading a passage or two in a conversation might help them rethink their homophobic ways. Go with your gut instinct when it comes to your parents, but make sure you're stable and comfortable. It also sounds like you're going through the stages of loss and in denial. A lot of it has to do with the state of mind and the environment. When people first coming to terms with their homosexuality, it's often common that they grew up with the idea that being a homosexual is forbidden and sinful. It's also at that moment, is when we all have to wash down that picture of utopia, and look at the face of the new reality. It's hard to accept. It's not easy. Gay men do have a different standard of living, it doesn't mean we have to live by them. Really, we're all our own person. A lot of people have different ways of accepting that they're gay, whether it's by constantly telling themselves, or going through therapy. People who's given advice not to care about what other people think, may have gotten through it that way, it doesn't mean it will work for others. For you, you do care about what people think, and your process is different. Ask yourself on how you can present yourself better. Look into homosexuality more and understand that it's perfectly normal and it's just a part of who we are. It's important to take one step at a time if you really want to keep the people you love around in your life. You already seen the glimpse of their reaction, and it's not exactly the most acceptable answer. Given time, they'll learn how to accept it, it's your life after all.
I am not here to give you any advice, I just wanted to say that I know how you feel. I, too, am from a Muslim family. I have never talked with my family about my sexuality. I have learned to accept my sexuality and also learned that my family won't accept it so I have kept my sexuality a secret. As you know Homosexuality is not tolerated in Islam at all. So if I ever tell my parents they would either disown me or make me go thriugh sex change or make me go to a therapist. So far for me being in a closet aming my family is the only choice, till I am emotionally and economically stable.
from my perspective i can't come out to my mom as well for certain reasons, but anyway, i've figured myself bisexual +/-2yrs ago and i have a girlfriend for almost a year now. so firstly i just want you to encourage if you feel so, i think it's totally okay to be as you are to yourself and to be with your family as they expect you to be. ofc you have to be careful, but i think it's manageable. secondly you are young, almost just as i am, so take it from me, if i understand that we have a lot more time in the world than we think, you can understand it too, don't rush your life, live a little while in questionings (try ofc to make them pleasant) then try finding new relationships, not necessarily romantic, just new people in your life and maybe you will find supporting ones or at least people with who you can talk freely about whatever (just talking about related topics helps, at least for me) and of course don't forget your life, sexuality and expressing yourself is important, but so is your education, free time, hobbies and etc, spend time on everything you can that makes you smile and some things sometimes figure themselves out naturally. but don't wait forever - live everyday, do research on whatever, watch movies, communicate with people, try creating longer relationships and such, good luck! p.s. welcome to the forum, i really like this place, although i'm new like you, but it's a cozy place ^^
SamRam1998, First, I want to tell you that I empathize with what you're going through and I'm very sorry that your parents are so unaccepting of LGBT. Self-acceptance is really the first hurdle to go through, and for most people, reaching self-acceptance prior to coming out works better than coming out before accepting yourself. It sounds like from your post that you haven't reached that point yet. Caring about what others think of you doesn't necessarily mean that you reject the opinions of others. I care what people think of me. The difference is that I don't allow what others think of me to dictate my choices in life. If you are still dependent on your family for school and expenses, then you probably shouldn't reveal your sexuality to them until you are no longer dependent upon them. I know you love your parents, and I know they mean the world to you. Until you are a little more mature in life, perhaps waiting is a better idea for you, especially while you are still struggling with self acceptance. My advice to you then is to work on yourself first, and not worry about your family for right now. You will know when the time is right. Take care. ride:
Your post is from a while ago, but couldn't let it go without posting a reply. I am Muslim too, and I have kids your age and older! I knew I was gay probably around the same age as you did (12) but couldn't put a name to it. I was never attracted to women and was always attracted to men, and didn't realize that this is not "normal" until probably college time! no internet of course at the time to educate myself about it. I concur with "I'm gay" with regards to finances. Don't come out to your family as long as you're dependent on them financially .. it'll just add to your struggle. You're still young and have time to figure things out slowly. Take your time. Just don't get desperate at any point of time and "try" to marry a woman under pressure from your family. From my experience, it'll add to the misery and will never "correct" your sexual orientation as your family might think. This strategy failed me miserably although it was my own decision at that time. I'm here for you if you have any questions, I'll do my best to support you as much as I can. I'm a practicing Muslim (as much as I can) and do my best to find a peaceful area between my belief and my sexual identity .. still struggling but progressing slowly. So I understand your background, I understand your parent's ideology and I'm letting you know that there is always a way out of this struggle.
