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Mixed Signals

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Phantasma, Apr 8, 2009.

  1. Phantasma

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    I apologize in advance for the wall of text. I can never seem to simplify my writing..

    I've come in search of some advice. This first part will be a bit of history, so you can have most of the story before trying to offer any help. Now, here's what's going on..

    I've known this guy for three or four years now. We met originally when he transferred to my school and I (with the exception of one other person, who was my best friend at the time..) was his first friend. We were never exactly the best of friends, but we got along well enough. He always seemed to have a stronger bond with my best friend, though. Eventually our friendship started to disintegrate and he abandoned me for my best friend, who also abandoned me as well. Eventually that imploded and he came back to me, we became friends again and left Mr. Former Best Friend behind. There's quite a lot to that story, but I'm not sure if it would be relevant to this topic. So, back to my point..

    We went back to the way things had been originally. Not exactly a best-friend vibe between us, but a bond strong enough to make things work. Then came the new friend, who will be referred to from now on as interruption number two. He became our friend and soon enough I saw history repeating itself as I was abandoned in favour of the new person in the picture. I decided I didn't want to go through more of the drama and moved on to a new friend. Within months he was coming back to me for comfort when his friendship with interruption number two imploded much like the first. We went back to the usual. Not the best of buds, but got along fine and seemed happy in each others company. However, something was different. I still don't know what it was.. but something was different. The vibe had changed.. very slightly, but it definitely had. I didn't think much of it at the time considering he up and left a few weeks later when he worked things out with interruption number two.

    They are still friends today and I'm sitting to the side, being the good quiet student that I am. But ever since I felt that "something" I noticed he is becoming oddly protective of me. And it is incredibly confusing. It started out as a bit of a running joke between the two of us. I was "smart, important hard working Jared" and if someone distracted me when I was working or said something negative towards me he would step up and defend me. Like I said this was originally just a joke between friends (he would always 'defend' me in a joking tone), that my work was important and I couldn't be allowed any distractions. Here's where I get really confused. He is drifting away from me AGAIN, but it seems like the further apart we get, the more protective of me he becomes. In the past I've always sorta' been there waiting, for when things went south between him and interruption number two. However this time I decided that he had made his choice and I needed to start seeking new friends myself.. then this starts. It's lost its joking tone, he's actually really started to get offended/upset sometimes.

    I don't know what to make of this. On one hand he is distancing himself from me at a faster pace than ever before, so much so that we don't share even a single word most of the times we pass in the hall. But crack a joke at my expense, hell just look at me sideways..and he pops into the scene. He defends me no matter who it is speaking to me. I don't see this with any of our friends.. if someone aims a joke towards them, people who he is closer and better friends with than he is with me, and he laughs along. But with me, he won't have any of that. Despite us barely having any form of a solid friendship in the last year, year and a half. This is a new development. Go back a year or two and he woulda' been the one making a joke about me. But the other day he literally stood between me and someone who was trying to distract and mock me. But the minute that person went away, so did he. Haven't heard a word from him since. We sit at the same table during lunch and he doesn't even glance in my direction. Doesn't sit with me if there's another friend of his around.. doesn't talk to me or even notice me really. But come even partially close to offending me and he bursts back into the scene. He wants nothing to do with me unless it looks like someone is bothering me. As soon as he gets them off my back he leaves again.

    I'm seeking some advice or input on the situation. I know that we have always had a weird sort of friendship, where we drift apart just long enough to come back together again.. but it's different this time. He's never been like this before. It's really confusing me, because this is somewhat similar to what we've gone through in the past, but it is also different. We're drifting away as usual, but except for his brief and sporadic moments of defense, it doesn't look likely that we are going to come back together this time. Yet there's still that.. "something".. that I can't really put my finger on. He sends strong, clear signals one day that say I would be better off moving on to new friends, but when I start to do so he does a total 180.

    Why must he send such mixed signals >_<
     
  2. Jay

    Jay
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    Hey there!

    Well the best way to know what he means by the "mixed signals" is to "unmix" them, AKA, clear them up!

    Talk to him, in a casual way, and ask him what does he think about your friendship, or about you as a person. Tell him what you feel and ask him to clarify if you're wrong. Tell him that you like him as a friend (given the fact you've been there a couple of times when he "comes back") but you need to know what else is going on in his head. Tell him that whatever that is, your relationship of friendship with him won't be harmed and it might even develop into something else if it "feels right".

    What might happen here is that he might feel he can ruin the friendship you have if he tries to "date" you. One thing you can do is to come out to him. That will either give him the courage to come out to you too, or will solidify the trust bond you have making you not just "getting along" friends but more of "best" friends.

    Good luck!
     
  3. Phantasma

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    I really would like to sit down with him and just talk it out to see what's going on.. but I'm not sure if that would work. There's really awkward tension and silence a lot of the time that it's just the two of us.

    I do admit I lust for this guy hardcore, and that's one reason I've been trying to distance myself from him - because I do know that I'm going nowhere crushing on him when I get no return. I don't know where he is on the sexual spectrum.. he's incredibly cold and secretive about everything. Which is another reason why I don't know if he'd respond to a conversation about feelings and where our friendship is, and whatnot..
     
  4. Sexiross

    Sexiross Guest

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    listen ...im here for you.... its coming down to it for you to ask him whats wrong....maybe out of the school setting.... you say that he is cold and secretive.....so...take you guys out of a scene that would make him want to be secretive...be open and honest.

    on a personal level...you know my feelings i have for you. But i feel that you need to be happy... and i feel that you wont be happy untill you guys chill and talk it out one on one ....no distractions.... and ill always be here for you babe!(*hug*)