This is my first post so I hope I'm not accidentally breaking any rules or anything, sorry. Since this is super long I'll post a short version at the end. I realized I wasn't straight two years ago, when I had a huge crush on someone of the same sex. After a lot of self-reflecting I believe that I've been attracted to the same sex ever since I was little and was just oblivious (heteronormativity and all). When I had "crushes" on boys I would choose someone to be my crush and never thought of them in a romantic or sexual way. Sometimes I felt nervous around them but I think that was really just because it feels good to be liked, who doesn't want to feel attractive? For a few months I identified as bi then changed to identifying as gay, and have been for about a year and a half now. A few months after that I came out to my best friend, and have come out to a few other people since. But I'm still pretty closeted, I've only come out to people over text and such so I've still never told anybody out loud "I'm gay". I'm very lucky and I'm pretty sure everybody I care about will be totally supportive (many of my friends are bi), so I really don't have any fear of being rejected over being gay. Honestly I've had to deal with very little homophobia. I'm pretty sure the main reason coming out is hard for me is because of my paranoia that I'm lying to myself and it's just a phase and I just want attention and I'm actually bisexual or even straight and people will reject me if I come out as gay then realize I'm not, etc. I know that I'm romantically attracted to the same sex and that's kinda it. I might also be asexual, and I keep trying to make myself look at pictures of nude women to "test" myself for a reaction so I can "prove" if I'm asexual. Also I keep "testing myself" with guys, asking myself if I'm attracted to them and if I want to kiss them, date them, etc., I wonder if maybe I'm just not attracted to guys my age but later I'll be attracted to them. When I notice that a guy is attractive I feel so fake, even though I know that recognizing an attractive person isn't the same as being attracted to them. I try to imagine myself making out with guys and girls then comparing how I feel. I sort of assumed that every non-straight person goes through this, but recently I found out about sexual orientation OCD, which I understand to be controversial on here. I'm not self diagnosing with OCD-- I think I just have an obsessive personality, not an obsessive disorder-- but it was interesting for me to learn about other's similar experiences. Sorry for the insanely long post, TL;DR I can't stop questioning if I'm lying about my sexuality or making it up and keep trying to "test" it. I've been getting better about accepting myself, but I guess I could just use some reassurance that I'm not going to be stuck in this loop of questioning everything forever. I want to come out and it's safe for me to do so, but I'm just paralyzed by this fear of being wrong.
So who cars if you are wrong? Not being mean. It seems you are putting so much pressure on yourself and that pressure is what is causing the endless loop of questioning. Stop worrying and thinking it over so much and just start living. When you find a girl you want to have a relationship with, go for it. Or a guy... But quit stressing. As you start dating, it should fall into place as to who you are. But don't put the cart before the horse.
No, you're totally right. It's irrational and it doesn't matter, I logically know that. I just feel like it does, and I'm getting better about not worrying what other people think and moving past the irrational thoughts, but I'm not quite there yet. I'm also pretty afraid (irrationally) of being seen as attention-seeking in general so I guess that's feeding into it.
Just wanted to say thanks because that helped me "snap out of it". It'll probably come back, but at least I can relax a little for now
I was going to write something, but it looks like bunnydee helped you . For what it's worth, I'd agree anyway. Your own self-acceptance is what matters, and if at this point your self is unsure, then that's fine. I don't think people here mind who/what you are, anyway Also, anxiety can kill sexual feelings pretty quick. So try and relax, hard as it might be
You're right, it is obsessive.. but obsessiveness is a good thing when it applies to things you can think your way through or do something about. (Then they just call it persistence or stubbornness or even confidence.) You're right, it is irrational, but then so is love. And finally you are actually right, it is something a lot of bi/gay people go through, the "testing" stuff. So far you are pretty sure you like girls. (Would you kiss one?) Maybe physical thoughts just come later. Not everyone's hormones (kind of just a phrase here I'm not necessarily talking about specific body chemicals heh) kick in at the same time. Lots of people need romance first. So I'll repeat that annoying advice to "relax" even though that's exactly one of those things you can't think your way into. (Maybe meditate but that's different.) You sound pretty normal. That's the good news. The bad news is that it's normal to not know what's coming next. The trick is to turn that into good news too: you can be pleasantly surprised!
I completely know how you feel. My advice to you is to wait until you are sure. Like, I'm sure you are sure, but you gotta feel sure. ---------- Post added 17th Jan 2017 at 10:58 AM ---------- And it will happen. You will reach that point. Patience.
Thanks for the advice everybody! I joined my school's GSA about a year ago so I could get some support (and, not gonna lie, hopefully meet non-straight girls lol). It turned out to be a pretty small, informal club, which I'm now basically in charge of...yeah. Wasn't planning on it but there's not really anybody else to do it. I'm glad that I joined and became part of the leadership but it does sort of push me out if the closet a bit. (If I mention a club then people usually ask what club, and even though the club includes cishet allies, I think they'd probably assume that the club president isn't just an ally lol. I'm hoping I can put it on my college apps without outing myself to my parents) Not sure if it matters but I'm 17. I know that's still very young but I'm not 13 or anything Beenthrdonetht: Yeah, my tendency toward obsession is definitely a blessing and a curse. I can make a ton of progress with my obsession (not really this particular one but some are semi-practical), but other things tend to get neglected in the process. So I really just want to control it, not get rid of it.
If it's any help - I went round and round in circles trying to figure out my sexuality, really doubting myself, and not wanting to make a mistake, being scared people would come back and laugh at me for getting it "wrong". Coming out is a BIG thing (well it was for me), and I felt the pressure to make a definitive statement at the time of coming out to say exactly what I was - for people to believe me, and think I wasn't confused or going through a "phase" - which I had been accused of previously. I think part of this for me was internalised homophobia - I didn't want to go "against" society unless I was really, really sure. What helped in the end was realising that sexuality can be quite fluid and multi-dimensional (especially for women) - and isn't always as clear cut as people would have us believe. Even something like the Kinsey Scale still has "boxes" which I tried to place myself in. As bunnydee said - try dating, and see how you feel. That certainly worked for me - really listening to myself and going where that took me. I realise now that I can, and have, felt very emotionally drawn to effeminate men, and in fact have loved them, and been with them as a result of that. In listening to myself however in a non-judgemental way, I have realised that there just isn't that same inexplicable, can't-escape-it passionate drive towards men that I feel towards a woman I am very attracted to. And I only worked that out (overthinker that I am too) by actually getting out there and allowing myself to experience things. So for me now, my own personal experience says that I prefer women, and want to be with women. I call myself a lesbian because it is the closest approximation for people to get - but really I recognise and accept that there can be times of ambiguity still - and that's OK. But that's me - and you are you.
