Young single dad needs your help!

First props for being a single father of two. Its rare to find a single fathers rasing kids in a good light or at all. You live in tampa. Tampa and St Pete are a pretty populated areas with a good GLBT population. It shouldnt be hard to find bi or gay guys there. I mean they hold a GLBT film festival there almost every year. To find a gay/bi guy you got to look in an area where they are commonly found. Theseare links to events and what not. Hope they help.

 

*Ahem*
Not all of us are "excessively feminine"...
You sound like you need more exposure to the gay community.
You might find that many of us are "straight-acting" as well.

 

I'm not offended, I just don't want you to limit your opinion of us to those horrible stereotypes. They are far from the truth.

 

Hey there, mate. Most of the gay guys you've met are straight acting, and you think they're straight, but they aren't!! ^__^

How old are your kids? If you're interested in meeting guys, they deserve to know that daddy likes guys, and that daddy is normal, and being gay or bi is OK. I know it's hard to think of you coming out to them, but done at the right time in the right way will benefit your relationship way more than what you think.

Good luck!

 

Considering the way you talk about you being attracted to guys but wanting to remain in the closet, you seem to be very uncomfortable with yourself and your current situation. I'm not sure that what you need right now is a relationship, but more a moral support.
You say you want to stay in the closet because of your kids. I'm not sure at all that having a dad uncomfotable with himself and hidding himself from others and from is own kids would be good for them either.
I think you should try to find a GLBT support group in your area, like Pflag for example.
It may help you to feel more comfortable with yourself and to think about your issues.
There is also dads on EC. They might help you about all this.
I wish you all the best. Take care, Eleanor

 

Careful what you say buddy!

One of those "horrible stereotypical" gays might get all up in your grill about these thing. We have been through this before on the site, but just tread lightly around the subject. Alot of people on this site are more femmy and they often get thrown in this pile of shit and labeled "THE BAD TYPE OF GAY PEOPLE" even by other gay people, if not more by them.

Dont want to start something (...again) but i do want to warn ya, people get offended by comments like this.

- - -

Edit: Forgot to say, on the main topic: I totally agree with Eleanor! You seem like you might want to get some support and get more comfortable in your own skin before you start to seek out other guys. To quote RuPaul...

"How ya gunna love someone else if ya cant even love yourself"

...or something like that EC is a great site for that kind of support! So take off your jacket and stay awhile. We are all just here to help.

 

Just to let you know - there are quite a few 'dads' at EC who have found themselves attracted to guys. You are not alone.

I have flagged your post for one of them to (hopefully) make contact with you.

 

Welcome to EC! Lots to cover here, so let's get started.

* Most gay guys ive met make me uncomfortable because i am a non-feminine acting sports junky mans man(no pun intended). It seems like most gay guys are excessively feminine.

A couple problems here, as others have pointed out. First off, let me say that this is an exceedingly common belief/attitude/misconception among guys who are still coming to grips with being gay. It's like an early stage of acceptance. "OK, I like guys - but I'm not GAY. You know, like faggoty girly gay. I'm not like THEM." Thing is - you ARE gay. You like guys, you're gay - end of story. And them faggoty girly guys are gay, too. You ARE in the same boat, no matter how much distance you might want to put between you and them.

Secondly, are most gay guys like that? My experience says no. More accurately, it's a continuum. Some act nothing like it, others a bit like it, others more so, still others a lot so. So why do you think most act like that? I'm guessing you've got some ad hoc reasoning going on.

Let me use a different, made-up example. A lot of people watch that show "Dancing With the Stars". Let's say they make up these glittery rainbow T-shirts that say "I love Dancing With the Stars!", and you see a couple people wearing them. You might think "I don't like people who watch Dancing With the Stars - they wear ugly clothes." Well, no. The only reason you know they watch that show is...they're wearing that T-shirt! Lots of other people watch the show, and aren't wearing the T-shirt.

Similarly, there are a lot of gay guys out there who aren't femmy. You just don't know it because...they aren't acting femmy! You recognize them as gay because they're giving you signals that they are. If they weren't, you wouldn't consider them gay. Much like you, presumably, aren't giving off any signs...which is why you don't have a date tonight.

Thirdly, and I cannot stress this part enough - femmy guys kick ass. You know why? Because they're gay, and they decided they like being gay, and they don't fucking care who knows. Their being femmy is no more an "act" than you being "straight-acting" is an "act". It's just how they're programmed, and rather than force their voice down an octave and wear a suit and pretend to like the Buccaneers so more straight people won't get weirded out...they're saying "You know what? Fuck that noise" and doing precisely what they want. And that kicks major, major ass. You may not be attracted to them (at least early on), or even feel totally comfortable around them (at least early on). But give some respect, yo.

As it ends up, I'm more like you. I wear T-shirts and jeans, act like a slob, listen to rock, and have season tickets to a contact sport. This perhaps makes me a bit different from the femmy guys. But it does NOT make me better. And because me likey the dickey, I'm still gay.

* I don't want to ever come out because of my kids. I wouldnt want them to have to deal with that. life is hard enough.

Never say never, my friend. Your kids are presumably a bit young for the "daddy likes other daddies" talk, but kids ain't dumb. Eventually, they're gonna wonder why daddy doesn't have a girlfriend, and why he likes going over to Mike's house so much.. At a certain age, they ARE gonna figure it out. Don't shackle yourself into the closet "for the kid's sake", because frankly, it isn't necessary. I personally am not a father, but there are other gay fathers here who can give you plenty of good advice on how to be gay, how to be out, and still ensure your kids will have a great path ahead of them.

* Im curious to know if there are websites/chatrooms especially made for gay/bi dad's?? Maybe even just closeted gay/bi guys that have no interest in coming out. I just feel like its going to be impossible to find a guy like me.

Yeah, technically, it IS gonna be tough. Break it down logically for a minute. "I want X, but I don't want anyone to know I want X. I don't want to go anywhere where there IS X, because someone might see me, and figure out I want X. And those people I see who have X, I'm not interested in." See the problem?

Yes, you CAN date someone while still in the closet, but it tends to be excessively stressful. Telling someone - explicitly or implicitly - "I like spending time with you, I like having sex with you, but nobody must ever know about your existence" can often go wrong. So what would I recommend? Honestly, as others have suggested, I'd work on yourself first. Get more used to the idea. Hang out here, if you'd like, or I can recommend a couple other websites you might enjoy hanging out at. Once you're more at peace with yourself and your position, then you can think about bringing someone new into your life.

Lex

 

Then why not start here? There's plenty of gay guys here you can talk to, including gay dads. Sure, it'll be online to begin with, and your kids won't have playmates just yet, but it's a start. We can answer your questions, you can make fun of the Rockies, I'll make some sort of lame joke about the Rays' chances this year, and you'll be in a better place before you know it.

Lex

 

your ex lest her kids too? wow, thats low... but yea, i agree with lex^. im no dad but im sure everyone here can help.

 

My dad came out to me when I was 6 or 7, I can't remember because I was rather young. But that's sort of my point, because he came out to me when I was younger whenever I heard someone in school or on the TV saying something negative about homosexuals I knew it was wrong. I knew it was lying because I knew that my dad wasn't like that, my dad wasn't a sin, my dad definitly wasn't having orgies. (heard that one more recently but I thought it was a funny one so I threw it in there) I'm not saying come out to your kids when there 6 or 7 because when my dad did my mom was pisssed but don't wait too long because you don't want them to think anything negatively of gay guys before they know. Like my older brother was crushed when he found out because faggot was used as an insult in school so he assumed it was a horible thing to be.


On a completely different note I'd like to thank you. I don't think I completely understood my dad's situation when he first realized he was gay and your's is much tougher being that you're a single dad but I think your story has helped me to understand my dad a little better. So thanks

 

Hi there! I'm Jim, and I'm a gay dad with two little girls - now 6 and 8.

We all have our own stories, and nobody get's here by exactly the same path, but yours and mine are similar, for sure.

I was also married - for 9 years - and during that time came to realize that I was attracted to men. I came out to my wife when I simply couldn't deny it any longer, and we separated soon after. Thankfully I had some people in my life that were understanding - my wife included - so I didn't feel completely isolated. I was seeing a therapist, which helped a great deal. (You might consider that - if you wanted to work through some feelings or emotions that you're not sure how to deal with. I loved having someone like that to talk to.)

It's quite common (or at least more common than most people think) for men to not recognize or acknowledge their attraction to other men - because society says that isn't right. So, we didn't, and we dated girls, and got married, and had kids. But eventually, it catches up with us one way or another. There is actaully a group in Toronto specifically for such people - Gay Fathers of Toronto. There could very well be groups like that in the Tampa area as well.

But before you're going to go there, you need to be comfortable with yourself. Secure enough to decide that "IF someone were to see me going to that meeting, I'd be OK with it." If you're not there yet - and that's perfectly OK if you're not - then you're not going to feel comfortable getting that kind of support. At least not yet.

So this site is great. You can interact with people who you wouldn't 'expect' were gay. But we are. I'm a professional accountant. I'm a car nut - almost anything European suits me. The car in my avatar is mine. I dress rather conservatively. I carry a little bit to much around my middle. My hair is thinning - and I'm OK with that. I have two beautiful little girls and I go to their school for concerts and to their skating lessons and soccer games. I'm one of those gay guys who you'd never know was gay by looking at me. I'm sure you know someone just like you already. But you'd never know it, just like they'd never know that you were into guys either!

I found this site really helpful for that. Suddenly I was interacting with other, VERY normal people, who also happened to be gay. It went a long way towards me feeling comfortable with myself being gay.

What else to do? Well, you could certainly 'hook up' as often as you wanted - but that's not what you're looking for. And that's great. I'm not sure there are sites specifically for bi / closeted gay guys, but you could try some online dating sites and make it clear what it was you were looking for. You might be surpirsed with what you'd find.

You could also try online classified ads. Be BRUTALLY honest with what you're looking for, and you could very well find someone that is also looking for the same thing.

You can also feel free to send me a private message. I don't mind chatting in private if you'd like to hear more of my story. But at the same time, posting in the forum like this is good, because for every guy that is brave enough (like you) to post here, there are likely several other lurking that haven't quite summoned the courage to post but are in the exact same situation.

I haven't come out to my kids YET either. I felt they were too young and didn't need to know when my wife and I first split. However, I am seeing someone now - who also has two kids from his marriage, and I think I'll be telling my kids this summer. I look forward to them meeting his kids, and them all playing together. I envision us going places together as a 'family' some time in the future. I can't imagine lying to my kids about the relationship I have with my boyfriend. Kids aren't dumb. They'd figure it out eventually. So while I understand that you don't want to tell they yet, you might want to eventually. As Lex said - never is a very long time. But DON'T come out to them before you are completely comfortable and can be very positive about it.

Good luck - and welcome to EmptyClosets. I think you've come to the right place. I wish I'd found it much earlier in my journey than I did. See you around!

 

Great post Pepsi! Thank you for sharing that.

I just want to add that my sons' first relationship of two years ended because my son was out and his partner wanted to keep everything closeted. That is not a healthy way to live.

I think your kids will be fine with knowing who you are. Kids understand love very well. You may not want to share every passing relationship with them but someday you may want to have a long-term committed relationship with somebody and you are going to want them included. This is a great resource for talking to kids about sexuality. Scroll down to "What does it mean to be gay?" Its a pdf file. (I think that's the title)

http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/links.php

 

A good site you might enjoy is Outsports. It's a site for gay men to discuss both your favorite sports/teams/plays AND admit you kinda think the third baseman is kinda hot. Good pieces, and a fairly active messageboard. No nudity allowed, so it's worksafe (assuming you don't mind your co-workers leaning over your shouldert when you type out who you think the hottest guy in the NFL is)...

Outsports

Lex