Hello guys, how are you? I am now 22 years old, came out to 5 people who I know they aren't homophobic, it was at april last year (2016), now I am second year at university, I have 2 best friends, we're really close, like a triple brothers, we do everything together, study, hang out, eat, like literally everything, we love each other so much (as best friends) and respect each other, I couln't ask for better friends, they care about me and everything is great. the thing is that they both were homophobic at some point. A year ago they kinda changed, they don't seem to hate gays anymore and I are more accepting (don't know why), and one of them I feel he really changed (let's call that guy X), and the second I don't know if he's just saying that to make himself look good about gay people. Now I will be talking about X (my friend who I think really changed), I've been thinking to tell him for so long about me (after he changed). Though let me tell you what really happened: I've been best friends with him and the other guy since 4 years now, we're really good friends, we were having sleep overs, I really don't look at them sexually I love them as my friends, and consider them as my brothers, now for X, once we were sleeping next to each other at the 3rd's place, and in the night I held his hand, (X's hand), this is the only thing I did, I didn't mean any harm I just was like my mind wanted to fill a gap in my heart, for being gay, but he noticed that, and he couldn't sleep that night and I told him why did you wake up, he didn't say, at the moment I didnt know that he really noticed so went back to sleep. the other day he faced me with the truth, he told me I want to ask you something, we went to talk alone away from our 3rd friend, he asked me "did you hold my hand last night?", when I heard the question I was shaking to death, I was just not ready to tell him, so I lied to him, and I don't know if he really believed me, but he said that he did, he hugged me then, and life went forward, it was before I come out to these 5 people, he was just the first one ever doubting, I cried in the way home that day, I was in bus, people were like "why are you crying" I jsut didn't answer anyone, and went home after I wiped my tears (so my parents won't see me), he sent me a message after I arrived home, listen if you are gay, I won't hate you I can help you, I would stay friends with you and nothing will make me be sad of you, it was a good message to read, but I thought he was just saying this to force me out. after that incedence, things kinda went back to normal, I don't know if he still doubts me, and just wait me to tell him, but everytime someone asks him if he's with gays, he says yes, and he once said "if I had a gay brother I would love him" , "if I had a gay friend I would stay be friends with him", but yet I kept feeling that he was just saying all these because I am there, and to make me feel good and just to force me to come out, and then he'll say I knew it, and stop being my friend. In addition, he was making alot of jokes, and was sometimes telling us me and the 3rd friend to look at him, and all of the sudden his penis is out, I was looking away I swear I never stared at his penis, because I know it's not fair. Though, I am so scared that he would hate me because of that, or because I held his hand. just to mention, I never slept next to him after that thing happened, I was like eventho he asks me to sleep next to him, and eventho he said it's fine come, I would always say no, and the reason is that I move alot while I'm sleeping, I don't want to do anything to him without me being concious of it, it's just not fair, he told me that I did that once, but I wasn't concious (before the hand thing). And now after some time passed, I feel like he's ready to know, and not telling him is making me constantly depressed and sad that all this friendship is still fake, but I am still scared, that he wouldn't accept me, and will look at me as less than a person, I don't want this freindship to end, I never had friends in high school, and now I am having the best friendship I would ever have, close friends who care for me. and it will kill me to lose them, and since I feel one of them isn't ready, I won't tell him now, but the one that I feel is ready (X) I so want to tell him, I just don't have the courage, and I don't know what to do if he refused me, I am afraid to lose his friendship, and ruin everything, I will be very very sad if this happens, and I am scared that if he didn't accept me, he will just ruin my life more by telling others. Holy damn, I feel he is so ready to know, and he would accept me, and I know he wouldn't harm me, but still scared as fuck. I also asked one of the 5 people about what does he think his reaction will be (that person knows him), he said he will accept you for sure, and he considers you his brother. I trust him but so confused now. Do you thin I should tell him ? and he wouldn't be mad about the things happened ? Or is it too risky from the story above, and he's just still pretending to be accepting just to force me out and then he would face me ? Am I being very paranoid ? would he forgive me ? Abit help would be appreciated guys, Thank you very much <3
