I really want to come out to my parents but I have just graduated college and I'm not financially independent yet. I'm currently living at home working full time and saving to move out. I'm just afraid to come out as gay to my parents. I sometimes feel that I'm bisexual and I feel like they might take that better than gay. I don't even feel comfortable saying "I'm gay". I feel so much happier when I can express myself freely and be out with my other LGBT friends. I feel so oppressed that it sometimes makes me depressed. My mother is an extreme christian and my father is pretty manly. I'm not sure how they are going to take this. Is there any way I can tell them besides saying I'm gay or I'm a homosexual? I'm trying to come out lightly and not have it be like, mom I'm gay, please accept me. Thanks.
Hi Mrcake, My only suggestion to you is this: your parents are going to react in whatever way they will react regardless of when you tell them. So, telling them now versus telling them months or years from now will really be no different. The only real difference is how being in the closet to them makes you feel between now and then. If you are particularly concerned about coming out to them while still being dependent upon them, I would suggest that you wait until you move out. That might give you an incentive to work harder at saving up the money you will need. Personally I don't think "how" they learn you are gay (or bi?) really matters all that much. Once the initial shock wears off, they will need to go through the same process all parents need to go through when they learn that their child is LGBT. Denial - anger - bargaining - grief - acceptance. How you tell them shouldn't change this process in any way, so I suggest you just tell them in your most honest and heartfelt way possible. Take care. ride:
Mrcake, My experience coming out to my midwestern (Iowan) family might be relevant. Like you there was a strong religious background with one parent (my dad) and my mom's expectations - namely, grandchildren. Before coming out to them, how certain and secure are you about yourself? Would you be willing to defend your identity if they reacted with hostility and/or challenge you? In the very worst case, if they cut off communication or even shun you entirely would you know that you can't be any other way, and that this is who you are regardless? If you are religious, are you at peace in your beliefs? My point is that there could be adversity and a price to pay if you want to take the risk. Similarly, exactly what would happen to you financially if they were to cut off support? Would you possibly lose housing, food, transportation, or other necessities? Could they punish you by restricting your freedom to see friends, to go certain places, or to do your normal things? I hope that none of these would happen, but if you depend on them for support they can also limit your freedom. If you can defend your orientation in the face of hostility, and if you can cope with the potential loss of their support, then I would tell them. If you aren't ready for these then you may want to wait until you are more prepared. As for the actual way of telling them, it might help to write a letter. This way you can control the message and this way any heated emotions won't get in the way of what you want to say. I would try to write very clearly so that you don't rely on anything but the overt meaning of your words and not slang, hints, metaphors, or other indirect writing style. Something direct and not overly emotional would be my suggestion. You may also want to read other coming out stories and actual coming out letters here on EC. We're here to support you and I hope it goes well. I remember the day I came out even 23 years later, and believe it me it wasn't easy at the time. But it was worth it, and today I know that my family loves me very much for who I am. That authenticity and openness came at the price of discomfort for a while. If you choose to do this I hope you find the resolution you're looking for. *warm embrace* Patrick
