I'm not straight & also not out. I've always known and yet I'm still unable to come out. I've never been married and don't have any kids. Probably seem pretty free to most, but the more time that passes I know that I'm robbing myself of a truly free life. I haven't even pretended to date a girl since I was in my early 20s. Therefore it would probably not be a surprise if I were to come out. My excuse(s)? I'm just now coming to the realization that I have far too many of those... Fear of hurting loved ones, though I know this is silly and I'd have lots of support from many that are already in my life. I have an overwhelming feeling of hypocrisy since I've never been able to be fully honest to the world. I've lived here most of my life, so while there are gay clubs I have never felt comfortable enough to explore this for fear of seeing someone and getting outed (which would then not be on my terms). Dating apps also seem to risqué for my comfort. (for that same fear of being outed) Moving to another city simply is not an option as I've just made 12yrs at a job and with a. company that I love. (I don't really think of this as an excuse, but I wanted to add it because moving would otherwise seem like an obvious choice. I do not think there's any need for me to shout it from the rooftops (or across social media) just for me to feel validated in my own existence. So my delima is that I'd like for those that find out to simply think of this as a non-issue. Yet I'd also love nothing more than to shed this fear and just be me. Advice or comments from anyone would be appreciated, but I WOULD LOVE to hear of anyone else going through a similar issue. While the many online vids of young guys coming out stories have been helpful, I've found that my age and situation (or lack thereof) seem to be rather unique (although that word makes it seem too special.)
I understand you not wanting to about shouting it to the world. But I think you've spent enough time in the closet, and owe it to yourself to come. Doesn't gotta be a big deal. Just go to the gay bars/date a guy. If someone recognizes you, just continue on. Wouldn't that be ideal? Just to have a few people find out at a time until eventually everyone knew and you no longer felt trapped? I understand it sounds scary and all... Coming out is scary... And there are bad reactions. Like all the reactions I've gotten this far.. LOL But you live independently and should just do it. Don't really have to "come out" just go out and be yourself. Eventually they'll realize you're gay and that's okay. I hope this helped but it probably didn't and seemed kinda confusing looking back at it..
Thanks Guff - this does help. Another tough part for me is that I do have a really close friend that I also work with who is the only person in my life that I was able to be honest with about 5yrs ago. She was fully supportive and nothing changed thereafter with our friendship. However her response at the time is still something that I think about....since I don't already have enough on my mind. She said, "Don't worry about it. You can't help what you like, it's whatever gets your d!ck hard." Hopefully that's not too graphic to write here. Anyways I sorta laughed it off at the time, but I even told her then that there's more to it than that. I think so at least.
Stuck Like Glue - (that's an awesome name btw) I'd like to welcome you to EC. I'm 48 years old, and my story is different, as I did marry a woman and had kids, so my coming out was different than you will likely have. The one thing you and I have in common, though, was the deep shame we had for being gay. One thing I don't know from your post is how far you've come in ridding yourself of that shame. Your fears of coming out come from a deep belief that you are bad and no one must know. It's been your fear since puberty. It sounds like from your post that you've come to full acceptance of being gay, and wanting to live as an openly gay man. But it's taken you many years to reach this point, and now you're still stuck in the closet because you've waiting this long. So, then the question is, why can't you tell people now? What is the fear that still holds you? I think that the shame of being gay is rooted to our fears of anyone else knowing. You can't conquer one without the other. We learn as young children to hide what we think are bad things in us because we've been told that it's bad, or sick, or perverted, or gives you AIDS, or is gross, disgusting, and sinful. Everyone in my life will think I'm all of those things if they knew this about me. So I can never tell anyone. Those are the things that drove me into the closet. 37 years later, I rejected the lifetime of shame and tossed it overboard. I came out of the closet in June, and 7 months later I'm so incredibly glad I did it. Those deep roots of shame may no longer be overt to you, but it's the one thing that still attaches you to the closet. You simply have to reject the feeling that no one must know and make it the opposite - everyone must know. Or at least the people who are in your daily life. Those are the people you need to be out to. Everyone else, meh, they'll find out when they find out. If you really believe that most of the people in your life will accept you, then you owe it to yourself and your future to do it. It's time to let go of that fear of what everyone else will think. Take care. ride:
I'd have to say that the main thing keeping in the closet is what my Dad would say. It's what makes me question it all. I think it's silly considering my age and the fact that we've never been close. He grew up playing sports and that just wasn't my thing. We just don't click. I don't particularly like to be around him and I could handle a negative opinion from him. I just wouldn't want to give him a heart attack. I don't know what would happen. Something else to add on top of that is my mother's brother is gay. We've always known but it was never discussed openly. So that sort of thing adds to the taboo feelings I have. But as far as the shame that you've mentioned I really don't think that's it for me. My folks are Catholic, but they've never been the bible-thumper type that would tell me I'm going to hell. With that being said, I'm pretty sure that the think sexual preference is a choice. Maybe my coming out could change that for them. They know that I'm doing well in my career and I've just bought my first house. I'm obviously not a heathen. As I've heard many say before me, why would I 'choose' to make my life more difficult? I believe it's more humiliating to lie about this for so long - rather than the actual lie itself. I think so. I only have one sibling, an older sister and I've debated telling her and asking her to tell my folks. I know that she would do that for me. Maybe that would be chicken-sh!t but it would at least get it done. Thanks for your response, I'm gay! I'd imagine I'm looking pretty weak in comparison to the journey you've been through.
Not sure that this will help...but at least you'll know you aren't alone. At least part of my situation is the same. I'm over 40, and have never been married. I go a step further than you in never having even having dated. (This alone might make it less than surprising if I ever come out. Please note the if I ever come out. I've been here 3 years and 11 months, and I'm still in the closet. Part of me wishes to escape the closet. But then part of me is frankly afraid even though I live in a liberal area. (Although some people who can cause me some practical problems are conservative, and likely to be anti-LGBT to a degree.) I also have fears about what the Trump/Republican government will bring us. And it's not like I'm dating or feel I'm in a position to date at this time (financial issues).
Thanks for replying Stuck Like Glue. No I don't think you're weak. We are all of us here on our own personal journeys, and your journey is every bit as difficult as mine - just different. I took a chance and made some assumptions, and based my comments upon those assumptions. Perhaps the issue for you isn't shame, I don't know. Your comments to me, however, leave little clues that tell me you still need to work on that. You learned from your uncle's example that your family treats homosexuality as taboo, that there's something wrong with it and so we just don't discuss it. Maybe it's not overtly homophobic, but it subtly told you that it's wrong or bad. Think about why you originally hid in the closet all those years ago. It wasn't shame? This is very common and stems from a lack of education on homosexuality. For you, though, why does it matter if they think it's a choice? I think it matters to you because you believe they will be disappointed in you for making the wrong choice. Although you are now in the 4th decade of your life, you still seek the approval of your parents and their acceptance of you. Yes. Even after I managed to accept myself and rid myself of the shame of being gay, my shame then morphed into the shame of hiding in the closet for so long. You used the term "humiliation" which is just another word for shame. I could be way off base here, and maybe others will have better advice for you, but I still think elements of shame are keeping you in the closet. Shame doesn't have to come from bible-thumping religion. It comes simply from a belief that what you are doing or feeling is wrong or bad. It comes from our families, our social circles, from school and society. You grew up and came of age in the 1980s. So did I. It was a bad time to figure out that you are gay, and so many messages from all around you told you that your feelings are wrong. The shame of being gay is nearly universal in the gay community for those coming out later in life, and I have encountered it here on EC time and time again. Perhaps you are no longer feeling shame for being gay, but you certainly still hold shame for the closet-dwelling. Your dad won't have a heart attack by you coming out. Your family may or may not be shocked, and they may or may not accept you right away. I suspect you coming out will be the thing that finally explains a lot to them.
Thanks BMC77 for the reply. While my heart surely goes out to you, is like to ask you if you feel like there will ever be a time to come out for you. As for those that you feel could make things more difficult for you, if you're referring to your superiors at work I think you should research whether or not that's not illegal. Perhaps I just misunderstood what you meant by that.
Thanks again I'm gay! I can't figure out how to do the fancy multi-quote thing that you did. It I'll attempt to respond to the parts that you mentioned which stuck out the most to me. What I meant to say regarding my Uncle was that he actually created that sense of taboo, since there was never any sort of official announcement (like a PowerPoint presentation...j/k.) If my family felt any differently about him it was more likely because of the fact that he could often be a jerk. On issues completely unrelated to his sexuality. I think this may be a result of him expecting others to treat him differently, but I know that wasn't the case. I'm not sure that my feelings towards my father means that I still searching for his approval. That train probably came and went 20 yrs ago when I no longer had to follow his rules. I could be wrong about that though. The way I see that is he is my father regardless so that fear of having him know could be routed in the chance that he might think it's his fault. I actually doubt that could ever happen though as he's way too headstrong to accept that blame. I used to feel he was my main concern, but I don't think that's the case at this point in my life. In regards how my humiliation could actually be shame. I'm not saying that the two couldn't be related, but the shame I feel most is more about the fact that I've always prided myself in being an open, honest, and some even say blunt human being. I simply tell it as it is in any situation.....unless that situation is in regards to my sexuality - in which case I'm a just a big fat liar. THAT is the shame that I feel. I don't feel shame for being gay. My shame is for being closeted and unable to just be real. Sure I felt shame growing up but as you'd mentioned that was due to the extremely slow evolution that society has made. I know my life isn't over and I'm actually proud to be 41, as I know that I've seen and done a lot in my lifetime. However, I am extremely jealous of these young guys today that are able to go through this much earlier. ---------- Post added 26th Jan 2017 at 08:11 PM ---------- Oops I didn't mean to quote that entire block. Now I feel shame for wasting so much screen ink. It's not so easy typing on this phone.
I have no idea, frankly. Indeed, a part of me is surprised that I'm still closeted. I have a vague recollection in 2013 thinking I'd be able to be out by the end of the year. Obviously that never happened. At the moment, I frankly feel a bit pessimistic that I'll ever be out. It's other people. There are some financial implications, however. There are also issues of peace and quiet with one neighbor (who is connected to others in my life). I'm not sure exactly what protections exist in my state, but certainly being gay would get better legal protection than some places.
Well I just got off of an hour and a half phone call w/ my sister. She was super-supportive, as I expected her to be. Still no word yet from the parents, but I intentionally sent an email instead of text in hopes that they wouldn't all see it immediately and then be forced to react (since I wasn't even sure if they were home at the time that I sent it.) I'm happy that I've been able to put things in motion now, and for that I'll find it easier to sleep tonight. I'll update again as soon as my story develops.
Mom replied now and was actually much better than I'd expected her to be about it! Now to wait out Dad's response, but I'm feeling great about the responses I've gotten so far. I'll let him take his time and we can talk when he's ready to. This feeling is awesome and I'll be totally fine with telling anyone else in my life as the time feels right.
Glad things have gone so well so far! And congratulations! You've managed to do better with coming out after a few days here than I have managed over the last 3 years 11 months. :lol:
