My mom found out that my best friend (let's call her K) is bi last night. My friend is also closeted, but only to her parents and some of the other adult relatives in her life. I don't think she wanted my mom to know, either, because my mom is close friends with her mom. But K posted a picture on instagram, I guess forgetting that my mom follows her there, that was like "girl: *breathes* me: I'M GAY!!! I LIKE GIRLS!!!!! I'M SO GAY OMG" Last night, while I was sleeping, my mom spoke to me through my door and woke me up just to ask me about this. She said my name, and I responded with a very groggy "what?". She then said "K posted something on instagram about... (laughs nervously) being gay... do you know anything about this?". I rolled over and responded, again very groggily, "I have no idea what you're talking about". I think she got the hint to leave me alone that time, as she walked into her room. Now that I'm awake, though, I'm worried that as soon as she comes back from work she will try to talk to me about this again. I'm so scared that one thing will lead to another, or she'll notice my sensitive reaction to the topic in general, and she'll end up asking me if I'm gay. I've thought about coming out to my family for months and months and months now. I decided that by the end of this year (2017) I was going to be out of the closet. I didn't know an opportunity like this would come so soon, though! I was thinking more towards October... and now I'm not sure if I should tell her or avoid her and this topic entirely for as long as I can. Coming out to my direct family (parents and siblings) is mostly symbolic to me. We're not very close, and even though they are all casually homophobic I don't think any of them would pull anything too serious, like kicking me out of the house or refusing to speak to me again (although I guess you never know). But I've always used them as a scapegoat for staying in the closet. I've always thought, "no, I can't tell this person that I'm gay, it could get back to my mom!" and used that as an excuse to barely ever come out to anyone. For example, I'm not out at work at all, not even close. I actively try to act straight there. All because my supervisor is friends with my mom and I'm afraid that if I tell anyone in the entire hospital somehow that supervisor will hear about it and then tell my mom. The only people I'm out to are people who have absolutely no connection to my family life whatsoever, which there are few of. Even K doesn't know I'm gay (at least, not for sure... I've dropped truckloads of hints and she seems to understand what I've been getting at, but I've never outright said "I'm gay") because she's too close to my family for me to feel comfortable with explicitly telling her. So telling my family would be really freeing for me in that sense. It'd give me leeway to tell anyone I want whenever I want that I'm gay. I could go to Pride and LGBT centers without being afraid that someone will see me and tell my parents, or that I'll run into a co-worker who will tell my supervisor. But it would also be real, true confirmation that I am gay. I wouldn't be able to go back on it anymore. I wouldn't have a chance of hiding it anymore. I wouldn't have the closet to fall back into. It would be final. It would be symbolic in the sense that I would be out, once and for all. And I don't know if I'm ready for that... but I want to be. I really want to be. I want to just finish this charade. I've been in the closet for... wow, 5 years. And I'm tired of it! But I'm also really scared of committing to being gay. It makes me feel sick. If anyone has any advice, please share
If she asks make it sound like it's old news: "Am I gay? Of course I am. I came out years ago. What rock have you been hiding under?"
Honestly, Ilyccia, it depends on whether or not you (as with any of us) are ready and comfortable with the idea of Coming Out to your parents. From what you wrote, it sounds like you've been thinking this through. At this point, I'd just advise that you take the potential positives and potential negatives of Coming Out into account, weighing them properly in your own mind, then deciding if you feel that the 'time is right' or not. Frankly, from what you wrote (and, of course you know your mom and how she thinks, whereas I don't), it sounds like she was curious about what you know about K, but that doesn't directly imply that you might like girls in the same way. I dunno, but there definitely seems to be such an environment of innuendo and doubt that you can still play this any way that makes you comfortable. Just some thoughts.
Remember that "I like girls" (an action, a verb) is often less threatening than "I am gay" (a category, label, noun) or even worse "I am a gay." Anyway, good luck!
