Hey everyone, So I am writing here I guess as a preliminary step to my coming out. Figured I would give you a run down of my whole situation. Plus just getting it out of my head I felt would help even if its just anonymously on the internet. I have been aware of my sexual orientation for sometime. I first sort of realized it at age 14 when I started noticing guys. At that point in my life however, It was not something I was willing to accept. So I did everything in my power to try to fight it I attempted to date girls and that went on till I graduated. But as you all know being gay is not something you can just suppress and have it go away its a part of you. I chose to do this because I was afraid to be abandoned by my family and friends. I grew up in small town where their was not a lot of gay people and of course they were not spoken very highly of. This was especially true in my house hold growing up. In my early twenties a few things changed I sort of stopped fighting it in the sense that I accepted I was gay. I still hated myself for it and wished it wasn't the case but I guess it was kind of progress. It was also during that time my career took off I am Chef and for my age I have had a lot of success. However, the macho atmosphere and hyper masculinity and blatant homophobia In the kitchens I worked in was difficult. It did nothing to help my anxiety and scared me deeper into the closet. I felt that if I was open and honest about who I was I would loose respect and be taken less seriously and there is nothing more important than having the respect of your colleges when you are in my career. So on top of being afraid to loose my family and friends over being gay I was also terrified to loose all the work and time I had invested in my career. After a few years of that playing the macho pseudo straight Chef It had played it self out. I am mentally exhausted I feel like I have spent 10 years building walls that were supposed to protect me from the judgement of others and being abandoned by everyone I love. The walls are more like a prison now. I see everyone I know falling in love pursuing relationships and growing as people. I feel like my inability to open up and my fear of other people opinions had stunted my growth as a human being. I have a huge crush on one of my gay friends and we have a lot of chemistry but I cant even work up the balls to tell him. I am bursting at the seams I am so frustrated with myself. In my heart I know I am good hard working person and I deserve to be free free to live my life. But every time I get close to telling someone close to me I get scared and chicken out. Whats everyone's thoughts? Does anyone have any advice to help me rip that bandage off. I want to come out before my 25th birthday in two months so any help is welcome. Chris
Hey Chris, I HEAR you and I understand. While I absolutely enjoy cooking, I have never been a professional Chef. However, I spent over two decades as a US Military officer in an extremely homophobic environment, so I definitely know what it means to repress one's own feelings and nature in an ueber macho environment. You certainly deserve to be free to express yourself openly and call-out your fellow employees on their offensive/insensitive comments. In fact, I'd bet that once you let them know your sexual orientation that not only will you find a whole lot of support, but even those who are truly homophobic will finally shut their mouths. Just my 2cents.
Hi Chris, From what you say it sounds like you are ready and have decided to come out but the problem you face is about actually coming out. One option would be to write a letter, you could then get everything clear in your mind what you want to say (there are plenty of people here who have written letters). So that might help with you figuring out how you want to frame things and what you want to get across. The next step then is who do you want to come out too first? You mentioned your gay friend who you have a crush on - he might be good because he will have an idea of what you are going through although the draw back would be that you have very strong feelings for him. Are there any alternative people you might come out to? I don't whether the letter is something you would want to do but it struck me as a major way of making coming out easier for you. Hope this helps.
