Hi peoples. Right now, my life in general is fucked up. Sorry for the language, but its probably about the most accurate way of saying it really. For starters, I am depressed. I have been for quite a while now, since i was around about 10 if I really care to think about it. Since i started high school I've been getting better at hiding it, i made some really awesome friends and they've helped me immeasurably. Now though, i'm starting to crack. Yesterday i went to one of my best friends birthday parties, and nearly all of my friends we're there. I tried my best to be normal, to fit in and to try and have fun. In the end, it didn't really work though. I ended up sitting by myself, in an out of the way place, with just me and my own depressive thoughts :/ This is the second party i've done this at now. My friends keep joking about me going all 'emo' on them, and they are getting a bit worried about me. I keep telling them i'm fine and generally just get them to leave me alone. I have barely any of my friends in any of my classes, and as such i feel like i'm being left out quite a lot. Most of them are in a band, and they do a lot of things together for the band, which i don't get to go to. They are all really awesome, but i feel like i barely get to see them any more. Next problem. I have a crush on a guy in the year below mine. He's one of my friends brothers, and is (imo) one of the most amazing people in the world. I've had this crush since about November, and its starting to drive me insane - I don't even know if he likes me or not. I'm not even sure if he likes guys. I see and talk to him fairly regularly, he's actually one of my better friends, except that he is a year below me. If i actually had the guts to do it, I would have asked him out already. I don't though. I am too scared to lose his friendship, and the possibilty of everyone finding out about my gayness. Not that that would be a bad thing. I am sick to death of hiding who i am from the whole f***ing world. But wait! There's more... gah... I hate my life right now. I am under the very distinct impression that one of my friends has a crush on me. I stayed the night at his house on thursday, and he kept "tickling" me. I am incredibly ticklish, and react quite badly to it generally. He kept holding me, and touching me, and i didn't like it at all. The guy is fairly creepy, he is incredibly masochistic, and is also somewhat suicidal. The next day, when i got home i sat in my room and read a book, trying to distract myself. I also chatted a bit on MSN with this guy i know, he is gay, and seems to like me a lot. Unfortunately, he lives in another city so nothing is likely to happen. He noticed something was up, and i talked to him about it a bit. Also, my family life is starting to get a bit... hostile. My parents found out that my sister is Bipolar a couple of moths ago, and have been very busy with her. They keep taking her to psychiatrists, and meds and everything. I don't think they've even REALISED that i am depressed at the moment. I actually told them i was depressed, and they just laughed it off, saying that maybe they could get a family discount on medication. I don't think they realised how much that actually hurt me. My mum is also constantly asking me about any girls i like, and who they are - etc. I will admit, i do have feelings for girls, but they are nowhere near as strong as my gay side. Not to mention i have a huge crush on somebody right now. It annoys me more than anything, because i feel like i'm lying all the time when i mention some girl to keep my mom appeased. And now to top it all off... I am, by nature (and probably due a bit to my depression) a very lazy person. I can't motivate myself to do very much. My room is a complete mess, and has been for quite a while. Today my mom sad that if i didn't get it cleaned up that i may as well move out and get a Job because she didn't want me any more. She then went on to say that as long as it is messy she won't make me dinner and i'll have to make my own. I seriously considered just packing my bag and walking out after this. The only thing that stopped me is the thought of not seeing Aaron (my crush) anymore. It actually scared me when i looked back and realised that he was the only thing that was stopping me from going at that point. This is when i logged on here... i decided that i kind of urgently needed some help. I also made a bit of a start on cleaning my room, but i'm getting distracted by writing this. I think i need a hug. Kaleb. PS: Sorry for the length of this.
Hi Roxas101! :smilewave first of all, Let me start off with: (*hug*) Secondly, I understand what you are going through. It was at that point where I got tired of lying to everyone that I decided to come out of the closet. However, if you do not think you are ready for that, then don't feel pressured to do it. If you do think you are up to it, then maybe it's time. You put your friends in a very positive light, which leads me to believe they are very close. If you do come out to them, and explain how it's fueling your depression, I'm sure they would understand. Do you know their opinion on gay people? As for your crush, from the sounds of it, telling him your gay seems like a good path. Only if you are up to it of course. If he really is as good a friend as you make it sound, he should be just as accepting. Also, this will let him know you are gay, which may make him comfortable enough to talk about whether he is or not. I don't suggest asking him out directly without knowing for sure. I think what you need to do with your parents is just sit them down and have a serious discussion with your parents about your depression. You don't need to let them know why, just let them know that it's there and you want help. Last but not least, the "touchy" friend. I personally would confront him about it. Maybe you should ask him if he is gay? I'm not sure if that is the best way to handle it but that's what I would do. If he is, then that gives you a friend you can relate to, but make sure to let him know you are not interested in him that way. If not, you need to at least let him know it makes you uncomfortable when he acts like that. good luck and I hope things get better! (*hug*)
Okay,your sister is bipolar. Did you know that it can run in families? You sound to at least have some form of depression. You need to sit your parents down and tell them. They need to take this seriously. There is so much help out there for this. They need to take you to a professional so you can be evaluated. Please,don't let this go on any longer. Once this is accomplished,you'll be able to see things in your life,more clearly. Don't wait and don't let them laugh it off. Depression can be serious and needs to be taken that way. Good luck and know we are all here for you.
Thankyou. (*hug*) I feel that it is about time i told them. I'm currently putting myself in a worse place than i probably would be if they knew. I know my friends are very supportive of gay people in general, several of them ARE gay/lesbian themselves. This i will admit is actually something which puts me off the idea, not the 'will they accept me?' stuff that most people go through, more a 'wtf do i do when one of them starts hitting on me?' part. Weird though it may seem, i am actually somewhat homophobic Outwardly gay people scare me. I guess i just don't get it, i see no point in advertising myself so blatantly. As for your crush, from the sounds of it, telling him your gay seems like a good path. Only if you are up to it of course. If he really is as good a friend as you make it sound, he should be just as accepting. Also, this will let him know you are gay, which may make him comfortable enough to talk about whether he is or not. I don't suggest asking him out directly without knowing for sure. This is harder than it may sound. I barely talk to my parents as it is right now, i spend most of my time in my room reading and on the net. I have two younger sisters, one of them is a year younger than me and Bipolar. The other is 11 and has ADHD. As far as my parents are concerned, i'm the only "normal" child they have. It makes me feel so bad whenever they tell me this. They're so wrong. I agree that I need help. I just don't know how to go about getting it, and i don't want to be yet another problem child for my parents to deal with. I'm the 'responsible' one here. Heh... I'm pretty sure he is gay. I just haven't heard him say the words out loud. To tell the truth, he is only really my friend by association, however he's very... persistent? about being my friend. I don't even like him really, i'm just too nice to tell him to get lost. It makes me feel horrible though, because i know he probably likes me, but i'm just letting him keep going. I think i will confront him about it, and ask him to leave me alone. Thanks... Kaleb.
First of all, take some (*hug*)(*hug*) from me too! Well, there can be two reasons not to come out: "Will they accept me?" And "What if things change for the worse?" And both bear considering. Though in the end usually neither are a big deal. As for what to do when one starts hitting on you... you just tell them you're not interested. Just the same as you would do if some girl would hit on you. If all of them would start hitting on you at once, it's really a luxury problem :icon_wink I think you should tell molre people. Especially the non-straight ones. Several of them have been where you are now. And while just alking might not entirely cure your depression, it relieves pent-up thoughts that you are left with otherwise. It's not really weird. I used to be that way before I came out to more people too. Now I realise that part of it was jealousy. I felt that they had no right being all that open about it when it was such a disaster for me. But since then I found out twso things: firstly, this is good for them that they can live their life without needing to hold themselves back emotionally. Secondly, there are a lot of gay people that are not very flamboyant about it. And there's nothing forcing you to act in a different manner from the way you acted before. Being the responsible one sucks royally. Trust me, I know. I'm the "responsible one" too. But there is a limit to this. If it becomes detrimental to yourself, you should really either talk this through or find other help, because this can't go on forever. Also, being depressed is much more easily treatable than bipolarity, and being bi or gay shouldn't be a problem at all in the first place. Also, being responsible does not equal being the perfect actor in other people's lives! Good luck, and keep faith that things will be better eventually! (*hug*)
Wow - ya - you've got a bunch of stuff going on. I'm a parent. You're parents are responsible for your wellbeing. Not the other way around. If you need help, then you tell them. It is not your responsibility to be 'normal' just to make your parents happy. And just because you're sisters were deemed to be 'not-normal' before you, doesn't mean you have to fend for yourself. (That doesn't sound quite right, but you know what I mean, right? To be honest, I think 'normal' = 'screwed up' and 'perfect' = 'not-normal'! So don't be so hard on yourself.) Remember too though that your mood is to some extent your responsibility. You need to let go of certain things, and not set expectations for yourself or for others that leads to disappointment. Life isn't going to be perfect for anyone - including you. The sooner we accept that, the better our life is going to be. With respect to your friends at school - you might need to go out of your way to stay in touch with them if they aren't in your classes. Rather than post about it here, send them a quick 'Hi there!' note. They have noticed that you're not yourself. Rather than isolating yourself further, reach out to them. Stay in touch. With your crush - maybe it's time you told him that you're gay. Get it over with. You're driving yourself crazy over something that is entirely in your head. So come out to him. Don't tell him right away how you feel about him, but ask him how he feels about you being gay. If he's cool with it, then you still have a friend in him. If he comes out to you, even better. If he freaks out and doesn't want to hang out any more, then you've at least determined if he's gay or not, and you can move on with your life. (I really doubt that the latter will happen.) The tickly friend? Well, if you're not that close with him, why were you sleeping over? Don't do that any more. Problem solved. Lastly, you can always PM me if you want to talk about stuff. I don't like the thought of anyone feeling so alone and depressed. I've been there, and know what it's like.
