9 years into a straight relationship and I just realized I'm gay

Congratulations on coming out to your best friend. So glad she's supportive.

Please don't fall into the trap of concerning yourself if he might harm himself. That is a sign of a serious problem that is all his responsibility. It's also a form of abuse. Perhaps you may want to arrange marriage counseling and tell him there with someone present who can help redirect him away from a self-destructive tantrum. However you tell him I think you should have some safety backup of some sort.

That said this is sort of good news for him. You figured it out before having kids. He gets let off the hook (somewhat) for your lack of interest in sex. And, it will hurt, but you can have an amicable split and he can find someone who is actually into him in a way you weren't able to be.
Try also posting in the later in life section. Lots of us married people in there. Best of luck.

 

Welcome to EC!

As Zen has pointed out, there is no way to do this without some pain and tears on his end. Prolonging it will simply make it more painful. So you'll need to start letting him know. Tell him what you told us. The drawing of women parts as a child, the wanting to peek into the changing rooms, your rather disinterest in heterosexual sex, and your great enjoyment of having another woman in bed. This is bound to be traumatic for him, but it will free him up to find somebody who CAN love him and find him just as sexually alluring as he finds her.

Lex

 

Second the comments above. Congratulations on coming out to your best friend and for writing it all down here! That took a lot of courage and introspection.

I've never been in a nine-year relationship, but I know that I find secrets to be more painful than the secret itself. The longer you wait, the more painful it will get for both of you (that being said: if you really don't feel ready, no one should push anyone to out themselves before they are ready!). I also think that there is just no way of knowing how he will react - it's amazing how unpredictable coming out is. I agree with the comment above that this delivery is really good (and truthful) - this is about you, and about you before he was even in the picture (he didn't turn you gay lol). Also, breakups don't have to be this all-out schism. They can be much more complex, and you don't have to leave each other's lives.

EC is a great resource, as well as local LGBTQ organisations (there often are coming out groups that are anonymous).

 

Remember YOU are not alone! There are many gay people out there that are in hetro relationships for various reasons. It has taken me 30 years to finally start accepting that I am not straight.
Dean

 

First :welcome: to EC!

You'll find a lot of us married for many years just accepting we are gay in the Later in Life section. I know you are only 28 but just know there are plenty of us here who have lived long married lives then finally coming out.

Congrats on your coming out! I know you didn't say you were married, but 9 years can seem like a lifetime. Like others have said, it is best do come out to him sooner rather than later. Once you are honest with him, you can work on the next part which is him accepting it as real, and planning what you are going to do next.

Spouses of closeted gays go through there own stages once they are told about their gay spouse. I came out in December to my husband after 14years of being together. He goes back and forth through anger, confusion, bartering, right now he is in the 'I can fix this' stage.

Any time you want to talk, I am here. You can post on my wall if you want and I will respond with any questions you have or just so you can vent. It's a journey and we each go through our own. There are so many helpful, wonderful people here at EC.

 

Wow reading your story really hit home to me. I'm basically in the same situation minus the threesome (and I'm male). Ive been in a hetero relationship for 8 years and have recently come to a similar realisation. I'm probably not the best for advice as I'm still yet to build up the courage to tell my spouse, but I think writing it all down helps, so when you do come out to him you'll be well rehearsed. Good luck (*hug*)

 

Welcome to EC! And congratulations for figuring out your sexuality.

I have never been in your situation, but I can relate to some of the things that you are saying. I wish you well on your journey.

 

Congratulations on coming out! I'm so glad your best friend is so supportive.

Your partner, however, is probably manipulating you. When people say that you're the only reason they're alive, that's basically manipulation. He sounds extremely insecure, and he needs to seek a therapist. Even if you weren't gay, someone like him would still bring you down. He needs to find happiness in himself. This is your life, and you should not be worried about what he chooses to do because you wish to live your life to the fullest. It's very sweet that you care about him and that you worry, but you deserve true love. He deserves that, too. Right now, you're both not in a fulfilling relationship.

Can you tell me about how you first met? What were the feelings like then?

 

Wow! Congrats on coming out!
I posted somewhere here about the spouse/partner stages of grief when we come out to them. I'll look for it and post it.

Be careful with the closeness for a while. It could put him in a denial of your truth or believe you will still be together. Do you know what you are going to do next?

 

That's so great to hear Stormtrooper (!)congrats!!!

But what Bunny said here is very true... be careful, I have first hand experience with this myself, it turned out ok but it also seemed to drag the grief process out for my wife a bit. It's certainly fine rate now but watch in the coming weeks and months, try to slowly but steadily distance yourself.

Just keep moving forward one step at a time, even if there just baby steps that's fine as long as there forward!!! (&&&)

 

sup

 

Wow StormTrooper. Well that's one way to do it I guess. Don't stress over it because there's really no good way to come out to a spouse. I would parrot what the previous posts said about being careful how you move forward. It can be very easy to give false hope even without meaning to. You've had more time to come to terms. He obviously still loves you and was looking forward to a lifetime together. That's going to be tough to let go and he'll cling to any hope he can find.
Proceed with caution when it comes to sex or other intimacy. That can really throw both of you for a loop and there's a pretty good chance you'll run into that. When it happens you should consider putting it into context for him because he will think maybe you were confused or bi or something. Throughout this process he may need you to reinforce for him what your orientation is. Just remember that you don't do him or you any favors by downplaying your orientation to spare his feelings.

 

Congratulations!! It is huge to be able to be open and honest with your partner and others close to you. I'm happy for you.