Writing this post is incredibly hard for me. To be honest it's the first time i've even expressed being gay to anybody. I've realised that i was gay since i was thirteen and haven't been able to get past the thought that something is wrong with me. it feels like i'm never going to have the strength to come out as gay. Even telling close famly who i know would accept me still scares the hell out of me. Am i wrong to feel this way and what can i do about it? Keeping such a big part of me locked away is becoming incredibly lonely.
Many people feel this way when they start coming to terms with being gay. You are not at all wrong to feel this way, society teaches us that we should feel this way but it is wrong. What can you do about it? Come out to yourself and when you feel like you can, come out to the people who are important to you. Keeping this secret is unhealthy, I know because I kept the same secret for over 13 years. If your close family will accept you then I encourage you to come out but only if you have reached a certain level of self acceptance already.
This is the 5th year, for me being in the closet, and only came out to 4 people (at the end of the last year), can you please tell me what unhealthy things you mean? because for me I haven't reached the self acceptance, and the reason I came out to these people is, first I knew they would accept it, and second I thought they could teach me how to accept it (plus I was depressed and feeling lonely), they were doing their best, but recently I'm not seeing anyone of them, like literally each one is living somewhere else, so at the moment I am closeted again... and I am realizing it's affecting my way of studying and functioning, and concentrating on my life, I lost the will to study and I am bored and playing video games all the time, when I am supposed to study. Tho I wish I had accepting parents like yours @Someamerican, I would've been so happy , I felt the same way you are feeling now, but when I came to terms of my sexuality I was 15 or 16 maybe, when I really found out I am more attracted to guys, still not fully accepting and feel depressed sometimes, but not as I used to be, I am still scared too, and I've read alot about health stuff regarding this issue, which is why I am asking @Totesgaybrah about them, because he mentioned it, and I kinda started feeling these things, are affecting my will of doing important things or doing my responsibility in life. The thing is that our parents and society make us feel that way as @Totesgaybrah said, which is a wrong thing, because we came to the world like that, and we cannot change, the thing is, they don't get that.
Welcome Someamerican, and I want to commend you for 'coming out somewhere'--even if it's just on this site. It's still a step! Especially toward self acceptance. In your post you mention how you feel you will 'never have the strength to come out as gay.' But really it's probably taking up much more strength (and it's just mentally taxing!) NOT coming out, and feeling that you need to hide this part of you. I have found that being secretive just reinforces the sense of feeling 'wrong'. And believe me I am no expert at any of this--in my late 40's I have acknowledged I am a lesbian and have come out to a few family and friends (but not fully out--still working on all this!). I do know though that since I came out to some people I am feeling better about me. Not sure how to describe it, I just feel somehow 'lighter', like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I noticed too that once this weight was off my shoulders, things seemed to get a bit better in a lot of areas of my life. I'm a runner-my running improved, my workplace doesn't annoy me as much anymore-just little things like that. Not that my coming out thus far has been completely rosy, a few members of my family have been pretty judgmental, they don't get it, and aren't supportive. But that's their stuff... Maybe you would feel more comfortable coming out to people further out from your family/normal social circle at first? I did this and it was good 'practice'. My brother was the first person I came out to--but I knew he would be safe and supportive. So after that I told people I know through my gym which is located outside of my city. I'm 'gym friends' with these people but they are not connected in any way to my 'real' social circle. I just started mentioning 'my girlfriend' in conversation, saying when I thought a girl was cute etc. That type of stuff. Some said they were surprised I was gay though none cared at all. It really helped me to reveal myself in this non-threatening way at first!
Well, to start, nothing is wrong with you. You were lucky enough to end up gay, not deaf, not autistic not dyslexic, not blind. Just gay, well me too I'm gay too, just like you. You can hide it all your life if you want? I did and it was not that great. Always dodging questions and avoiding social situations, the paranoia of wondering who's talking about you behind your back. The key though is to accept yourself first, come out to you. You have to be happy with who you are first. Look at yourself in a mirror, smile and tell yourself that you are okay with being gay. Being gay is such a small piece of the pie of life. Be confident in yourself in everything you do in life, family and friends careers and interests. Take some time and really focus on accepting yourself first. Once you can do that and be confident about it then consider coming out to people you love and trust, your friends and family. If you can't that's okay too. There is no right or wrong with any decision you make. Maybe you want to talk to a councillor about it? I waited until I was 47, I kept that secret from everyone and buried it deep inside my mind. I regret doing that, I was miserable, I don't want to see the same thing happen to others and so that's why I reach out to people struggling with it. Just do whatever you think is going to make you happy! Good luck with whatever decision you make and I hope you have a great life!
Keeping this secret is bad for our mental health as you indicated in your own post. It puts extra stress on you which can affect you in various ways. Before I came out being gay was all I could think about, it kind of consumed me, I had trouble sleeping and had really bad anxiety around my parents and certain friends.
Someamerican.... Are we twins? Because I felt exactly like you do and, truth be told there are literally thousands who have also felt exactly the same way. You are so not alone! I knew I was different from the age of about 8 on. By 15 I knew what it was and I hid from everybody, including myself to a degree, for 50 more years. At age 65 I came out...HERE on EC. Dec. 25th 2015 at 9:08 pm! It was the most difficult thing I have ever done and it was done trying to see through a Niagara of tears. But that post (it's still here on EC, you can look it up if you like) started me on the path that has made all the difference in my life. I have learned that there was NOTHING WRONG with me, as there is nothing wrong with you. Some of us are born this way, it is perfectly natural and normal for us to be gay. Trying to be straight is not normal and will only bring more pain and anguish the longer you try to be what you are not. Please believe me - I know. I tried for so many years and it nearly destroyed me and those around me. THERE.IS.NO.REASON.TO.BE.ASHAMED!! I thought I was broken, evil, a pervert, useless and hopeless. But I am not - I was taught that by society and by the church. You are not wrong, not broken, just as I wasn't. You are a unique, special person....there is absolutely nothing wrong with you - society is what is wrong. Thank goodness society is changing albeit slowly. I understand how hard it can be, even to just make a post here on EC, but keep it up. A little at a time - just a short post every day or two. It will get easier and there are so many people here who will be willing to help you. You can post a message to me on my wall any time and I WILL write back. Being gay does not make you less of a person. In it's own way it will make you a much better person! Those of us who have realized that we are different learn to look inside ourselves and find out why we feel the way we do. We know so much more about ourselves than the average straight guy/girl who have never spent a minute thinking about why they do things, why they say things, why they are the way they are. After two years of learning more about my self (with the help of a fantastic counselor/therapist) I am so much more comfortable with who I am. It may sound odd, but I am glad I am gay...because of it I have learned to accept myself. I am so much more at peace with myself now than I have ever been before. That can happen to you too. You have started down the LGBTQ path, having accepted that you are gay. The first part of that path can be pretty rough. But as time goes by and you work thru those feelings of being broken and ashamed, the feelings that something is wrong with you. You will discover the beautiful person that you really are. You are important, you are special, you are a beautiful person...don't let anyone tell you that you are not. Being gay is not an evil aberration, it is a GIFT that is given to only a few of us....David
Which is why I asked you, I wanted to know if this is because of that, and WOW dude this is accurate, I mean now all I think about is my future as gay, how would people around me accept me and friends and family and I have this incredible anxiety of society, and depression is consuming me. I guess it's why I can't concentrate on my studies. I am so tired of this, and want to come out to my friends at least soon, I'm done with this bullshit, if my friends are really true friends they would accept me no matter what. thanks for replying, your respond encouraged me now to do this so badly. <3 and sorry if I turned this thread to something else, just saw he mentioned some stuff about health and really wanted to read this from someone else
I wouldn't come out until you feel like your ready to. I mean i imagine it will always be scary, but it sounds like if you're still struggling with accepting it that you aren't ready yet. But if you have a friend or coworker or relative - anybody - who you know would be okay with it, perhaps having even one person to confide in who can support you would help, if help is what you feel like you need. I'm still at the 'accepting your sexuality' stage of things so i know i'm not ready. I can say though if/when i do come out it would probably be to coworkers. I feel more accepted by my coworkers and supervisors than my own family. If i side mentioned my sexuality to anybody it would be somebody at work in passing, probably. I don't do confrontation. In fact my goal is to (specifics aside) move out within the year so i can come out and live out. I want to explore what to me feels like a new part of me, i just don't feel like i can do that if i live at home. And cause i'm pretty sure one of the supervisors at work has said he's gay and nobody else has a problem with it, i think they wouldn't have a problem with me either.
