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Too scared to come out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Justbeingrandom, Feb 9, 2017.

  1. Justbeingrandom

    Regular Member

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    Something like a year ago I came to accept the fact that I was attracted to women. I had been suspecting it for several years but last year was when I finally accepted it for myself. Ever since then I have been wanting to come out to my close family and friends, since I hated the feeling that I was constantly lying to them or hiding something from them (which I technically am in a way). The first time I tried to tell my mother I chickened out. And then that was followed by a string of “missed opportunities” to come out. I suspect this is because I have no self-confidence and automatically assume I will be hated or thrown aside if I told people the truth. This has gotten worse since I recently moved away from home and if I lose the friends I have here, then I will literally have no-one.
    I am really at a loss for what to do. I do want to come out since having to constantly police what I say and pretend to be someone I’m not is starting to get to me. It's led to me being constantly irritable and to shut myself away from people. I feel like the way things are I will never be able to come out because I just don’t know how to stop being terrified of losing the people that I care about.
     
  2. bibi

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    I'm going through something similar <3 It's hard, because it never seems like the right time to tell anyone! I'm also about to move away from home to a new city and I want to be open about myself there but I need to tell my friends and family first. We can do it!
     
  3. I'm gay

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    Hi Justbeingrandom,

    I empathize with what you are going through, and believe me, I have been there as well. I know the feeling of being terrified at losing everyone in my life if I came out. I felt like I had so much to lose - my friends, my kids, my wife, my co-workers. If I couldn't accept being gay, why would anyone else accept me, I thought.

    Those fears and worries were what kept me in the closet for 35 years.

    In the couple of years before I came out I developed anxiety and depression. I had stopped caring about anything in life - my hobbies and interests, my kids, my job, my relationships. I had reached a point in my life where I simply could no longer continue to stay closeted. It was either come out or die for me.

    I hope you don't have to reach that point.

    My experience in coming out has been that NO ONE rejected me. Not one person in my life rejected me. Sure, it was difficult for some to accept for a bit - my wife, my kids, my family - but over a relatively short time, all of them have come to total acceptance and I am finally at peace with myself.

    I can't promise you that you will find the same level of acceptance in your life, but I can tell you that all of your fears of rejection are just that - your fears, and not reality. It is scary to come out, certainly. Terrifying even.

    I would suggest that you start small - one person that you know will be accepting. Each time that you come out to someone it gets easier. I am now out to everyone in my life and have personally come out to dozens of people. I can assure you that it gets easier with time.

    Be patient with yourself. Before last June, I honestly believed that I would take my secret to the grave with me. Now I can't imagine ever being closeted again.

    Do you think you could take a baby step here and come out to just one person?

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride: