Hey guys this is my first post and I'm a little nervous so I'll try and keep everything concise! Basically ever since I realized I was gay which was 6th grade I've struggled with accepting who I am. I'm currently 24 about to be 25 and I'm still in the closet and it really scares me that I'll never have the courage to be fully out. When I first realized I was gay I was in big denial and basically forced myself to watch straight porn and to convince myself that I was attracted to the women in the videos and not the men. For a while this worked, but I knew I was fooling myself, and this is when my depression started to kick in and I tried to pray to god (even though I'm not remotely religious) pretty much for a whole year everyday to help me get rid of these thoughts. Now I was able to somewhat snap out of my depression, and kind of just putting being gay on the back burner and to really not think about it. I tried to always play off how attracted to women I was by making comments to my friends and such. People though always had their suspicions about me being gay because I guess I had some gay tendencies, but overall I do have a very low voice and I didn't fit the typical "mold" of what a gay man was at the time. I definitely wouldn't say I was bullied throughout high school but I was definitely called gay and fa**ot and other names by people who I guess thought I was gay, but I would never confirm it and my friends would stick up for me and defend me. Anyway enter college which is where things get somewhat interesting. I thought for sure that college would pretty much force me to come out, but it really didn't. I kept kind of living my same life, where I would hang out with friends, go out and party, but I wouldn't ever hook up with anyone. I thought for sure my friends would think that was weird and realize that I was gay. And a few definitely thought it, but in the end I think my friends put those thoughts aside and thought I was just extremely extremely shy around women. Anyway now we're getting to the end of my freshman year where I'm 19 and I'm getting a lot of hints from my one friend who is a women about me being gay. She had a lot of gay friends, and was my best friend in college and I felt like at this point in my life I had to tell someone, as it was eating away at me, just having this secret for so long and not telling anyone. That day was probably the most awkward/confusing/hardest day of my life. I remember basically telling her I wanted to tell her something and we went up to her room where we basically sat in silence for around 5 minutes. I knew at this point that there was no turning back as she pretty much already knew what was going on and I finally in the lowest voice was able to tell her that I was gay. We ended up talking a little more and how long and all this other stuff, but nothing ever too too deep. I thought that telling my friend would be freeing and would pretty much make me feel amazing and able to tell others. But it kind of had the opposite effect on me. I fell pretty depressed after telling her and I basically started thinking non stop about being gay and what it meant and how people would perceive me. It got to the point where I stopped drinking and hanging out with my friends because I was nervous about spilling my secret. The year ended and I was able to snap out of it over the summer, but my feelings of coming out never changed. I remember reading and watching SO many videos about coming out and just how liberating it is. I think for me, I was expecting this weight to just be lifted off my shoulders and that I would be able to live my life finally, but that didn't come. I ended up telling another friend early sophomore year of college who was a girl, who also had a lot of gay friends who I knew would be completely okay with me being gay and she had a similar response to the first friend I told. My feelings though after telling her still didn't change much about coming out. I think I just ended up being even more and more confused about my thoughts and feelings and how I would be perceived. Whenever my two friends brought up the issue of coming out or talking about being gay, I kind of pushed it to the side and tried to change subjects. I clearly wasn't really okay and ready I think to come out, and I'm not sure if that was because I myself still hadn't fully accepted being okay with being gay (even to this day). So I pretty much go all throughout college living this life of going out hanging out with my friends, but never hooking up with anyone ever and just living my life. My friends obviously knew I wasn't doing anything sexually with anyone or having girlfriends, but they never really brought it up to me, as I think they knew I was uncomfortable with talking about it. So at this point I think my friends do either know I'm gay, or think I'm just really shy. I've talked to my friend who I came out to and she pretty much told me she heard both of those ideas from my friends, and that in the end most of my friends didn't really think I was gay because I never confirmed it. Now Today, I'm almost 3 years out of college and I'm still at the SAME point I was at almost 6 years ago and it's really been weighing on me. How is it that I come out of the closet to two friends 6 years ago, but still cannot come out to anyone else after that and how does it make me feel worse about myself. It got to a point where I really just put off thinking about being gay and having a relationship, telling myself that I'll try in a year and then a year becomes 2 and so on. I come to a point where I'm really not thinking about it anymore, just trying to live life and really be happy with my current situation and then BAM. I get into an extremely bad accident, with some injuries. I really thought in the moment of the accident was occurring that I was going to die. This happened around 4 months ago and it's really made me think ever since this accident that I don't want to die with everyone not knowing who I really am and me not being happy and having ever not had a relationship. I've thought on multiple occasions of telling my friends but I always chicken out. I think with me it all comes down to a few things where I really just want people to treat me the same, and I am nervous that some of my friends won't talk to me again or will for sure treat me differently. I really just want people's approval and to like me and it freaks me out that someone might not like me for being gay. I've been hiding this part of me for so long that it really does eat away at me, and recently I've become extremely distracted in all moments of my life just thinking about coming out and what it all means. I feel like I'm wasting my life away and every year is going to make it harder and harder for me to come out. I pretty much have no experience being with guys and I'm almost 25, and it really makes me upset that I"m at this point. Apart of me also thinks that having to constantly come out is just going to be too much and too hard. It's like opening up the same wound over and over again, but I fear I won't be able to move on until everyone knows in my life. I don't know what to do anymore and it's really hard for me to keep thinking constantly about this, and I don't want to be alone anymore. I want someone who will be there for me emotionally and that I can open up to and tell them anything. Does anyone have any advice for someone who came out to a few people, but then went back in the closet for a long time like me? How were you able to then get the courage to finally come completely out? I really just want to be happy and not have this feeling that I'm always hiding something. Sorry for such a long post, I kind of kept rambling and it felt good to write this all out, I've never really told anyone some of this stuff and it really does feel good to share. I will definitely be reading all my responses and thank you to anyone in advance who reads this and gives me any sort of advice.
First off, don't worry about the length of your posts. I know how good it can feel to let it all out, and trust me it's good for you. Always feel free to talk as much as needed Second, I felt the same way when I came out to my parents and friends. I expected it to be some big thing and with my friends, it just happened and I was kind of like "oh, okay" once it was over. My parents don't accept me, so that's a whole different story, but point is, I think it's something about not being able to tell everyone. Like you said, that's for many reasons whether it be because you don't see everyone often, or you are afraid of not being able to be treated "normally", and so on. I don't think you should ever force yourself to come out to someone, but it really is a big secret that can impact you negatively if you have to constantly suppress all signs of it. I came out to my one friend about 3 years ago and only came out to my mom (who was the most recent since my other friend) a few months ago. The thing that gave me the courage to do it was honestly just the anxiety and depression it was causing me. I was kind of hoping for some big acceptance thing and a miraculous outcome like you always hear about, but I didn't get that. However, that was still what gave me the motivation to come out because I was sick and tired of hiding one of the biggest things in my life from so many people. The only way that I am aware of to get rid of the hiding something feeling is to tell people (which sucks, I know). The main thing is to make sure you always do it at your own pace and just remember that you come first. If I left anything out you were hoping to hear about, feel free to respond here or post on my wall and I'd be glad to talk with you about this (or anything else) at any point. I hope I helped a bit and I wish you the best of luck in case we don't speak again much love <3
Thank you so much for your post it was definitely very helpful to read. I think you're spot on about what drove you to come out to your mom and what is driving me to come out now. I'm still not sure if I was even really ready when I did it 6 years ago which might be why it's been taking me so long. I think now I'm definitely in a better place emotionally where I could accept someone treating me differently. Coming out I think is something that I think I need to realize is natural and that I can't control how others are going to react. I think the only thing holding me back now is kind of not feeling this great burden lifted off me like I didn't before. But I think it'll become less and less of this overwhelming feeling once I do start to come out to more and more people.
I think sometimes part of the discrepancy in the way people describe the feeling of coming out is a discrepancy in what activity people are actually talking about. I had the sense of a great weight lifted, the kind of reaction it seems you expected. For me it was about not keeping the secret any more. I told my parents at 21 or so (some twenty five years ago) and from there I just accepted that everyone else would know. And it was like I could finally breathe. The sense of relief was immense--it was scary (they were different times) but it was more exhilarating than anything else. On the other hand had I told them and then still tried to keep the secret (i.e. tried to control the info, pick a list of people who knew) I don't think I would have felt any of that. When you just tell a couple people, you're still keeping the secret, now you're just doing it poorly. I think it makes sense for that to make one more anxious rather than less. I am confident that when you finally come to that place where you really are alright with everyone knowing, that you'll feel that relief you're after--even if you don't actually tell them. You'll get there...
Part of the ordeal of being in the closet is that keeping this secret actually has an effect on your personality, it affects your friendships, it affects how you approach life. You mentioned that being liked was important to you, the question is: who is the person that your friends like? So many of us current and former "closetnauts" want to be liked, we could not stand even the possibility of being anything other than "normal", because in reality, we live in a highly conformist culture, where being different in any significant way can mean being "less than" normal. The relief that OGS talks about is absolutely real, it is a revolution that goes on primarily in one's own head, and it leads you to the fundamental task for all human beings to undergo: to become who you are. This internal revolution cannot be adequately described in words, which is why, until you do come out, you will have to take it on faith. Once you come out, your friends and family will see a different person in you; you will change in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. You are young, you aren't able at this point in your life to realize just how short life is, but trust me, you are given only one chance at it. So carpe diem!, seize the day! Grab that bull by the horns (and various other clichés) and do it this weekend! Make it the first thing you say, get it over with, life is meant to be lived in truth!
My story is exactly like yours, except I am 22 YO, and I came out to 4 people, and then got closeted again because each one of them went to study somewhere else, and that's when I felt exactly the same feelings you're feeling, constantly thinking about it, and it's affecting my studies, plus a great depression and anxiety of ending up alone, and my friends to treat me differently, exactly like you, I remember when I came out to the first friend, it took me 20 mins to tell him, he kinda figured it out when we sat in silent, I was crying my heart out, and every time I wanted to tell him, I cried even more, it was incredibly hard, I ended up, not saying the word, and told him to say it, and he did, and I broke down in tears. yeah but right now, I am closeted again, since these 4 people aren't here anymore, and I so want to tell my best friend now (I am thinking to do it soon), because it's killing me to keep it as a secret, at least from the person I spend my time the most with. I am still struggling to accept it, and too scared of ruining the best friendship I have ever had. but I think it's worth a shot, and if he's really my friend he would accept me, the reason I am doing this, is because I trust my friend so much, and feel that this will make me concentrate again on my responsibilities and studies and the way I used to function in life before coming to terms of my sexuality. I am so tired and mentally exhausted, and stressed, and can't study(I have exam in two days and still haven't done anything, because I am constantly reading things from here, and coming out stuff, and listening to a really depressing music, and so worried and tired..etc), as all I think about is this sexuality and how scary my life is to me right now. I also tried praying a lot (I am christian), and apparently , you can't change it, society just don't understand this. the most thing that I thank God for right now, about my sexuality, is that he created me to be gay, and not my brothers/sisters, I don't want them to live scared like I am doing right now I wish you the best my friend <3 and hope we all feel better in the future.
Hey funnyman, I don't know if I've ever related so much to a post on here just know you're not alone. I'm a few years younger than you but like you I'm only out to one person, and although they took it well I'm terrified to come out to anyone else. So I can't really give you much advice. I will say though that you said you want to find someone who will be there for you and who you can talk to honestly. And I understand that completely. I know it sounds like a big step but maybe you could try signing up for a gay dating site. It's not really like coming out because it's just a bunch of random people. And if you find someone that can turn into something special it could be worth it. That person might also help you come out to everyone else, if you find someone that truly means something to you you might be more inclined to tell everyone about them. I signed up for one a couple weeks ago and although I haven't found anyone yet I think it's a positive step to accepting myself idk. Just a suggestion.
As for the experiance part, in my case I learnt that pretty quick. I only came to the realisation I like men recently, and with no prior experience I've learnt it all quick so it seems on 8 weeks. As for your coming out, my advice is to tell those you only feel like, and go on living your own life if you truly want to be happy. It is pretty liberating, just don't look back. "Be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind"
Thanks everyone for the great responses it definitely helps knowing there are others out there in similar situations. Rch1, I've always thought of joining a dating site, and felt that maybe if I just met that person and then felt comfortable being in a relationship, then that could give me the courage to come out. I definitely think that is my next step in moving forward, it's just hard because I live in an area around my old high school and would be nervous about maybe an ex classmate seeing me on these sites. My school was very clicky and gossipy, still are to this day. So I really just don't want to be outed by a screenshot of me on dating sites. I'm just such a down to earth, no drama kinda guy I don't want to make a big splash by coming out. I just want to tell the people close to me and then to everyone else it's just oh I didn't know that about you, that's cool. I think my next step is to just start slowly coming out to a few more people and then really telling my friends that I know will maybe not take it the best and understand. I do have a few guy friends that I am nervous about telling because they have never had gay friends. I feel like if I got their approval then I'd finally be able to move on. I've come to a point in my life where I'm just thinking a lot of, is it worth it to hold back on so many things in life, over being gay? The answer is obviously no, and now it just comes down to what I think the best thing to do moving forward is, and the unknown frightens me but I think we all have to realize that not everyone may accept us, and if they don't then we have to move on, respect that and be okay with it. I think just even coming on to this site and sharing my feelings and thoughts has helped tremendously. Never having really expressed any of my feelings to anyone before was really hard and I already feel a lot better about my situation knowing that others are in similar situations. It's still scary to think about what the future holds with coming out, but I do think I have a clearer picture now and I just can't back down. I need to move forward and just be who I really am.
