I've been in the closet for years, since i was 14-15 and found out that I was gay. Now I'm 28, and i've still not managed to be open. But I have really wanted to come out for many years. The endless thinking about whether to tell someone, how to tell them, and the sneaking around to be sure no one sees me if I'm meeting with a guy is just taking up to much brain capacity. It makes me mentally exhausted and depressed, and I have come to the point where I just can't go on like this. It's either to choose to come out, or to destroy my life and my mental health. I'm though so fearful and closeted that I'm afraid I might end up with the latter :-/ Now I've been dating a guy for 3-4 months, and it's going really well. He is completely open to his parents and friends, so we are at different levels here. I feel that I need to make a choice about coming out if I want to really enjoy a relationship, and I have a really bad conscience towards him, because of the fact that I'm not being open about our relationship to anyone (introducing him to friends etc.). I just have no idea how to find courage to come out, and even less idea of how to do it. I have no friends who I feel it would be natural to take such a private talk with. And every time I'm close to getting outed I totally freeze and try every possibility to escape it. My friends are quite exclusively males, and even though I think they would handle it, I just can't see myself telling them.... If someone has an advice to how to open up to my friends in a good way (preferably not such an formal way), and also on how to talk to the guy I'm dating about my fears, then I would really appreciate it
The best way to come out is to start with, "I have to tell you something" because after that, there is no backing out. Also, if you get cold feet, just think about how much easier it will be on you once you don't have to sneak around. And as for your partner, just be honest with them and tell them how you are feeling; that you're nervous and want to be more open about your relationship. I hope this helped.
People act because the status quo, the situation as it is now, is no longer tolerable. In other words, you may find the courage to act when you can no longer tolerate living a lie. By coming out, you may lose some friends, but if you do, they were not your friends. You may lose other things, like status, or respect from some people...but consider this important fact: we feel losses about twice as intensely as we experience gains, even though the gains often outweigh the losses! You need to really think about the gains and think less about what you could possibly lose, The most important gain is no longer hiding your boyfriend in the closet (which is what you are effectively doing), he may tolerate that for a while, but not necessarily a long while. Other gains would include being open to making new friends in the community, enjoying the lifestyle without hiding, etc. As always, be safe, and come out to those whom you know will likely accept you. They will talk about it for about 24-48 hours, then they will forget and get on with their own urgent lives. For most people, your coming out will not affect them in any real way.
It would probably be hypocritical for me to give you advice. But I'll share my story with you. I'm not out to my family. I still haven't come out because I feel that they will be disappointed and it'll create a space of awkwardness. But I still manage to keep a positive attitude. I think you should come out when you feel most comfortable.
It's time, dude. There's no magic formula - it's just you deciding that being yourself is more important, and then committing to coming out. Courage is simply acting on your decisions despite your fears. Make the decision that you being the authentic you and finally happy for the first time in a long time is the most important thing in the world to you - here at 28 years old. I promise you, as a 48 year old just-out gay man, the time is now. GreatWhale has it correct when he suggested to you that people act because they can't tolerate the current situation any longer. I hope you don't have to reach that point because it's a difficult place to be, though it sounds like from your post that you're nearly there. If you are financially and physically independent, then you owe it to yourself to come out to your family and friends. Unless you have a family that regularly makes homophobic remarks, or friends who do, then there's the greatest likelihood that it will all go well. Ultimately, your family and friends love you. Even if some of them need some time to get used to the idea that you're gay, they eventually will. Will it be awkward for a bit? Sure. But the short-lived feeling of awkwardness beats the long-term feeling of the closet. Finally, in my experience, I had to come to the point where I no longer cared what anyone thought of me. I had resolved that they were going to think whatever they were going to think - and I have no control over that. I wish you well in your journey. Take care. ride:
Have you thought about just introducing the guy you're dating as your boyfriend and not just as a friend? That way there is no need to say the words "i am gay" to anyone. They will see it and if they ask you, you can just say "yes" which is sooo much easier:eusa_danc
Thanks for all the answers! I know that I'm somehow hiding my boyfriend in the closet, and he doesn't deserve that. That's my greatest motivation for coming out. But as you say "come out to those you know will likely accept you" - in my case I have no one like that. I have a bunch of distant friends and just 2-3 good friends. But I don't really feel like I can call them close friends. We rarely talk about personal stuff. And I don't feel sure that anyone of them will take this very well. So for me it just feels extremely unnatural to bring up my sexuality as a conversation topic, when I normally never talk to them about my private life at all. So I really need some practical ideas how to bring it up/let them know in a natural way. And preferably a way where I won't freak out, because I'm really bad at communicating when I'm nervous. My family will 100% surely take it very badly, but that's another issue.
I would like to suggest that you try to find a support system of other like-minded folks. See if your city has a support group for LGBTQIA, see about getting involved in the community, find new gay friends, etc. Making new friends through those outlets and having a support system to talk to about these feelings in a safe and comfortable atmosphere can help give you the strength and confidence you need to come out, and help pick you up if things don't go as well as you planned. My local community is very small, but a few queer friends and I have started to build a group of queer ladies who get together now and again and carry on a group chat on FB that provides us all with a close-knit support system. We are all at different points in our journeys, so there are so many helping hands when anyone needs it.
