1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I feel unnatural

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Polaris, Apr 14, 2009.

  1. Polaris

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2008
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi there,

    I'm sorry for starting off my first ever post here with something so silly but...I'm quite upset because I know for lack of a better word I am "not straight" and it's...upsetting me.

    A bit on my background...since I was young, I've always really liked girls. It wasn't until I was 12 I started wondering if the way I liked my girl friends was perhaps different then the way the felt about me. Well, I figured out at 14 that it was, freaked out and went into huge denial.

    Anyways, flash forward 6 years after a long (I apologize for the bit of graphicness) sexually unsatisfying relationship with a male and me realizing that despite my best efforts I can't seem to squash my feelings for girls.

    I've tried so hard to make this go away...and I just can't. It's funny because I have gay and transgender friends who I love to death and I think there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with them being gay/transgender/queer w/e but when it comes to me...

    I don't want to be this way!!!

    Any thoughts? Thanks for listening.
     
  2. Coldflame

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2009
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Calgary
    Well first of all, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Second, maybe you could tell us why exactly you don't want to be this way? What exactly is it that is concerning you?
     
  3. Polaris

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2008
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you for your response.

    I guess the biggest reason is I feel like I will be letting my family down. They have so many expectations of me, I mean, to get married to a man and have kids and etc. And my mother continuously asks me about if there are any guys or likes, or talks about how I need to meet a good guy or w/e. I know she is trying to be helpful and supportive, it's just everytime she mentions me settling down with a boy, I have this sinking feeling in my stomach because I really am almost certain that I won't be as happy with a guy on a personal, me only level.

    Second, I'm transferring universities next year and going into a male dominated program and I wonder what my future career will look like if the case is that I am a lesbian. I worry about discrimination and that sort of thing.

    And finally...I was raised in a very religious, Catholic, family, and despite the fact I personally do not believe in their god or values, I guess it still makes me wonder if I'm going to hell so to speak.
     
  4. Coldflame

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2009
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Calgary
    First of all, the "not wanting to let our parents down" thing is a problem we all had. The thing is that at some point you need to decide how much you are willing to live the life your parents want in exchange for your own wants and desires. This may seem a little selfish, but it is your life and you shouldn't have to follow a set trail laid out by some one else. If your parents love you, they will understand (maybe not right away) and change their expectations for you. They will have too. What they want you to be is happy, and they only say things like that because they assume it's what will make you happy. Just so you know, my mother used to do the same thing. She now asks about whether I've met any guys instead. :slight_smile:

    discrimination is a tough one to talk about. It may be something you have to deal with at some point in your life. But what you may not realize is you don't have to let your personal life and your career life intertwine. Who said you need to tell everyone? A lot of people don't tell the people they work with, because it has no effect on their work.

    As for the religious aspect, that is something that requires more self-meditation and personal time. You say you don't believe in God or catholic values, but you still fear the possibility of eternal punishment from them. This leads me to believe that you aren't quite as unbelieving as you think you are, as you still have doubts. That's perfectly fine. It means you have your own opinion, but are open to the fact that other possibilities exist. I have a lot to say on my opinion on whether homosexuals go to hell or not (my opinion being the latter). I can discuss that further with you if that still concerns you. I would also definitely suggest watching the documentary video "For the bible tells me so" which can be viewed on youtube in 10 parts. Definitely helped me.
     
    #4 Coldflame, Apr 14, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2009
  5. Polaris

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2008
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    I really appreciate you taking the time to answer. I know you are definitely right about my parents; I do have to live my life for them. I still get scared though, I feel like I'm stepping out into this big unknown and I guess I'm just used to the idea of being able to go to my mom for support on things. I am especially close with her, so it's just hard to have this secret ^^. It's really great to hear that your mom has come to accept you. It definitely gives me hope.

    You make a very good point about my future work life; I guess I just assumed when I eventually come out that I would be rainbow-ing it up ^^. I feel so ridiculous because when it comes to my friends I am not nearly this illogical. I think maybe the word is "internalized homophobia"?

    Thank you for mentioning the documentary, I will definitely be looking into it. I will admit I am curious to hear your views as well. I guess for me I've been trying to walk away from that particular branch of religion but I don't have enough self confidence in myself to say that I'm more likely to be right than the pope ^^ If that makes any sense.
     
  6. Greggers

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2008
    Messages:
    2,698
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    BC, Canada
    You hit the big three worries there :slight_smile:

    1) My family! What if they __ or expect me to __?

    2) My religion! How can i make both work?

    3) My life! What about discrimination?

    Well, ill try and skim over a few things:

    1) Your family is just going to have to get used to it, really. This is not YOUR problem its theres. If your LGBT, you cannot change that fact. NEVER give in to any kind of "conversion" therapy because its either a scam or does not work, or both. Family is forever. They will realize this with time, and change. Think of how long you have struggled with your sexuality? Its only fair to give them just as much time to learn to accept you. And odds are, they will accept you in time. You will always be there little girl, you cant change that, gay or straight :slight_smile: Once you are ready to come out to them, there are MANY books, handouts, movies, ect. to give them that will help educate them on the truths about LGBT. That should helpfully make it easier to do.

    2) Your religion can be a tricky one, but i would recommend watching this documentary:

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showpost.php?p=444011&postcount=10

    Its called "For the bible tells me so" and it helps de-bunk all the questions about homosexuality and the bible. Just believe me when i say, MANY people are gay and catholic/christian/whatever. I personally am a gay Christian. I have found that beyond a shadow of a doubt God MUST love me, gay and all, or the bible in itself really does not make sense. This quote sums up alot for me: "I think God appreciates you even more. Because he created you in his image. At least that's what I was always taught. And since God is love and God doesn't make mistakes, then you must be exactly the way he wants you to be. And that goes for every person, every planet, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song, every tear... and every faggot. We're all his. He loves us all."

    3) You WILL face discrimination for being gay, and i wont lie its going to hurt and its going to hurt alot. There is no cure for this really :frowning2: You really just need to grow a thick skin against it. The best way to fight homophobia is with pride. The more proud and accepting YOU are of yourself, the less other people can break you down. If your worried about jobs and being gay, being gay is between you and whoever you choose to share it with. If not coming out at your work is going to be fine with you, then thats great you dont have to. As long as it does nto affect your job, thats fine. In reality though, any company that would not hire you because you are LGBT is NOT a company you should even be working for in the first place. The more "out" you become, the more discrimination your going to get. But on the flip side, the more out you are the more you find that you can stand up for yourself. Just know that not EVERYONE is homophobic. The majority of people you meet will be neutral or pro gay these days, depending were you are.

    I hope this somewhat helps? (*hug*) If you have more questions feel free to wall post me! Good luck dear, and remember: "If you cant love yourself, how you gunna love somebody else?" so stay strong and be proud!
     
  7. Polaris

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2008
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you so much for the response. I'm starting to feel better and more silly for letting myself get caught up in my worries. I really appreciate the support ^^
     
  8. Mickey

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2008
    Messages:
    1,669
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Greg said it all. You just have to be true to yourself. It's hard when you come to the realization that you're gay. But,remember,you're in good company.
    And I too believe that God made you as you should be and He loves you just the way you are.
    Your parents may take some time in accepting you,but They WILL come around. You're their child and I'm sure all they want is for you to have a happy,fulfilling life.
    You'll do fine. Give yourself some time to adjust and I'm sure your attitude and feelings will change.
    And...you always have us to talk to,vent and just be yourself with.
     
  9. starfish

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2008
    Messages:
    3,368
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hippie Town, Alberta of the US
    I am getting ready to come out to my parents on the next visit home. (Less than 10 days away)

    There is this feeling I get some times. I don't it is hard to describe. I think that now my parents are going to be different from everyone else they know because they have a gay kid. And that I am the cause of it. It is the weird combination of guilt, pride, and humbleness.

    I used to get that feeling a lot, but not so much any more. We are who we are. I didn't choose to be gay and my parents didn't choose to have a gay kid. It just happened. I'm still a good person, with a strong moral character. Honestly that means much more than who I am attracted to.

    I know it will be a little weird for them at first, but over time they will see things are not that different. I can still get married and have kids, if I choose too. I've still have graduated college, something I know my dad is very proud of. I'll still have a successful career. In fact can still do every thing I want to do, or that they have wanted me to. The only difference is that I will have a man at my side instead of a woman.

    Can I ask what field you are going into?
     
  10. Elesbian47

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2009
    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Providence!
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    In my (limited) experience in the North East, it seems easier for lesbians to get respect in the workplace than the straight ladies? I think the guys will more so see you as their equal if you're out at work.
     
  11. Polaris

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2008
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    First of all thank you so much everyone for all the positive comments. It's really helping me to remember that there is nothing wrong with being LGBT and it's so great to have that support. I really appreciate it.

    @Mickey
    Thank you for the kind words, and the support. It's so refreshing to have decided to stop lurking on here and just come out and say what's been bothering me. Thank you :slight_smile:

    @Starfish
    I wish you success with your coming out. I can't imagine when that day will come for me, and I admire your bravery and dedication to yourself. I hope it goes well :slight_smile:

    To answer your question, I'm going into Forestry, hopefully becoming a professional forester and I imagine I will end up living in a smaller logging town or what not. I may have misconceptions about the field...but I've heard there tends to be more men of the more..."macho" perspective so I'm not sure how I will fit.

    I should also mention I am very, very traditionally feminine. Long hair, lip gloss, high heels, skirts and pink. But despite all the appearances, I love the outdoors, hiking, skiing, fishing, backpacking, just being in nature. That's why I've chosen my field of study ^^. Not sure if that's at all relevant, it's just sometimes I worry that not only am I most likely a lesbian but I'm a girly one ^^

    I'm well aware that sounds completely foolish, but...I'm worrying ^^ Anyone else have experiences of being completely enforcing of double standards when it comes to themselves?
     
    #11 Polaris, Apr 15, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2009
  12. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Hi there, and welcome to EC.

    First off - YOU are not responsible for your parents' happiness. THEY are. YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness.

    As for discrimination at work - who says your coworkers will ever need to know?!? My coworkers don't know that I'm gay. I'm in an office, in an urban center, work with a bunch of professionals, and I'm already quite senior, so I don't worry about discrimination at all here. But if I did, I would have no problem keeping my private life private for ever. (I likely won't do that - as I'd rather be able to talk about my personal life, and hopefully act as an example for people of how completely 'normal' gay people can be.)

    Good luck. Just hang out here in EC for a while. You'll get more and more comfortalbe with yourself as time goes by!
     
  13. xequar

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2007
    Messages:
    1,684
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Detroit area, Michigan
    Discrimination at work is a valid concern, but I have to say that my experiences with being out at work have been phenominal. I can talk about my boyfriend just as my gay-challenged co-workers can talk about their opposite-sex spouses. I've never felt as though I were being passed over because I'm gay. I've never heard anyone or about anyone talking crap about me because I'm gay. For reference, I work at one of the U.S. auto companies.

    I honestly think a big part of how people react is based on how we as gay individuals treat it. I've been here for over five years, and out for the last two (both in my regular life and professionally), and since then, I've been quite open about it. I mentioned if I was seeing someone. I'm a huge political junkie anyway, and I didn't hold back if something about gay rights was on the TV or something like that. In short, I treat it just like any other facet of my personality, and my experiences both professionally and in general have been that because I treat it as an ordinary normal thing, others do as well. Conversely, it seems that those who treat it as some sort of secret or shameful thing get treated as though it's something to not be talked about.

    Someone above said that you'll face discrimination as an open LGBT person, and that's true. You have to become sure of yourself, sure of who you are, what you believe, and how you fit into the Universe (I actually advocate this for everyone, but moreso for LGBT). You have to learn that you are a human being with value that NO ONE can diminish or take away.

    I tend to communicate points by anecdote, and this is such a case. When I came out, it was as though a dam had burst, and I went from completely closeted to completely out in less than three weeks. As part of that, I put a pink triangle sticker on my car. At one point, I got pulled over because of the decals I had on my car. Instead of taking them off, I added another decal. A few months later, my car got keyed. Instead of taking off the decals, I added another. A few months ago, someone removed my "God save us from your followers" decal, so I added a more inflammatory "Who are you to question why your god doesn't want me to believe in him?" decal as well as a Jesus fish with a great big bite out of it. Why, you might ask? Because I am completely comfortable with who I am, and I'm not going to let some faceless cowards try to terrorize me or cow me into silence or submission.
     
  14. Elesbian47

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2009
    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Providence!
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
  15. Elesbian47

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2009
    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Providence!
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    http://jmarkgilbert.com/atheists.html

    Another link for you. The pope makes a career out of continuing those traditions but these non-believers were scientists, psychologists, philosophers, writers, presidents...
     
  16. silas99

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2008
    Messages:
    472
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    In my own world....Wales!
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey Polaris
    You arent alone in all your sentiments...and they aren't all delusional thoughts. I pretty much feel exactly the same about family, job and religion. Well the religion part has slowly over the past couple of years diminished...I found it difficult to be a practising catholic when I was being told that my feelings for women were evil. I dont believe that love can ever be evil. Damn...god has it totally wrong if all the gays get chucked in hell next to the serial killers and rapists!:icon_wink

    On the job front...like everyone has already said. Its your choice if you feel you want to be out at work. For me I'm trying to take things one step at a time. Having been brought up in a very homophobic household, it has taken me a few years to come out to myself nevermind to anyone else. Just take things slowly....writing on EC was the first step. Just think, you've come out to 5000 people across the world and you should be proud of that.

    Anyway good luck with everything
    Nicxx
     
  17. jacobkwilson2

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2009
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I feel I should post the alternative point of view. I'm not slamming you or your views, but I'd say being gay is just... whatever... It's not a big deal.

    I believe you can fall in love with anyone, but who you want to have sex with, or where you want to put your penis, is your business and no-one elses.

    You don't need to be defined as anything if you don't want to be. When you really like someone and you get close to them and it comes to sex, if you want to do it, do it, if not then don't... It's the only way any of us can be happy.

    I choose to out as gay because I like it, I think it's fun, and while I don't like the term "proud", as that suggests some form of ignorance towards heterosexual people, I am in no way ashamed of being gay. It's who I am, it defines where I like to put my penis, and that's it. It's not a big deal, it won't even affect 1% of the population, end of story.

    Just give it time, come to your own conclusions, but don't rush it... It sounds like you're ruining your own life and fucking up your head when you don't need to. Be a "you-sexual"... if it feels right, do it, if not then don't... WE ALL HAVE TO BE OPEN TO FALLING IN LOVE WITH ANYONE, GENDER REGARDLESS, sexuality is just that... who we want to have sex with. You wouldn't go around telling everyone "I LIKE TO PUT MY PENIS INSIDE WOMEN'S VAGINA'S" so you're under no pressure to tell them if you want to put it inside a man's arse (or ass for the USA, lol).

    Just do what's right... Best of luck and I wish you happiness.

    (*hug*)