Hi, I guess my story isn't unique, but my life situation is a now a constant worry and strain on my heart. So, I'm a baptised JW man in my early 30's. My whole life i have felt very confused about my sexuality and i still am. I'm attracted to both men and women, but only to men in a sexual way and mentally imagine settling down with a woman, although this is changing. Okay, so this is my situation. Over the last five years or so, i have secretly had sexual encounters with men. During this time, i have found the secrecty crushing, causing my chest pulputations and constant anxiety about being caught or outted. Because of this i have had to come out to two non JW friends at different times, who have both been very supported. I don't want to turn this into a religious conversation, as i do genuinely believe JW have the truth, but over the last two years or so, especially the last year, my faith has all but gone, I'm missing our meetings and i haven't gone on the ministry for months, mostly because of guilt for what i have done and i wont be a hypocrite ,preaching one thing, while doing another. So now i am at a cross roads in my life, whichever road i decide to go down, i have to come out the closet. If i want a clean concious spiritually i need to confess my sin, to wipe the slate clean so to speak. Or if i decide I want to pursue a realtionship with a man, I think coming out is vital for pictures on profile, not to be seen as someone with baggage. I have always said if i met a man, that would be my reason to come out. The problem is, all my family and a lot of good friends are JW and if i came out they wouldn't be able to speak to me (no point groaning about it, its the rules). My biggest worry about coming out, is i feel a great sense of shame. That I'll bring upon my farther, and the thought of me being personally slagged off for one facet of my personality. I feel like I'm a very honest person in my life, apart from this issue, and even though I've ignored the issue for years, i feel like i need to man up and take action, its just I'm too scared and overwhelmed by the whole thing. Thanks for reading, please share your thoughts. Mike
Hi Mike, I'm not too clued up about the JW denomination, but coming from a christian background I can sympathize with you completely about the whole sin complex when it comes to homosexuality. In the end, it's up to you about what you believe in regards to that, but personally speaking, having talked to God a lot about these issues, I feel that there's no reason at all to feel shame for this: if you are gay, God made you this way, in his image, and that's totally 100% ok. Perhaps it might be a good idea for you to find a religious LGBT+ friendly group/priest to speak to: I just mention this because I saw on your profile that you live in Wales, and I learnt of a group last week and I'm planning on going along to their next meeting If you want to talk more about it and stuff, I'm happy to try and help as much as I can xx
Hi Kye, I don't feel like i need to chat to anyone about the religious side of things, but more on overcoming my personal fears and feelings if that makes sense. In some ways i just wish it was done for me, or i did it years ago. Mike
Ahh, ok, I getcha. Well, may I ask, if you could imagine the best-case scenario in your head, what would it be?
Best case scenario is an unrealistic one which would be i sort my head out, start liking women and forget I ever did stuff with men (no one knowing) and get back on track spiritually and start dating a woman. Realistically, I don’t think there is one. Either route I feel like there will be a great amount of shame and judgment upon me from the JW side of things. I just want to be happy, and as a social person, who has lived alone for the last ten years, I can’t take this loneliness and I just want to share my life with someone, admittedly I'm drawn towards men. But is that realistic as I get the sense all men shag about, and the dream of having a monogamous relationship is an unrealistic one.
Hey sometimesuk, Welcome to Empty Closets! Congratulations, it is not easy to take this huge step and coming here to talk about what you are feeling. About the religious side of things, you may want to read this: Empty Closets - Religion and Homosexuality Why do you think you "aren't on track", spiritually? Am i right to say that you are feeling shame, or that you feel what you did was wrong? If yes, then the first thing to do is to take a deep breath and relax. The golden advice is: Don't rush to any conclusions: You are who you are, and you may take all the time that you need to question yourself or to decide what to do next. Don't feel pressured to rush anything. It is important to remember: Being gay is completely normal. It isn't a sin, it isn't wrong, it isn't immoral. You are who you are, and you are free to love whoever you love. In a relationship, as long as the people involved are consenting adults that aren't hurting anyone, then it doesn't matter if they are a woman and a man, two men, two women, etc. Love is love. What matters in life is being a good person, and not hurting others: You shouldn't feel bad for loving or feeling attraction to another person, regardless of gender. I'm sorry to hear that your family and some friends aren't that accepting. Unfortunately, there are lots of misconceptions and prejudice about homossexuality. In time, you may want to decide to tell them or not, but, for now, i would first take time to be in peace with yourself first. We, here at the forum, and your supportive friends (by the way, it is great that you have supportive friends! ) may help you! It is true that not everyone is monogamous. In the "gay world", people are simply more open about it. As poligamy isn't accepted for the most part between straight people, it happens, but people simply hide it. Unfortunately, cheating is not uncommon in our society (on a side note, i hope that changes with time - honesty is a very important value, in any kind of relationship). However, there are indeed many LGBT people who are monogamous, myself included. Because of prejudice and stereotypes, we have this feeling that every gay is flamboyant, and they only like sex, and they don't want any fixed relationship. Of course, i'm not saying that person isn't free to do that if that's what he/she wants, but it is simply untrue to see that as a rule for everyone. There are monogamous gay/straight people. There are non-monogamous gay/straight people. In resume: The only difference between straight people and LGB people is that LGB people aren't necessarily limited to loving the opposite gender. I repeat: In resume, that's the only difference. Feel free to share more of your fears and feelings with you, if you feel comfortable. We are here to help and we are really happy to talk about all of this with you! (*hug*)
Thanks for the reply. Speaking to my mate the other day, he suggested that i get fit physically first (i need to loose about 20kg) which will also help with my mental wellbeing at the same time, before making any final decision as to what to do. In a way, i agree with him, as if i was to come out who would want to go out with some fat guy, but on the other hand, its quite hard to get motivated when your feeling quite down and overwhelmed. Its winter here in the uk and the dark evenings definately dont help, so hopefully I'll feel more motivated in the coming months. What i find annoying is that to anyone else who is in the closet, I'd say, honestly majority of people dont care or are bothered by it, but forr myself there is this crippling fear. Fear of rejection and the unknown I guess.
Well, if you feel that exercise will make you feel better, then that's good and healthy. Just don't feel pressured to change: There is the stereotype, sure, but there are many people who would go out with a fat guy (i'm not really thin myself, and, althought i don't go out with people all the time, it happens, haha). But, repeating: If that's something that would make you feel better, then sure, start exercising. That's just not a requirement for going out with other people. You mean about exercise? There are many people who care about it. Maybe the majority. Which is fine, as long as it doesn't turn into an obsession. Exercising is a good habit, but what is important is for you to be happy with yourself. If someone wouldn't be with you because you are fat, then is that person really worth of your attention? Of course, everyone has their preferences, but you should only change yourself if you want to, and not to please others. If you mean being in the closet in general and coming out, it is a hard process for most people, unfortunately (that's why we have big communities like EC, after all). Unfortunately, the prejudice is still really strong, and thus, fear of judgement is normal. However, like i said before, you don't need to rush anything. This isn't always an easy process, and it is fine to take all the time that you need to be comfortable with the idea of not being straight.
This might not be true for you but it is for me: you don't have to agree with 100% of the religious guidelines. I'm sure there are a few minor rules that you don't believe/want to follow. Same with this. There isn't any active harm you're causing by being queer, so there shouldn't be a problem. I understand that it's hard to be religious and queer, I do. But you have to teach yourself that it's okay to be you and a JW.
