Hello, Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this. I'm 23 on the verge of turning 24 and since I was young I've been struggling to come to terms with my sexuality. This struggle has left me in a state where I feel like I'm only half the person I should be. Not having shared myself emotionally nor physically with anyone for my entire life makes me feel like I can't connect with anyone in the real world. Not even my friends and family. One day, I was at breaking point and I needed somewhere to turn to so I managed to convince myself to sign up for counselling sessions. The first two sessions were the scariest moments of my life. I knew I was there to discuss the obvious reason for my pain, which was not being able to accept myself, but I just couldn't bring myself to say it. I just told them I was there because I felt so inadequate with myself. Come the third session, I finally did it. I finally told somebody I'm gay. I couldn't stop the tears that followed. 15 or so years of pent up emotion just flowed out. The sessions have really helped me find some clarity, and I feel like I've been talking about myself in a different way throughout each one. I've started to feel like there maybe is a light at the end of this tunnel. However, a common theme in most of the sessions has been that I just didn't know how to truly accepting myself. As much as it is an undeniable fact that I am attracted to the same sex, I just can't allow it to actually be a part of me. This is all despite me identifying that in so many ways I'll be better off if I'm just true to myself and to those around me. I'd have such a better, truer relationship with the people close to me, and I'd just be able to be happy instead of carrying this painful burden. More recently, I have found that I can say to myself 'I'm gay' and actually believe it, which 6 or so months earlier seemed an impossibility. The problem is I just can't seem to move forward, how am I supposed to get this point where I'm happy with who I am? The prospect of mentioning it to either family or friends still feels so unnatural and as if it will never happen. I keep telling myself that life could change for the better in a matter of seconds, I just need to do it, but I seem to get this mental block that stops me from doing anything further. I feel like I'm stagnating and that I'm going to stay in this position forever and the frustration is killing me. I understand that I'm probably setting myself unrealistic expectations and the progress I've made over the last few months has been incredible, but I just want to take this that one step further and I can't! I'm not sure if this is me just trying to vent my frustration but if anyone does have any advice on how I can just get that foot through the door then I'd be so grateful. I just don't know whether I just need to get it done with and try tell someone or just keep trying to convince myself that one day it'll happen. Thanks.
Of course you have to be comfortable with yourself before you come out so why don't you try dating because if you have someone to share this with then maybe you can be happy with yourself and who you are. Maybe try going to a gay bar you can just meet people like you so it can be something normal to you.
Are you uncomfortable with the idea of having to be seen differently by other people? I think once you get into your 20s it's likely that if you've never really been with girls (which I am guessing is what you meant by saying "never shared myself... physically") then A) it won't really be a huge shock to those closest to you, B) it might actually make them feel relieved; since if they know you've been struggling with something, and they're supportive of gay rights, then they take it as an "oh, well this isn't really that bad" kind of thing. I think your problem is how other people will think of you after they know. Perhaps you could try some of these: 1) Watch tv shoes/short films/etc. with positive (or any, really) gay characters 2) Get some information stealthily from those around you about how they feel about gay rights 3) Learn to re-frame your thinking; people with whom you'll want to surround yourself generally just let people make their own decisions/be themselves and be happy about it as long as it doesn't jeopardize others' happiness; therefore if you're surrounded by good people already just try to actively recognize this. If you're not surrounded by these people, this is a harder fix and you might want to consider finding new people or thinking some other way.
