So my first post on this website was a month ago, I was basically questioning a lot of things and unable to have a clear mind about what I wanted. After a month of lots of questioning, thinking, lurking on this forum etc. I have come to terms with the fact that I'm gay. Yesterday (as of writing this), I came out to all my closest friends, about 7 or 8 people in total. They were all super accepting and supportive, but I'm having an entirely new struggle now - how to tell family. Before I come out publicly and seek out relationships and experiment, I want some of my family to know - most notably my parents, my brothers & sister-in-law but I just don't know when a good time is. I know for a fact my mom is LGBT-supportive and accepting, so that's not an issue, but I still just don't know how to do it. For some reason, I don't want to - I really don't know why, I think about it every second I spend with her but I would never actually say it - it just never feels like the right time. I'm not 100% sure how happy my dad would be, I know he would most likely come to accept it but I don't want to deal with that strained relationship right now. As for my brothers and sister-in-law, we're not that close, we only see each other every few weeks so it would just feel awkward and out-of-place to tell them but I don't think they would mind. It's also difficult because there's a side of my family that includes my grandparents that I don't feel I can ever come out to because I know for a fact that they are very religious and LGBT-intolerant, and despite that I love them too much to ruin those relationships. So many questions for anyone reading this are: How did you come out to family? One at a time, all at once, certain family members? Are there any family members that you specifically would/will not come out to and how do you go about dealing with that? Any advice on this is welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Hey taical, First, Congratulations on Coming Out to your friends! It's wonderful that they were so accepting. You have to feel some relief being Out to them and having a supportive group of friends with whom you can now, truly, just be yourself. You should only Come Out to your parents if you are comfortable doing so. It sounds like you are basically ready to Come Out to your mom, but have reservations about your Dad because of what you perceive his reaction might be. If you are considering Coming Out only to your mother for now and waiting to Come Out to your Dad, I would simply say that you might consider that married couples are not supposed to keep secrets like that from each other, so would it really be fair to Come Out to your Mom and to ask her to keep the information secret from your Dad for an extended period of time? And, in many cases, when their child Comes Out, LGBTQ parents rely on each other to process that information and truly accept it for themselves, Again, just something you might want to consider. Now, I don't know your Dad, of course, but often times parents surprise us. Even if they are generally unaccepting of LGBTQ people (usually because of ignorance), their unconditional love for their child can overcome that. In terms of how you Come Out, that is your individual choice. You could just tell them (one at a time or together), you could write them a letter/note, you could play a Coming Out song for them, etc. There is no right or wrong way to Come Out. In terms of your brothers and sister-in-law, it sounds like you think they'll be accepting, but you don't seem to feel an especially strong need to Come Out to them right now. As far as your grandparents go, you might consider just putting Coming Out to them on the back-burner for now and discussing the idea with your parents at a later date (sometime after you've Come Out to your parents, of course) to get their input on if/when they think you should Come Out to your grandparents. Just some thoughts.
Hey Quantum, thank you for all of the advice! I think I do need to wait for a while and become more comfortable with myself and with the idea of everything, it's also a stressful time right now as we're doing lots of repairs to our house in preparation of selling it and moving somewhere else in the city. I don't want to cause any tension or make sudden moves right now. I'm glad you shared your perspective with me on how it would be unfair to leave him out for an indefinite period of time. My mother and I have typically been more similar and closer than my dad and I, and I don't want this to be another situation in which he is the last to know and gets left out of important things. The only way I would end up telling them separately at this point is if I was outright asked by one of them if I was gay. You hit the nail on the head with the other two issues, I think there's just not a need to come out to my siblings for now and I shouldn't be concerned with it. As for my grandparents/the very religious/conservative side of my family, I really don't plan on ever coming out to them which is what makes this situation so difficult. If they know, I fear that will tear the family apart and certain parties will refuse to come together if I was there or if I was with a hypothetical boyfriend. It's just a very messy situation that I want to avoid but it also affects the present time because again, is it really fair to come out to my parents but not my whole family? I never realized how much there would really be to consider, but I've got as much time as I need to do so, and your advice definitely helped!
I'm having the same problem too. If I tell the rest of my family they never have anything to do with me again. I don't know what to do. Please help.:bang::bang::bang:
Hey Ruby Dakota, If you start a thread here in the Coming Out Advice forum with some background on your situation, we can try to provide you some advice on your situation.
