Lets be honest. Im probably not completely straight. I must be bisexual. I really wouldn’t mind having sex with a really hot guy like Zach Efron, but lets say Jessica Alba or Cameron Diaz walked in I wouldn’t hesitate to fuck the shit out of them. This has totally fucked my life up! If I didn’t have this flying around in my head things would be back to normal. These past five months or so have been me trying to figure out what the hell is going on, hoping and praying there was something wrong with me so I could die and not have to deal with the fact of possibly being gay or bisexual or whatever the fuck I am. I love women! I think they are hot as fuck and if I could get one in bed with me I would. I just have no one that could possibly want to with me. At least that’s what I think. I don’t talk to my friends anymore because I am scared of the fact of being judged for not having any girls in my life. Including my boss. That is what intimidates me of PV because they are such straight guys who talk so negatively of gays and sensitive type of people. This is what is holding me back in life, and this is what I am more then terrified to share with anyone, including myself. I do not want this life, I do not want to be gay or bisexual, I want to be straight and that’s it. Id love to be the one who hates gay people (sorry gays) and lives a straight life someone who fucks girls all the time. If I were like that I could continue being who I have always been. A care free kind of guy who is a simple man and has no enemies. Now, I am ruining my life day by day because of having to hide these thoughts. In a way I think I have made up some thoughts and attachments to certain things in my life to try and find an answer, any other answer then sexuality. The angry outbursts I get, they are from me thinking about having to come out one day and face all that judgement. It has been so hard for me to explain my problems because I don’t think I truly have an anxiety problem, sure it plays a role. But only because deep down I know what I am hiding and it fucking kills me. I have isolated myself from society based on the fact of hiding these thoughts. I wouldn’t hesitate to tell all my friends what’s bothering me, if in fact it was just anxiety and depression. Big deal millions of people deal with those problems. I really wouldn’t give two shits if those were my problems. Im not so embarrassed because of having anxiety and depression, I am so embarrassed because of having gay thoughts. Theres nothing crazy wrong with me. Sure, I don’t know what I want to do with life but who cares, no one does! I was very depressed when I dropped out of school that is no lie. My head was not in the game and that was a scary time. It was just too overwhelming for me balancing all that was going on. Now, it’s a job for me to try and come up with different things that are bothering me to counteract the gay thoughts and feelings. Truth is I have a dildo I bought, sometimes I enjoy sitting on it, and yes sometimes I enjoy and get turned on by sucking it. BUT, I find cum nasty and would never want a guys cum in my mouth. Although, I don’t think I would mind it in my butt… This sucks. I would be perfectly fine being a straight guy!! Yeah I’m a little awkward, but who isn’t? I do not want to be part of the LGBTQ community and have been so opposite of how I am now my whole life. Plus, I have a very conservative father and family. And all of my friends I have ever known are completely straight and wouldn’t accept me because its just so weird. Even I think it is! Sorry I have jumped all over the place here. My mind feels like it is going to explode keeping these thoughts in. Hopefully someone can relate.
Wow, Anonymous777, that's an awful lot to deal with, and I want to congratulate you on your bravery in writing and sharing that post. Although we are all anonymous here, even writing it is in itself a big challenge that you have overcome. I can tell that you have a long journey ahead of you, and I know how difficult it is to be facing it when you find yourself at this crossroads. No one here can tell you what is your true sexuality. Only you can determine the truth. We can only help you to discover it for yourself. To do that, you will need to keep an open mind, ditch defensiveness, and be completely 100% honest. Your post reads like a primer on internalized homophobia. All of the hallmarks of our heteronormative society are there, and it has shamed you into believing that anything other than straight is bad. What isn't taught to children is what they should do when they find that their attractions aren't straight, and instead teaches them that homosexuality is a sin, it's perverted, and it will be the worst thing in the world. Unfortunately, you were taught this from a young age, and its roots are very deep in your life. I don't know if you are straight, bisexual, or gay. This will be your task to figure out. Please know, however, that your sexuality will not change. Your choice is either to accept it or deny it. The fact that your homosexual desires are unwanted will not change that they exist. Each of us on this journey go through a series of stages. The stages are not necessarily in order and you may fluctuate back and forth over them multiple times. DENIAL - ANGER - BARGAINING - GRIEF - ACCEPTANCE If you read back your post, I think you will discover elements of several of these stages as you process the idea that you are not straight and work towards an understanding of your sexuality. I do wish you luck on this journey. It takes time. Please continue to read and post here on EC. It really does help. Take care. ride:
Thank you for your reply. I do appreciate it. Im also scared to even tell anybody or ask for help in my life because even I am not entirely sure. Life was great, easy, and happy before these thoughts started dominating my life. I am constantly thinking why on Earth did this have to happen to me...
Anon, What ever you decide we are all here to help you on your journey. Like you I am still finding myself. Dean
