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Coming out to a friend and feeling worse even though they are really supportive

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Raydar0110, Mar 8, 2017.

  1. Raydar0110

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    Hi all
    First I would like to thank this site for giving me the confidence I needed.
    This morning I came out to one of my friends and then 3 others in casual conversation the same morning. It was on my walk to college and I got on to the topic of relationships (We often joke about her boyfriend being gay but he really isn't) and I mentioned that I was actually gay so he doesn't need to be worried about me, then reiterated it again because she thought I was joking.

    During this conversation I felt really stressed but it needed to be done. After that point I kept thinking about it over and over as if it was a bad thing(even now just typing this my heart is racing and I feel stressed) and getting sweaty and nervous just sitting down in class.

    What can I do to stop this and come to term with it. I have only told 3 to 4 people but I still feel like it is happening too fast and I don't know what to do.

    If anyone has experienced this please tell me what you did, I'm 16 and really want people to know but I just feel bad after I tell people or even think about doing so.
     
  2. Ljjgreat2017

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    I think you should take it one day at a time. Coming to terms with coming out as well as your sexuality is going to take time. Look on the bright side, at least you came out to someone. Your sexuality and coming out is nothing to be stressed about. It is a part of who you are. If this situation is giving you anxiety, you can always distract yourself with TV, music, or videos on Youtube. Just know that the people on this forum care.

    I'm not sure if I experienced the same thing but I think I just allowed time to take its course and eventually I came to accept my identity slowly.
     
  3. Quantumreality

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    Hey Raydar0110,

    First, Congratulations on Coming Out! That took a lot of courage!

    You didn’t say exactly how your friends responded, but, from the tone of your post, it would seem like they were accepting.

    It’s not unusual to experience the kind of anxiety that you are talking about after Coming Out. It can be similar to “buyer’s remorse.” But the fact is that you did Come Out. Give it some time for both you and the friends to get used to the fact that you Came Out to them.

    I recommend that you only Come Out when they are comfortable doing so and normally starting with people whom you believe will be accepting so that you can create a support group of people around you with whom you can truly be yourself. It’s possible that you weren’t quite ready to take that step in your case, but what’s done is done. Short of going back to them and telling them it was a joke, just give try to give it some time to settle in and start getting used to being much more open about your attractions when talking to these friends.

    Just some thoughts.:slight_smile:
     
  4. Raydar0110

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    Thanks for the advice, it really helped.
    My freinds are really supportive and one of them is even trying to find people that she can set me up with, which I find funny. I was going to just try and tell everyone I could but I think your right that I need to wait. I still have not fully come to terms with it myself but I have known for years now.

    I do find it hard to be open about who I am attracted to as my freind ( ill just call her Amy) was asking about the "Type" of guys I like and I just froze but managed to get onto talking about something else.

    I just thouht it was time to get it over and done with because I felt like I wasnt living ky life properly as I was hiding something.

    Also I dont have any reason to feel this way. I know that everyone will accept me and wont shun me or annything as other gay people go to my college and no one really cares about their sexuality.

    Thanks again for the advice you really helped me out. Atleast I am not the only one going through this.

    Just a funny story from the past few days
    Amy uses the logic of "Anyone that we pass is gay if they dont turn round and look at her because she is quite attractive" to find me other gay people as someone once said solid 9 as they walked passed us and he wasnt reffering to me so her assumption is valid.
     
    #4 Raydar0110, Mar 9, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 9, 2017
  5. Quantumreality

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    :slight_smile:

    Oh by the way, you may end up having to tell Amy to back off on trying to fix you up with another guy. Friends like her can be well-meaning, but she doesn't really know who you are attracted to. Sometimes friends like that just assume that one gay guy will automatically like another gay guy simply because they are both gay. However, if you let her help you find other LGBTQ friends, that could be helpful to you.

    Just a thought.
     
    #5 Quantumreality, Mar 9, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2017
  6. Raydar0110

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    I think she is doing it in a joking way and if not she knows I have quite a thick skin and can handle her making jokes. Its just her way of showing me that she is ok with it, its more of a "he could be gay" than "he is gay aswell he will be perfect for you"
     
  7. Quantumreality

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    Cool, then.

    It's often funny, though, that a lot of straight people who claim to have "gaydar" actually are very bad at identifying anyone who isn't stereotypically gay.:slight_smile:
     
  8. Raydar0110

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    Its not really a gaydar as she doesnt claim to know who is gay by looking at them, its more
    If a guy does not look at me its likely he is gay. Its rather narcissistic but the logic is sound and she is attracticve.(big eyes big boobs ect.) Her words not mine, like I said narcissistic.
     
  9. Quantumreality

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    Gotcha.:grin:

    She sounds like a great friend.:slight_smile:
     
  10. Raydar0110

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    She is,
    Thanks for all the advice. I only joined a few days ago and this site and the people have already made a huge difference in my life, its amazing.

    I never thouht that I would even get to this stage let alone be able to talk about it with people. You have all been amazing.
     
  11. Roxxy45

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    I know what you mean, i was repressed , mainly to myself, for what seems like forever, and suddenly gushed out to half a dozen women friends , some ex's that i was gay, and next day felt like shit. Funny thing is they were all really supportive, but still made me want to go back in time and re-run the whole episode. It has since all turned out really well and i think it was more me than them. Although i do tend to overthink everything. Feel a sense of release from doing so, but after accepting how i feel i suddenly feel at odds with myself again. lol. Best thing is nobody could ever say i am boring. lol. x
    Take care. x
     
  12. Worker Bee

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    Hey Raydar. Congrats on taking that first step however as others have said it's totally up to you when and if you come out. I had been out to friends and colleagues but was determined never to tell my family. Unfortunately I was forced to by an angry ex who threatened to call them.

    One of my friends was upset that I didn't fancy her and another thought it strange I didn't really like girly women. I still don't really know what my type is probably cos I'm asexual.

    You friend seems a little conceited. Everyone is different when it comes for what does it for them. However at heart she does seem good (maybe it's her way of disguising her insecurities)

    If you ever want to talk 1-1 I'm a great listener
     
  13. Raydar0110

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    Thanks to everyone for the great advice.
    I told some people yesterday about my sexuality, only 2 people but the more the better I think, and they were really supportive.

    One of them is also gay so we just talked about it for a few hours (on discord I met them on a game around 6 months ago)
    I now have a "fairy" god mother as he put it and just talking about it really made me feel better.

    I'm not feeling as anxious of nervous anymore but it is still there and i'm wanting to tell more people on Monday or at least talk to my friends about it again.

    You have all really helped thank you, I couldn't have coped otherwise its nice to have a place to vent and get advice from.
     
  14. Calf

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    It sounds like you're feeling better about dealing with this feeling now but I just wanted to share that it's not something bad or something that only you feel.
    Coming out (being open) shouldn't be a big deal but it is, we just have to accept that and work through it the best we can. There are a number of reasons for feeling anxiety or just generally down after coming out and it's probably a mix of each of those reasons. With time and maybe some professional counselling, you could probably alleviate the anxiety but perhaps for now you should just try to focus on the positives and see how you feel moving forward.

    The two main things here are;
    1/ You are being accepted by your friends as your genuine self. They are making their best efforts to make you feel comfortable, included and equal.
    2/ You are aware and confident enough to acknowledge how this is making you feel and strong enough to share and express your emotions.

    Good luck on Monday

    ---------- Post added 11th Mar 2017 at 05:49 PM ----------

    Oh I forgot to make it three;

    3/ You are from the North East so clearly have a top class accent!
     
  15. Raydar0110

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    Thanks for the advice,

    I've been looking for LGBT meeting places/social groups for me to try in real life. I feel like I need to make friends face to face who are going through the same thing even though the people on EC are amazing. but so far I've not found many that are close by.

    I don't want to ask parents for a lift of anything as I would need to explain and I want to come to terms with it myself before I involve family so it would need to be close to my college so I can get the bus (Our college gives us free bus travel on all weekdays almost anywhere relatively near).

    Anyway, Usually I can separate my feelings and logic meaning that I can look at my situation from a different perspective but with this I cant. If I'm sad I can get to the root of it really quickly and then solve the problem but I don't know why I'm feeling this way or how to solve it. I don't want to go to a professional counsellor just yet but I will think about it.

    Do you think keeping a diary would help, a while ago I kept a dream journal just for my own amusement but i think that a full record of my anxiety and what I have done will help me get to the root of it.
    Writing it down with a pen and paper may help me to fully realise my sexuality and feelings.
     
  16. Calf

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    Even though your not sure about the counselling now, it's worth taking advantage of any free service you can get through your college when you're ready. (That's advice I'd give anyone, not just you! :icon_wink)

    Writing it down or keeping an online journal is a good idea. It's really useful to reflect on important events because you may see things in a different light once you're away from the situation. One word of caution on that though is that you'll need to be confident that you can keep it confidential. I don't want to put you off but parents have a strange ability to just 'find' things that are intended to be private. I used to write, draw, paint etc to express and understand my sexuality and somehow my mum always happened to be vacuuming in the exact spot I hid it :grin:
    I know some people that write down their thoughts then burn it but that isn't very useful for looking back over your journal and seeing how you've progressed and developed.

    Also, you can always share what you want here for reassurance or advice.

    The problem here is that these feelings aren't very logical to begin with. You will in time realise what causes them but what you do about it will depend on how you feel then, not now. I know that doesn't make anything any clearer or easier but that's my point. Sometimes you just have to rely on time and experience.

    As for finding other people to meet, I completely understand. Even with forums like this, you can still be left feeling alone in the world. The thing is though that most guys your age will also be in a similar position to you or maybe not even come to realise their sexuality at all yet. Unfortunately that makes it even harder to meet people but you just have to hold on to the knowledge that one day soon, it's going to get easier.
    If you are going to meet people in person and you don't want to tell your family then please be really careful about who you meet up with. Maybe meet with some other friends of yours or at least tell one of your good friends where you're going, who you're meeting and when you'll be back etc. - sorry to get all 'old person' but I know from my own experience how all this (loneliness) can result in some risky decision making.
     
  17. Raydar0110

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    Thanks,
    I know the feeling about parents and it does sound like something they would do as they are very over protective sometimes. I think I would just get a small notepad and hide it somewhere or always have it with me, possibly pass it off as college work.

    What you said has made things easier, one of my friends once said that motions can be like 2 things. A filing cabinet where everything is organised and easily accessible. Or like a ball of rubber bands where you need to uravel it slowly to get to the center. Right now I'm feeling like a massive rubber band ball whereas I'm used to feeling like a filing cabinet and I think that's the problem.

    When it comes to meeting people I know to be careful. I was thinking of a LGBT youth group or something along the lines of that, not just a few "young" gay people meeting somewhere but thanks for caring.

    It's nice just to get things out.
     
  18. Calf

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    I might be stating the obvious here but did you go to student services or the student union at your college yet? There may be some kind of LGBT groups or union representation at the college. The benefit there should be that at least you'll have more in common than just your sexuality. If you're not sure about approaching them yourself, you could go with a couple of friends and all enquire together. Even if there isn't something at the college, I'm sure they can find out some local groups for you.

    I know what you mean about the emotional filing. I was brought up in a family where all emotions were kept in a filing cabinet -but it was locked up tight and never opened. When I finally managed to pick the lock there was just one of those rubber band balls inside it :confused:
    Now I've learnt that the key to emotions is to be open and honest about them all the time. Really embrace your feelings and thoughts. That's the healthiest way to keep them in order. In my opinion anyway.
     
  19. Raydar0110

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    I have not tried student services at college yet but I might give it a try if I keep feeling this way, I know this may sound strange but part of me doesn't want any help with it and part of me wants to just constantly talk and get everything out.

    Also what you said about finding people with more in common than our sexuality does worry me. I know that if they are also gay we will have something to talk about but I don't want that to be it. I met some people from Ireland on a game a few months ago and most of them are gay but a bit older and its nice talking to them about it but I want people my own age and in person.

    In secondary I did have a friend that was bi and she met her girlfriend at a cos-play conversion so I think I just need to go and meet more people outside of college. I have considered messaging her but I have not spoken to her since secondary and I think unloading all of this on her is a bit unfair. (She coped with it really well and came out in year 9 or 10)
     
  20. Raydar0110

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    I have not tried student services at college yet but I might give it a try if I keep feeling this way, I know this may sound strange but part of me doesn't want any help with it and part of me wants to just constantly talk and get everything out.

    Also what you said about finding people with more in common than our sexuality does worry me. I know that if they are also gay we will have something to talk about but I don't want that to be it. I met some people from Ireland on a game a few months ago and most of them are gay but a bit older and its nice talking to them about it but I want people my own age and in person.

    In secondary I did have a friend that was bi and she met her girlfriend at a cos-play conversion so I think I just need to go and meet more people outside of college. I have considered messaging her but I have not spoken to her since secondary and I think unloading all of this on her is a bit unfair. (She coped with it really well and came out in year 9 or 10)