Getting straight to the point. I'm now the (co)President of my University's LGBT society. Part of the role is advice and support, and I've just been sent my first email asking for help. I'm no stranger to giving advice, but I could use a little help. The essentials of the case are: 21 year old girl Long term boyfriend Past experience of abuse (physical, sexual, emotional) Has some feelings for other women, a little confused about them. Has discussed this with her boyfriend; he seems fine about it. Is thinking about experimenting with girls Can't make the LGBT socials. This is the email response I'll be sending her, and I was wondering if it's alright, or needs anything added to it: X, I’m happy to help out how I can, I hope this helps. Sexuality is a complicated thing, and perhaps can’t be as simply defined as gay, straight or bisexual; as well as this, how you define your own sexual orientation is up to you and nobody else. Getting to terms with your orientation isn’t a simple process, and many people go through periods of experimentation, trial and self examination before they reach somewhere where they’re happy with it. It’s not uncommon for people who always identified as straight when growing up to have feelings for people of their gender. From what you’ve said, it sounds like you’re in a happy relationship with your boyfriend, and I would say that as long as you both remain happy within that relationship, I believe that it’s a good thing. As well as this, your boyfriend sounds like he’s quite tolerant and accepting about the possibility of you being bi, which is a very positive thing. It’s possible that you might want to experiment with other girls. I’d discuss this with your boyfriend; to make sure you’re both happy with this, because it might well put extra stress and complications on your relationship. If you’re both comfortable with it, then it might well be something that helps you determine exactly what your feelings are. On a side note of the practicality of meeting other women, while you might not be able to come to the socials on a Monday evening, the LGBT committee are hopefully planning a couple of events other than the socials, where you’d be welcome to come along to meet, greet and talk to people; something I’ll be able to confirm in more detail once we start to organize some events. One final, sensitive issue is about your past experiences. I can see why they would be quite distressing to you. I don’t know whether you’re concerned that your traumatic experiences somehow influenced your sexuality. I’d like to reassure you by saying that sexuality is believed to be something inborn, and not changeable. Whatever it is that you feel is entirely natural and entirely you. If you feel the need to talk anything through, please contact me any time. Mark Any thoughts?
I'd say the note is really good. The thing that comes to mind for me though is that you don't need to 'experiment' to know. You might offer her that alternative. Because getting physically intimate with someone doesn't necessarily prove or disprove anything. What is sometimes more important is just being open to the possibility that you're not 100% straight. Then an emotional bond may be developed that could be much more telling than a physical encounter. Good luck with your new role! That's awesome.
