Me: *I realised I wasn't straight about 5 months ago after on and off questioning for about 6 years, and I have some mental health issues* So I identify as gay or lesbian even though my surety changes each day. I'm 100% sure I'm not interested in men but I very rarely question that. I don't know if it's internalised homophobia, coercive heterosexuality, not really accepting myself, being maybe slightly asexual or issues from my upbringing but each day I wake up and question myself. But I still identify as gay and I use Her and I want a girlfriend. My mother just told that I shouldn't come out to other people because I'm not sure until I've actually been with a woman. I have to have relationships with men and women before I can properly come out. And it's super dangerous and 'in my heart I know that you don't know'. And I feel like sh*t and it's all making me hate myself and question myself even more. Like yes I'm still trying to accept myself and I often think I'm somewhere on the ace spectrum too but if I wasn't gay then what she said wouldn't have hurt sooo f**king much. And it really doesn't help when you are still trying to accept yourself or still 'questioning', to be told this. I told her in the first place because I wanted her to know and because she had said she would accept me if I was gay but just because I'm not always 100% sure and I've never been with a woman doesn't make me any less gay, right? And I get she just doesn't understand and in some strange way she's saying all this because she loves me and doesn't want me to get hurt but realllly?????? And now she's analysing everything I say and do. I feel like she's watching all my moves and even gave me a weird look because I was watching Ellen. I want to have a girlfriend and one day, a wife. I want to have lots of sex with women and I want to go to gay bars. Give me the rainbow flags and let me march. And I'm now suppose to go to church tonight (who don't know about me and are anti-gay) and I only want to go so I don't have to be at home. I know she's saying all this because she cares but I really don't feel accepted right now. I feel so alone. I wrote all this just after it happened so I'm a little jumbled, but is she right? Should I hold off until I'm 100000% sure and have dated women? I think she's wrong but she's my mother so maybe she knows me better??
You are definitely not alone Thinkanddream! And I disagree with your mom. I believe you certainly CAN know you are gay even if you have never dated/been with a woman. For me, I became very attracted to a female friend, we had a VERY strong emotional bond and wanted to spend all our time together, but we weren't dating or anything, we were just best friends-- this went on for over a year--and during that time we never did anything sexual or dated. Ultimately we ended up in a relationship. But my point here is I KNEW I was attracted to her, I knew that my attraction to her as a woman felt right for me AND I knew and finally admitted to myself and accepted that I was a lesbian. And I knew this for all that time, long before we did anything sexual and before we became a couple and were officially dating. So in my experience, I don't think dating a woman is a necessary a requirement to understanding your sexuality. When to come out is a personal choice, if it makes you (not your mom) feel better to wait until you date to come out, that's fine. If not, that's fine too. I don't think there are any rules about the way or when to come out 'properly' as your mom suggested. I assume your mom's concern about you coming out comes from a place of wanting to 'protect' you and her concern for you getting hurt. But I understand how it certainly isn't making you feel accepted! And of course your mom knows you well, but no one knows us better than we know ourselves! Have you told her that you don't feel accepted? And that it is causing you stress that she seems to be analyzing your every move? Maybe in her attempt to make sure you don't get hurt, she doesn't realize she is causing you some hurt too. All the best to you!
Hey there. I'm sorry your mom is causing you to feel confused. Although I'm asexual I've had sex with women and I never had to kiss a guy or anything further to know I didn't want to be with a man. And to be devil's advocate if your mom really cared (and possibly wasn't worried about the stigma of having a gay daughter). She would support you no matter what. There's nothing wrong with being unsure of yourself. You know you want to be with a woman what that means in respect of your identity/sexuality is something you may need to explore further. However you are not alone
Yea, no one knows you better than you know you. Please remember, there is no hurry to label yourself, either. Just do what feels right. Maybe what feels right would be to flirt with a girl. Be well
You are so gay. (In a good way, I hasten to add!) And you do give the right credit to Mom...she's trying to do the right thing. Look at the positive side: she's saying right out that she won't object if you bring a girlfriend home. That it's OK to "shop around." That's huge. She's the type that will understand, even if she doesn't quite now. That's way better than the type who won't understand. "Thanks Mom, I'm looking for a girlfriend right now! Any suggestions?" But it could also help heal that stabbing pain, when she says the wrong thing, if you say to her some of the stuff you told us. How else would she guess?
Coming out is really up to you. Things in life may take time to solve. It is important to take things slowly and weigh the pros and cons.
