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Closeted for Life?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by alainbeaux, Mar 14, 2017.

  1. alainbeaux

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    Hi Everyone,

    Over the past week I've heard things from my mom like if I was gay she'd kill herself and homosexuality is a perversion. Now, when she says these things sometimes it's hard to tell if she's joking a bit or at least being a bit melodramatic, but needless to say it hurts a lot. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to come out to her, or be able to live out my sexuality. I've never had a sexual experience with another person, never dated, and at this point, I'm not sure if I will before I turn 30. I hate to say it, but I basically blame my parents. I love them, and I know they love me, but it's because of comments like these that have prevented me from ever outwardly expressing my sexuality to anyone even my friends. I've never told a single person I'm gay, except online. I feel like because I've never been able to give my sexuality a healthy form of expression that I haven't fully developed as a person because I've prevented this part of me from growing and maturing the way everyone else I know has. I basically still feel like a little kid in this respect. My sexual experience hasn't progressed basically since I was old enough to masturbate. I can't help but feel this aspect of my life also permeates other parts of my character. I still struggle relating to people and desperately avoid physical contact with other men my own age. I feel like I'm wearing this shell for a personality that prevents anyone from really knowing who I am. I have this side of me that desperately wants to come out (no pun intended I swear). I still don't feel comfortable in my own skin the way everyone else seems to. I'm doubting no if I ever will. At this point I'm imagining being completely closeted until my parents die. At that point I'll probably be well into my 40s. I truly feel like I can never tell them. I'm almost sure they suspect though. Every time my mom brings up the question of girls I avoid it, and they might have come across some porn on my computer once or twice, I really don't know. Frankly, sometimes the things my mom says feel so intentionally inflammatory i feel she's egging me on and seeing if I'm finally going to burst and come out with it. But maybe I'm a little too paranoid. I wish I was straight so bad. I can't even imagine what a different person I'd be. I can't imagine ever being comfortable with my sexuality like straight people are.

    Anyway, sorry for the rambling quality of the post. I just wanted to see if any of you guys have thoughts on any of this. I'm writing this when I'm feeling a bit tired and down and out. I've been in the closet about this for 11 years known I'm exhausted from it. Sometimes the loneliness is just unbearably suffocating. Work has always helped a lot. Fortunately I get to work on stuff I'm so passionate about I can sometimes forget this part of my life.

    Thanks so much for reading!
     
  2. Mj5963

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    Hello and know I am a mid 50 year old father of three kids 21-26, and recently my wife discovered I had been sleeping with guys discreetly . So I come from a place of lots of hiding and decieving of which I am not proud of either . Infidelity is such a violation of trust and nobody deserves that , we are dealing with it together . But my hidden sexuality permeated over the years until this bomb landed in our lives . Needless to say if I could change things which I am aware I couldn't , knowing I truly love my wife I would have come out to her and faces it upfront and together . Even if we don't end up together since neither of us want to make a rash decision , she somewhat understands sexuality is not a choice it is how we are born. So that being said , I understand your ambivalence ,your fear of not being accepted etc. as a parent loving our children is natural and I cannot make
    My kids do anything and all I ask is they be happy. My suggestion is to seek some type of help professionally , do t know where u live and if there are resources available but there are plenty online professionals that may be able to help guide you. I am not a professional at all , while I have plenty of life experiences and professional experience in work I can only let u know my own challenges and how I am dealing with them . I also have a few friends met online , done some FaceTime talks etc and been able to bounce things off them just to have support . Being in the closet is dark and lonely. Loneliness is brutal and emotionally draining as I was dealing with that too hiding in my own skin. I hope this helps a little and I welcome more talks if interested .
     
  3. Moonsparkle

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    Hi Alainbeaux,

    I can imagine what your mom says about homosexuality is so hurtful; and hiding your sexuality must also be so painful, and so exhausting as you mention. Emotional and mental exhaustion is the worst kind by far! My mom similar to yours, so I definitely understand the type. But I want to ask you a question, and I hope it doesn't sound harsh --it's not meant to! You are 27-- why are you so invested in what your mom/parents think? Why are you giving them the power to decide whether you come out or not?

    Are you just afraid of disappointing them or of them not approving of you? Are you afraid that you won't be able to handle it if they don't?

    I think you would be selling yourself so short if you hung on with the pain of being closeted until your parents die. All of us should be able to live as our authentic selves. And as soon as you start living authentically-- all the other stuff, the part where you feel that never expressing your sexuality has prevented you from maturing and developing as a person etc. will fall into place.

    And I am not an expert on any of this! I learned this much later in life (I'm 49) and it's only in the past few years that I have learned to stop caring what others think, don't let their opinions affect me and am feeling comfortable with being the real me, AND expressing the real me. (I still have work to do of course---always a work in progress! I'm out to a some people but not all, but I am out to my parents.) Working with a great therapist (and me really WORKING in therapy and being 100% honest) has really helped me get to this point. As was already suggested you may find therapy helpful for you too--it will be somewhere to talk freely with a non-judgmental professional.

    So my thoughts are--don't do a disservice to yourself, don't hide yourself to make your parents happy, at the expense of your happiness. You are coming up on your thirties--and they could be great years for you. I really wish I had my 30's back! All the best to you :slight_smile:
     
  4. I'm gay

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    I really feel your pain, and as a gay guy who hid in the closet until age 47, and added to my problems by getting married and having kids, I can tell you that it won't be easier if you wait until 20 more years down the line. I can tell you with total confidence, that it will be MUCH harder if you wait.

    You already have regrets that you being so closeted all this time has affected your maturity, and I'd bet you are correct in that. But waiting another 20 years will make those regrets even deeper, and you will be no further along in maturity.

    Coming out was the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't want to sugar-coat that. It won't be easy. But you have your entire future to think about here.

    Look, you're still a young man, and here in 2017 has never been a better time be out. But you do need to realize that you only get this one shot at life, and then you're dead. When you're at the end of your life, which do you think you would regret more - wasting your young life on what other people think of you, or regrets that you disappointed and angered your parents?

    They will likely get over it in time and accept you. But even if they don't, you still only have this one life to live. Isn't it about time that you live for YOU?

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  5. Mj5963

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    Amen to that "I''m gay" take that post to heart sorry to this direct
     
  6. Lexington

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    Your problem isn't that you're not straight. Your problem is that you're not straight AND your mother is manipulating you into staying in the closet. It's the second part that's the problem, not the first.

    To be a bit blunt, you no longer should have to choose between your mother's happiness and your own. If she wishes to place qualifications on her love for you, that's completely her business. But that shouldn't ever be a factor in you getting to live your life as you see fit.

    I don't know your exact situation, but I would highly recommend looking into moving. Like, at least a few hundred miles away. At that point, you can come out and start dating whoever you'd like. And if your mother asks after you, you can tell her as much or as little as you'd like.

    Lex
     
    #6 Lexington, Mar 15, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2017
  7. Billy the kid

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    Hey dude, I have lived my life the same way that you have. I am 49 and have not told my parents. They have been so conservative and so strict about everything. Anyway I did come out to friends a couple of years ago. It felt good to get it off my chest. You are only 27, that is young my friend, get your life started! Don't rob yourself of some great experiences like I did. After I told a friend I also got myself an account on a gay social site, and I got laid, haha, I thought I was going to die a virgin! Don't let your parents hold you back from who you really are. All I can say is that I can totally relate to what you are going through. Keeping your sexual urges a secret, watching all your friends getting married and meeting partners, wondering who suspects you of being gay, and the list goes on. I could ramble on all night talking about this but I won't. Come out when you want but get your life started, go out and meet some guys! Have fun!
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    If I remember correctly, you moved to Los Angeles last year from Maine (?) and you have been trying to find a way to come out to your parents for some time now, so may I ask how the conversation with your mother arrived at the point where she described homosexuality as a perversion and threatened to kill herself? Was this a face to face conversation during a visit back home? I'm assuming there was something that prompted her to make these comments and I'm left wondering what that something was.

    Have you set your mind on the idea of coming out to your parents in a face to face conversation, or would you be willing to consider the idea of coming out in some other way - a letter or email, maybe? The idea of coming out in a conversation is incredibly daunting for some people, especially when we imagine the barrage of questions and statements that may follow in the heat of the moment. In many respects a letter or email removes that pressure because it cannot be argued with or dictated to and it cannot be hurt or offended with poorly chosen words, made in haste and the subsequent ill feeling. A letter can be drafted several times, until you are reasonably satisfied with it, while a conversation occurs one time only. Have you considered all of this and how would you feel about it?

    Tell us more, if you can.
     
  9. mnguy

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    I'm sorry you're going through all this and know what it's like. I agree with what others posted. From first hand experience the longer you wait the harder it will be and the regret and resentment keeps increasing. The feeling of remaining a kid, paranoia and being a shell of a person only gets worse and reinforces itself in a horrible cycle. You continue to suffer by resisting what is, you are gay and it's not going to change so you suffer by resisting that truth. It sucks, I know. I'm struggling with coming out to more people after finally telling my parents several weeks ago. I'm glad I did that and was a relief for a while, but now I feel pressured again, but that pressure won't go away until I do it. I keep trying to remind myself the fear of doing it is worse than the actual doing it.

    Avoiding coming out for so long definitely hurt my friendships, job and general life. Self esteem plummeted, depression got bad, lost interest in stuff I used to enjoy, no confidence to excel at work, very stuck in life. I know exactly what you mean about seeing everyone else going about life with such ease and confidence in who they are. Hiding, avoiding, editing yourself, watching your every move drains all your energy and take a heavy toll on esteem/confidence. I feel embarrassed I waited so long, but that's only going to get worse the longer I wait.

    That's bs your mom would say anti-gay stuff to try to coerce you to come out if that's what she's doing. I've thought that about some other people and don't know if it was true. I'll only know if I come out to them and ask them. I think you should write a letter or email to her and tell her some of what you've posted here. Just do it. I know, easier said than done. I just hate to see more people wasting their 20s and 30s the way many of us did. Take care! (*hug*)
     
  10. rainyday

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    When someone threatens to kill themselves like that, that is a direct form of emotional abuse. I don't know your whole situation, but I think you should 1. Seek out an lgbt friendly therapist and 2. Try to live beyond your parents. What I mean by number two is live for yourself, without thinking too much about your parents, what they want, what they approve of, and how they have hurt you and negatively influenced you. It is a gradual process, it takes some time and some processing to move forward. As you move forward, be kind to yourself.

    I also used to feel like I was wearing a shell of my personality. Once I began to accept myself and my sexuality I began to feel more whole, and more like myself and who I am supposed to be. Keep moving forward!
     
    #10 rainyday, Mar 31, 2017
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  11. loepis

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    Hey, you are not alone. Always remember that.
    What really helped me to be stronger is that there are others who had it worse than me and they stayed true to themselves. A lot of inspiring people out there and they give me courage. As of your mom, I second that you should at least be able to move out from home and support yourself before you actually come out to her. Don't give up hope.
    Remember 30 years ago, it was so much harder to find other lgbt before the internet? We persevere
     
  12. Pole star

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    The most important person is YOU. You only live once. I realised this only after I came out. You need not come out to your mother now, but can do so later. Most important is to come out to oneself and accept oneself for who you are. That will relieve a huge weight off your chest. Do not worry about not having had sexual experience yet. Things happen at the right time. Some of us come out in the 20s while some in their 40s. That is just the way it is as everyone's journey is different - so do not compare with anyone else.
     
  13. snickerscandy

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    Hi! I am in a similar situation I am 22 about to be 23 and the thought of me coming out as gay to my family terrifies me. It also weighs on my mind heavily daily. When I tried to come out to my sister she did not take it well and basically threatened to tell my family without my permission and dissown me...She has gay friends but doesn't want a gay brother unfortunately. I too have not come out to any of my friends for fear of not being accepted. My dad I believe would be more accepting of me but my mother is very religious...Every day like you I live with this secret, a secret that we did not create, that we did not choose. For me personally all I want to be is accepted, and respected and that's not too much to ask. But getting back to your post thank you because it was nice not to feel all alone. If you ever want to talk please message me. Thanks.