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Do I need to come out to feel happy again?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mike J, Apr 17, 2009.

  1. Mike J

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    Hello, I've browsed the forums for a while but just joined up.

    Im 18 years old, I've always known that I'm gay and never doubted it. I came out to my best friend two years ago, and I havent told anyone else. We are still besties, and I can be myself around her to an extent, but I'm still not comfortable talking about how I really feel with her, but had felt some relief and been very positive and pleasant for the past few years and bloomed socially. Since christmas this year the way I feel has plummeted. I've become lonely and depressed, and insecure, neglecting my friends most of the time and distancing myself from my parents. These are not things i want, but they just automatically happen when I interact. I plan on being completely out and open when I go to college, but my mind is filled with guilt when I think of doing so without telling my parents and close friends first. I know they will both love and accept me no matter what, I just do NOT want to tell them. Ever. Which i feel stupid about since i should be thankful to have such loving parents.

    I've tried to talk to my mom about how I feel since she has obviously noticed my snappy and reclusive attitude. Her dad (my grandpa) died three months ago, and when I mentioned that i feel depressed to her a few days ago, she was angry that i had the nerve to say that after she just lost her father. We haven't really spoken since then, and I decided maybe i'm being insensitive and should hold off on trying to tell her anything until I'm off on my own and she is stable again. My dad is so cool and accepting of all people, but i feel like throwing up when i think of telling him.. I really wish I could. He tells me its okay to be diff and doesnt matter if your black white green or gay, but i just can't and dont think i ever will :frowning2:
    I have other friends that I want to come out to. I would even say that I am surrounded by people that I love and that love me, but as badly as I want to tell them, I feel sick with the thought and think i should put it on hold until college.. 5 months from now.

    I dont know what to do but I am very unhappy and need to get out of this depression.

    Thanks,
    Mike J
     
  2. SAGUY84

    SAGUY84 Guest

    Why don't you want to tell your parents? From what you say, they both wont care in the slightest. Their support atm will help you more than you think.


    Same with the friends, its not like you have to tell everyone, even just telling 2 or 3 will help you be able to be yourself.
     
  3. Mirko

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    Hi there! Welcome to Empty Closets! Glad you have decided to join! :slight_smile:

    Sorry to hear about your loss. (*hug*)

    On the one hand you are trying to let go of something that you have kept inside of you for a long time, but on the other you might feel ready or the urge to share it with others, i.e. with those who are important in your life. As you have experienced, coming out can allow you to open up and become socially more active. Try to maintain that positive feeling and 'momentum' as much as possible. It seems as if you have almost gone back into the closet which can become harder on you because you have already experienced what it is like on the other side.

    Having feelings of distancing yourself from your friends and your family are normal during the coming out process. Sometimes, not feeling well or having an odd feeling are signs of that we might not be ready to come out to our parents at this stage. But that's okay. Maybe try not to put a time limit or a certain time frame by when you need to come out to your friends and family on your coming out process. Try to listen to yourself and only go for it when you feel that you are ready for it and the time is right. There is nothing wrong with coming out to your friends and/or family while you are in college. Presumably you will still visit them from time to time and still have contact with them, which will give you plenty of opportunities to come out as well.

    That said, it sounds like that you are ready to open the closet door a bit wider. What might help you is if you would expand your support network a bit. You already have one friend who is an important part of that network. Maybe try to think about another friend to whom you could come out to. You know your friends. From what you have said, it seems that you have accepting/supportive friends? Maybe try to think back on how you came out to your best friend and use that as a 'template' for coming out further.

    Also, maybe try joining a LGBT support and/or social group in your community. Perhaps a nearby PFLAG chapter might also help. Being part of a support group could be beneficial as it would allow you to expand your support network and you also would have the opportunity to talk with others about the things you are going through.

    As you try to expand your support network you might find the need to come out to your parents at this stage to be less urgent and could perhaps wait a bit. Also, in doing so, you might find that your social life will pick up again leading you to feel differently about yourself.

    Congrats on accepting yourself and coming out to your best friend. You have already taken a few important steps!

    I hope this helps a bit!
     
  4. I'm in the exact same position as you. I can really, truly understand what you're feeling right now. I really can't give any advice, because I'm having the same problem and it isn't fixed yet, but I can hopefully try to help you feel better. Just remember that there are other people in your position and try not to feel alone. It might help. Oh, yes, and I like that you're in Washington. I am also living there. What city do you live in? I'm in Bremerton. :slight_smile:
     
  5. bob4carl09

    bob4carl09 Guest

    Hey Mike, welcome to EC.

    It's funny, some of what you're saying is identical to what I went through the last few months. So here's me saying to you that things will definately get better in the end, sometimes though in life things need to get bad before they get better (not very reassuring by it's the truth I'm afraid).

    If you're anything like me, part of the problem is that you've decided you're gonna be open when you get to college, cus now you're walking around with one of those basketball scoreboards above your head, counting down the weeks, the days, the seconds til you got to college, which just makes the time beforehand - the countdown - seem unbareable. And you don't neccesarily want to commit yourself to coming out then. I remember I had every intention of just being out when I got to college, skipping the coming out stage altogether. But when it came down to it, I had spent so many years hiding it, lying or saying things to direct conversations away from the myself or generally the topic of sexuality that I just carried on. I didn't really wanna continue hiding my sexuality, but after so many years I didn't realy know better anymore.

    Try not to set a timeline for coming out. As with your friend you've told, the time will come when you're ready to tell again, whether it's your folks, another friend, or a bunch of strangers in college. You'll know when you're ready, but only at the time. You can't really forecast when it'll happen though. It may be when you leave for college, or a few months in. It might be tomorrow, who know's, so give yourself a break.

    As for the title of your thread, be careful not to equate coming out with happiness. Don't get me wrong, you will be happier when you're out, being honest with yourself and those around you and living your life to the full, but coming out isn't necesarily the means to being happy again. It sounds like there's a lot going on for you at the moment. You're grandfather's just passed away (my condolonces), mine did a few weeks before I moved away to college. At the time there was so much going on, I was really nervous about quitting my job and going back to school and moving away that I never really stopped to deal with it. I felt like I just accepted his death and moved on quickly, but it just bubbled under the surface for a while. So I'd guess that maybe this is still affecting you a bit, on top of the stress of hiding your sexuality, final weeks at school, getting ready for college (whether you're staying put or moving away for it, either way). So it's completely understandable that you'd be feeling depressed, that's a lot for anybody to deal with. Maybe it's worth going to your doctor and explaining that you're finding things hard, they may recommend you take come anti-depressants. They won't make you feel brilliant, but they'll take the edge off and make it easier for you to work through things.

    It's worth talking to your mom, just to clear the air. Maybe write her a letter, just explaining that you're having a hard time of it at the moment and when you spoke to her you were trying to reach out. Let her know you didn't mean to make her angry, that you didn't really consider how she was feeling bad too, and that you're sorry if you've made things tough between you both. Also mention that you're not trying to make her feel bad for snapping, just trying to clear the air and let her know where you were coming from when you told her you were depressed. You never know, she may be feeling bad for snapping or overreacting, and this may pave the way to you telling her you're gay. And if not, that's cool too, just say you're feeling low with everything that's happening and you wanted to let her know why you've been irritable.

    Long story short, from what you've said and from what I've been through recently, I'd say you're at the beginning-of-the-end stage. This is a great place to be in the grand scheme of things, cus the end is in sight, but is also the absolute most stressful time of all. Just try to keep communicating, even if you aren't telling everyone everything, let them know something. Tell your friends that you're stressed, they'll no doubt find ways to keep your mind off things or cheer you up, even if you don't tell them right away that you're gay.

    And most of all, don't give yourself a hard time. Take it easy, and know that when you're ready to tell someone else, you'll know. It's corny as hell but from my experience it's true :slight_smile:

    We're all here for you, and if you wanna chat or talk or just have a good old rant, please feel free to PM me or write on my wall, I'm happy to talk and share my similar experiences, or just listen. Keep it cool man (*hug*)
     
  6. Just Adam

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    i cant speak for family but as for friends im getting ready to tell mine im scared like hell but im justifying it by if they dont know the real me and i cant be open to them constantly hideing the truth its just makeing a lie of our relationship and they mean too much to me to do so

    family though i would say maybe tell your dad first as he is very accepting maybe write him a letter if its to hard to say to him but im sure he will love you and be proud of you for having the strength to tell him :slight_smile: he will also be able to help you with telling your mum and she will come round shes just grieving atm and you do need to be supportive but it doesent mean your life needs to take a back seat after all your alive and you need to move on and enjoy yourself.
     
    #6 Just Adam, Apr 18, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2009
  7. Mike J

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    Thanks for your advice you guys. I guess I agree with what has been said, I seem to have been building up this idea of coming out for a few years and now that I'm almost leaving home and it hasn't happened I feel pressured to rush it. I feel like all of my friends and family are ready, its just that I am not. IM the one thats not okay with it. :frowning2:
     
  8. SAGUY84

    SAGUY84 Guest

    Well, only you will know when your ready. And there isn't a time limit of when you have to come out. It seems like your fighting yourself, thinking 'i have to come out before i move out' but your 'not ready'. You have to find a happy medium.
     
  9. bob4carl09

    bob4carl09 Guest

    You're welcome. I'd imagine most everyone who's responded has been in the same situation in the past, asking for help or support or advice like you, it's a circle of life thing, so don't sweat it.

    That's fine. This is probably the hardest thing you've had to deal with so far in you life, and it's natural you'll be feeling disappointment on and off. Try to focus it, so you're disappointed with the situation, and NOT at yourself. So take it easy, cus things will change and I believe soon enough you WILL be okay with it, honest. And know that you;'ll get through this.
     
  10. Mirko

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    Hi there! The most important thing here is that you are ready. Nothing else matters. Knowing that your family and friends might be ready can definitely help you to build up the courage to come out to them. With time, you will get ready and your feeling about coming out will change. There is no rush. Coming out is not a race. Coming out is about you and you feeling ready and comfortable with it. Take your time. Adding pressure to it might just make it even more difficult. Try to take a step back and to relax.

    Maybe an important question to ask yourself would be: 'why do you feel that you are not okay with it?' If you are afraid about the reactions of your friends and/or family, try to pick up on clues that might give you an idea as to how they might react. But it seems like that things will be just fine. Maybe try telling yourself, 'my parents and friends are accepting, there is nothing to be afraid of' over and over again. Maybe that will help you a bit to lessen some of the fears that you might have.

    Always remember, it is okay to take your time. (*hug*)

    Hope this helps!