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fear of coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by isolarium, Mar 16, 2017.

  1. isolarium

    Regular Member

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    Hi there.

    So, long story short, I'm an adoptee. I've always felt that I had to conform to what my adopted family expected of me in order for them to love me. In the past few years, I've been in counseling for PTSD and have discovered that my family is actually really supportive of me and very loving.

    However, they can't stand people who aren't straight. Most of their issues with people like that has to do with religion, which I loathe. I'm agender, but I'm also asexual, so no matter what I do, I don't think I'd be "sinning" in their god's eyes anyway. But they won't have any of that. They have an image of who I should be and what I should look like based upon my biological sex, and they won't let me deviate from that predisposition to a life that I feel more comfortable in.

    Just yesterday, I was shopping with my mom and she looked horrified when I came out of the dressing room looking like an individual of the opposite biological sex. That seriously hurt, because to me it means she probably wouldn't like me if she knew who I really was.

    I don't want to let her down. I don't want to let any of them down. They really are good people. And yet, I'm really tired of having to conform to what others want of me. I want to be myself and do my own thing, so I want to come out to them. But I'm not exactly sure how to. It's all very confusing and disorienting to me because while I want to respect my parents and not create a huge argument, I also want to be true to myself.

    Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

    As an end note, I really like this sticker. It made me smile.
    (&&&)
     
  2. Worker Bee

    Full Member

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    Hi there. I need to tell my mom I'm agender as I want to change my name. She chose my first name and my middle name is her first name. I'm worried how she'll react but since making the decision to change my name and finding one I like I feel more myself than I have in a long time.

    I would like to think that your mom's reaction was because how you looked was completely unexpected and once you explain how you feel she will accept it.

    I can understand not wanting to let people down but you need to be true to yourself otherwise you'll be unhappy.

    I'm not sure I have any advice to give, however I hope your family supports you once they realise how being your true self will make you much happier.
     
  3. CharacterStudy

    Regular Member

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    I'm wondering if you can shift gradually to wearing more neutral or opposite-gender clothes. This might gradually get them used to things, without the outright shock. And might plant the idea in their heads without you having to say something. But obviously if you're fluid and not comfortable doing that then don't. (Sorry, I don't know much about your situation so I'm probably not getting the right words etc.)

    It's really interesting that as a child who has been adopted you feel different pressures to conform, I can see where you're coming from. I don't know if it helps but the people I know who were adopted are loved for who they are, and the people I know who are parents of adopted children love those children as their own (some have birth children as well). What I am trying to say is that the feeling you need to be what they want for them to love you, is both (1) probably inaccurate, going by what I know about adoptive families, and (2) very like the pressure a non-adopted child also feels (also usually erroneously).

    But the religious thing is different, and I can't give much advice on that as I don't have experience. I'm wondering if you can watch a sensitively done film with them, a well-known one, so it's not obvious, to maybe open up their minds. Unfortunately I can't think of any except The Danish Girl (Eddie Redmayne), which I haven't seen yet, and isn't the same as your situation anyway.

    I've noticed with my own family that the gradual exposure to more and more LGBT material on TV and film has really improved their understanding and acceptance. The BBC is making real efforts on inclusiveness and I can see the effects in my own family. And myself - I was always LGBT-friendly but a little nervous about the 'T' because I didn't really understand. I realise you're agender, which isn't the same, but there was recently a BBC comedy series which had a trans heroine, but much of the story was not about being trans, it was a standard sitcom. By the end of the series I was so much more comfortable and supportive of trans people. So I really think positive media can be helpful for education and acceptance.

    The fact your family is very supportive of your PTSD should give you hope they will extend that understanding further. So many people aren't supportive of mental health problems. Can you talk to your counsellor more about how you feel about adoption and being asexual and agender?

    I can't offer any more except good luck.