After 19 years of marriage, my wife had an affair. It devastated me. She was tired of not getting attention and affection from me. I was too temperamental and easily agitated. I began to drink too much. I was was diagnosed with depression and put on medication. Recently, I began reading "Stranger At The Gate" by Mel White. I identify with the overall encompassing inability to resist the urge to fantasize about sex with men. Just the fact that he had a lifetime of urges. So have I. There was an insatiable hunger for men. I can identify with that sexual desire. However, although he fought it, he always was attracted to men. Mel White was fully aware of his same sex attractions, but I repressed it so far down I was rarely attracted to males. I lied to everyone. Mostly, I lied to myself. The denial and deception was so incredibly well done that I actually believed I was heterosexual. I wasn't gay, I thought, I just like anal attention. I ignored or overlooked the fact that I masturbated thinking about men doing it to me. I longed for closeness to men, but I was like a man dying of thirst in the desert. My heterosexuality was just a mirage; a fabrication; a fantasy to swab my open wounds left by slashes to my ego and injured identity and self worth. I wanted so bad to be normal. I wanted the urges to be just a normal part of my heterosexuality. It's kinky, I thought, but ok -- not gay. I thought of another way to put my closet experience: I longed for closeness to men, but I always had my guard up and kept them at arms length. I bobbed like that in my life boat of lies; men, men everywhere but none I could safely drink in. It was an ocean of pain and suffering with no sail and no rudder and not even an oar.
Hi there I have posted several times here As am in my 50's married with three kids 21-26 and my wife recently discovered I was cheating on her with men, going on 6 years actually. So we are dealing first with my infidelity and equally as important and confusing my sexuality . She never cheated on me but I certainly betrayed her with my selfish horrible acts. So can't help u much other than you are not alone. I still don't identify as gay just as not straight . Trying hard to reconcile as I deeply love my wife and the reality of all this has changed my feelings for her more deeply .
Hi, No advice, just wanted to respond as another married-but-questioning poster. I've been married 18 years and I can relate to your stuffing everything so far down you didn't know it existed a lot of the time. There were times when it would rear its head, and I would just step on it. This place has been great so far. I hope you like it here.
Hi Stephen, Welcome to EC, and congratulations on posting such a difficult admission. I am one among many here at EC who has lived your story. It resonates with me extremely deeply. I know all about living in denial during my 20 years of marriage (plus multiple years of dating), all the while fantasizing about having sex with men. It's a misconception that denial means being unaware of our same-sex attractions. For some, that's true, but for me being in denial was about compartmentalizing my gay desires, and disassociating the "meaning" of the attraction from my conscious mind and ignoring that I was living a lie. But deep down I knew. If you are interested, here is my coming out story, and I think you will probably see much of your experience as well. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/219546-coming-out-47-a.html I have now been out to my wife for 9 months and about 6 months to everyone else. This journey takes time, and I would encourage you to continue reading and posting here as you work on coming to terms with your sexuality and determine how you will move forward in life, with or without your marriage. Take care. ride:
