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Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

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Old 20th Mar 2017, 09:19 AM   #1
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I wasn't ready to come out...?

[NOTE] This is more of a vent than asking for advice, but any replies to this thread are so welcomed. I'd recommend you read my first thread about my questioning my sexuality here too, as it's more specific to my questioning: Am I actually bi, or is this actually just a phase?

Hey everyone,

So, I'm 18 and since last year, I've been questioning my sexuality, and if I like girls too. I feel like I've been taught to assume I'm straight, but over the years, I've started watching/reading more LGBTQ+ content, and it's naturally made me start to question if I know what I want. I'm pretty sure I like girls, and some days I really identify as "not straight", but others days I find myself questioning myself again, if this is "just a phase."

So, to the title - I never planned on coming out to either of my parents. But the other day, my mum and I were talking about our views on sexuality, and she basically "cannot believe that 1 third of people are gay", and believes that kids label themselves as gay/trans too early on, and that they "can't know at that age."

As an LGBTQ+ supporter, we had some disagreements on our views, and when she asked me about my views, and if I'm gay myself, I went quiet. I didn't know how to respond and I felt like I couldn't. I didn't want to tell her as I'm still not 100% sure about my feelings, but when she sat me down and asked me again, I felt like I couldn't not say anything at that point, so I told just told her that I think I might like girls as well as guys.

She didn't overreact about it at all, which was good. And of course, I know that she loves me to the moon and back, and she always tells me that she only wants the best for me, but some of the things she said made me doubt myself even more, and it really upset me. Here's a few examples of the kind of things she told me:

- that I'm just confused about my feelings
- that thinking a girl is really attractive and wanting to kiss them is a normal thing for straight girls to think
- that I always had phases/fixations about things when I was younger, and this might just turn out to be one of them
- that if I like both guys and girls, why can't I just choose guys and go with the easier-to-deal-with option?
- that starting a family with a girl will be so much harder than with a man
- that when I go off to university and meet more people, I might find a man rather than a woman anyway

I'm still so unsure about what part of me I should believe in terms of my sexuality, but from the way she was acting, I can tell that she's hoping I'll get over this. I don't kow if I will, but what's she said to me has only emphasised my doubts about my sexuality, and it's made me feel less hopeful than I was before I told her. I really just wish I hadn't said anything now, because now she's said she's going to "pray for me" about it(?!), and I just feel so more ashamed of myself for thinking about other girls in that way.

I don't really know how to end this because I don't know what I want out of any responses, and to be honest I don't have a preference. Everyone's been nothing but supportive on here, so do leave your thoughts below, and let me know if you read my other thread as well.

Am I actually bi, or is this actually just a phase?

Thanks, and much love to you all xoxo
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 11:34 AM   #2
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Re: I wasn't ready to come out...?

Hey there. I'm sorry your conversation with your mom has left you doubting yourself.

It sounds like your mom just wants you to be straight instead of supporting you through this confusing time. It could be a phase however you may be attracted to women. There's no rush to identify what you may or may not be.

And you shouldn't feel ashamed of your thoughts towards women.
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 11:52 AM   #3
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Re: I wasn't ready to come out...?

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Originally Posted by NerdByNature View Post
It sounds like your mom just wants you to be straight instead of supporting you...
Hey there, thanks for your reply! But I want to emphasise that I don't think it's the case that she's not supporting me. I know that she's trying her best, and I love her for that, but she just doesn't know how, and I don't know how to help her either!

But thank you for the reassurance. As you can see, I'm finding it a bit of a hard time atm, and so the support means so much. Thank you.
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Last edited by clickitysplit; 20th Mar 2017 at 11:53 AM..
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 12:02 PM   #4
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Re: I wasn't ready to come out...?

I'm sure you and your mom will find your way through this.
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 01:37 PM   #5
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Re: I wasn't ready to come out...?

I'm afraid your mum is wrong in just about everything she said to you. She may not have meant it maliciously and I'm sure she genuinely believes many of the things she said (at least for now), but she is repeating the same old lines that have been used by struggling parents for years and years and it's a reflection on where she finds herself emotionally as she considers the idea that you may be something other than straight.

You said you wasn't ready to come out, but I think it's actually the case that your mum wasn't ready to hear it and receive it. If you read this Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief you may begin to appreciate what your mum is dealing with as she contemplates the idea that you might be bisexual. There is some denial and bargaining going on, don't you think?

You might like to check out this link too Home It's the homepage of FFLAG and has some good resources for parents and family members. Your mum might benefit from doing some reading herself.

The most important thing is to avoid arguments and getting upset. If your mum sees you getting stressed she will most likely connect it to your sexuality and that will only convince her that she is right about everything. Work through your own feelings and arrive at your own conclusions... and stay calm.

If you need help and support we are here for you.
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 04:05 PM   #6
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Re: I wasn't ready to come out...?

If your mum believes that those are the normal feelings of a straight girl I would say that she is not straight herself but more like Bi without acknowledging it or realising it.
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 06:34 PM   #7
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Re: I wasn't ready to come out...?

There was a thread (maybe a month ago) where someone was complaining about trying to come out to Kinsey 1 people, as they are straight with a little, tiny bit of gayness, and I feel like this is part of the issue here. Other than that, I would defer to Patrick's advice.
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Old 22nd Mar 2017, 03:21 PM   #8
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Re: I wasn't ready to come out...?

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Originally Posted by AbsoluteNerd View Post
There was a thread (maybe a month ago) where someone was complaining about trying to come out to Kinsey 1 people, as they are straight with a little, tiny bit of gayness, and I feel like this is part of the issue here. Other than that, I would defer to Patrick's advice.
She's still on the questioning phase, I think it's her mom that's assuming she's a Kinsey 1. I used to think I was a Kinsey 1 lmao, so when you're in this stage it's too early to judge for sure.

I haven't come out to my mom yet op, but your mom sounds like she's saying a lot of the same stuff I'm pretty sure my mom would say. If she thinks wanting to kiss girls is a straight thing, I agree she might not be completely straight herself. I'm sorry you had to come out too soon. I'd avoid this topic with her, because she's being the opposite of helpful.
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Old 26th Mar 2017, 08:21 PM   #9
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Re: I wasn't ready to come out...?

Your mum (like mine) I think is really holding onto the 'boys too' bit. I got the same reaction from mine.
It sucks but the only thing I think you can do, is surround yourself with people who accept you. Even if it's just online. The two people who fully accept me are my lifelines and they make it so much easier to ignore uneducated comments from my mother.
It's hard because like you said, she wasn't saying this stuff to be mean, but it still affects how you see yourself, hey.
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Old 27th Mar 2017, 12:19 AM   #10
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Re: I wasn't ready to come out...?

Re: thinkanddream

I think you're absolutely right. My mum doesn't know I'm on here, obviously, and I think she's worried I'm surrounding myself with too many members and allies of the LGBTQ+ community, but in reality I think I know that it's actually what I need right now. No one has tried to push me in either direction here (in terms of me questioning my sexuality) and the advice, like yours, has been nothing but helpful and well-intentioned, and I'm so grateful for that. :-)
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